I spent many moons trying to figure out how to squeeze some “Ratchet” into my writing. I’ve played every one to completion, PSP entries excluded, and I figured that pulling out the big guns was my best way forward.

The “Ratchet” games, and to a degree all Insomniac games, are about the weapons and gadgets — their humor, their coolness, their absurdity. There’s a certain fantasy being fulfilled by collecting and upgrading the whole arsenal, and I won’t sit here and pretend the sexual innuendos don’t play a substantial part.

So without looking at the visuals of each weapon or researching how powerful they were in their respective games, I ranked them. Just the name, in a vacuum; which were the coolest? 

Here is the exercise played out, to its fullest.

The Worst Of The Worst

These are all of the most boring sounding weapons, and many of them aren’t even weapons! Just various things to put a bubble shield around you for a brief, precious few seconds before the gun fight gets ugly. Also, a lot of “gloves” and “launchers” in here, which aren’t great words to sound like a badass who shoots a lot of aliens and robots.

242. Topiary Sprinkler

241. Ms. Fungal

240. Heli-Pack

239. Drone Device

238. Static Barrier

237. Tesla Barrier

236. Holoshield Launcher

235. Holoshield Glove

234. Shield Charger

233. Ultrashield Launcher

232. Bomb Glove

231. Mega Bomb Glove

230. Acid Bomb Glove

229. HK22 Gun

228. Bogo

227. Decoy Glove

Still Pretty Bland

More gloves, more launchers, and some intro level guns. The first weapon given to the player in multiple games are just a vanilla machine gun called a “blaster” or a “lancer.” Sure, they evolve into something bigger and more powerful eventually, but they sure don’t sound beefy at all. The multi-disc gun is a great gun, but it still isn’t cracking the top 200 based on the name alone.

226. Mega Decoy

225. Mine Glove

224. Mine Glove

223. Tankbot Glove

222. Multi-Star

221. Multi-Disc Gun

220. Omni-Shield Launcher

219. Ricochet

218. Drillpack

217. Droid Repulsor

216. Lancer

215. Heavy Lancer

214. Blaster

213. Cold Snap

Slowly Getting There

This is where we get some “rifles” and “grenades,” but also a lot of “constructo” weapons and turrets. Those are immensely helpful to just toss out for extra damage, but also imply that you need help with turrets to clean up all of the enemies in the level.

212. Omniblaster

211. Blast Pistol

210. Burst Pistol

209. Pistol Flux LX

208. Contructo Pistol

207. Contructo Shotgun

206. Constructo Bomb

205. Miniturret Glove

204. Megaturret Glove

203. CryoMine Glove

202. Repulser Field

201. Nano-Swarmers

200. Fusion Grenade

199. Minirocket Tube

198. Fusion Rifle

197. Splitter Rifle

196. N60 Storm

195. N90 Hurricane

Kill Your Darlings

It sucks to see my favorite gun in the entire franchise, “The Bouncer,” land at number 180 because it’s by far the most fun weapon to use in any of these titles. I was delighted to see it return in “Rift Apart,” and for the big grenades to blow up into smaller grenades, and the PS5 can handle that without it slowing down to ten frames per second (like the PS2 games would do).

194. Zoni Blaster

193. Visibomb Gun

192. Sniper Mine

191. Flux Rifle

190. Mine Launcher

189. Cryoshot

188. Shatterblast

187. Shatterbomb

186. Critter Strike

185. Blitz Gun

184. Blitz Cannon

183. Mr. Zurkon

182. Toxiary Sprinkler

181. Seeker Gun

180. Bouncer

179. Heavy Bouncer

178. Blitzer

177. Shard Gun

176. Range Warrior

175. Pulse Rifle

174. Cufflink Bomb

Some Shocking Rankings

Plasma this, shock that, booooooooooooring. Things will become more exciting soon enough, but at least you get some tantilizing sounding options like the “Tie-A-Rang” and the “Infecto Bomb.” What are the enemies infecting? Can a bomb be used to infect diseases onto people, or does the explosion do most of the work?

173. Protoclast

172. Proton Drum

171. Shock Cannon

170. Shock Rocket

169. Shock Ravager

168. Shock Blaster

167. Shock Barrage

166. Plasma Coil

165. Plasma Striker

164. Plasmabomb Launcher

163. Plasma Beasts

162. Plasma Storm

161. Plasma Whip

160. Plasma Slayer

159. Nitro Launcher

158. Time Bomb

157. Mini Turret Launcher

156. Tie-A-Rang

155. Wreckochet

154. Infecto Bomb

153. Deadeye Mine

152. Hunter Mine Launcher

151. ThunderStorm Umbrella

150. Lacerator

Starting To Get Sexy

Okay, see now we’re getting somewhere. Menacing words, intriguing names, and a fun sexual innuendo in the “Doppelbanger.” Clearly, the most popular form of weapon modification is chained lightning, as “Tesla” and “lightning” shows up quite a bit.

149. Infector

148. Scorcher

147. Tesla Claw

146. Rift Inducer

145. Tesla Spikes

144. Predator Launcher

143. Doppelbanger

142. Combuster

141. Cloaker

140. Devastator

139. Clank Zapper

138. Clank Shocker

137. Inferno Mode

136. Circuit Jammer

135. Spiderbot Glove

134. Mag-Net Launcher

133. Chopper

132. Lightning Strike

131. Lightning Rod

130. Buzz Blades

129. Defragmenter

128. Decimator

127. Razor Claws

126. Ravager

125. OmniWrench

Pearls Before Swine

These are fun to say. Cannons, arrays, and whatever a “Netherbeast” is. You can wallop your enemies, drill them, pork them… wait okay maybe the sexual innuendos of this series is getting too much. The names of the games are one thing, but whatever a “Rift Ripper” is, I’m sure they sell that on R-rated websites too.

124. Pork Bomb Gun

123. Rift Ripper

122. Drillhound

121. Bombardier

120. Pryocitor

119. Holo-Knuckles

118. Pyro Blaster

117. Nitro Eruptor

116. Beta Ravager

115. Alpha Ravager

114. Alpha Disruptor

113. Sonic Eruptor

112. Electro Rocket

111. Winterizer

110. Chronoscepter

109. Synthenoid

108. Quasar Turret Launcher

107. Optical Maser Array

106. Warmonger

105. Taunter

104. Walloper

103. Megarocket Cannon

102. Vulcan Cannon

101. Zodiac

100. Netherbeast

Dueling Duals

Call me a sucker, but I love something with “Dual” in the name because that means I get to hold two of them, and dual wielding is cool. It isn’t as cool as when “Halo 2” re-introduced it to the gaming audience in 2004, but still. Plus, this is the section with the best cannons. “Suck Cannon,” hell yeah. Get your mind out of the gutter.

99. Negotiator

98. Temptest

97. Dual Vindicators

96. Dual Lacerators

95. Dual Vipers

94. Dual Raptors

93. Vortex Grenade

92. Vortex Cannon

91. Disc Blade Gun

90. Concussion Gun

89. Concussion Cannon

88. Laser Tracer

87. Incinerator

86. Annihilator

85. Vaporizer

84. B11-Vaporizer

83. Suck Cannon

82. Hoverbomb Gun

81. Arc Lasher

80. B6-Obliterator

79. Mr. Fungi

Hell Hath No Fury

This is where I put the doom weapons and the R.Y.N.O. series. Ask me again later, and I might rejigger this whole section, but this is where my heart is right now.

78. SuperNova

77. Cold Front

76. Stalker Mine Launcher

75. Bee Mine Glove

74. Apocalypse Glove

73. Tornado Launcher

72. Netherblades

71. Shard Reaper

70. Fists of Justice

69. Dynamo of Doom

68. Agents of Doom

67. Glove of Doom

66. Doom Blades

65. Agents of Dread

64. Spitting Hydra

63. RY3NO

62. R.Y.N.O.m

61. R.Y.N.O. or “Rip You a New One”

60. RYNO VII

59. RYNO V

58. RYNO IV

57. RYNO II

56. RYNO 8

55. RYNO VI Protosuit

54. RYNOCERATOR

53. RYNO Xtreme!

52. RYNO ♾

Sting Like A Butterfly

Acid, scorpions, leviathans, and killer bees — this is the good stuff! Top 50 guns should strike fear into the heart of anyone who faces the other end of that barrel. Or, you can just pixelate them and make them sprites.

51. Acid Detonator

50. Annihilator Blades

49. Scorpion Flail

48. Leviathan Flail

47. Blowtorch Briefcase

46. Anti-Matter Rifle

45. Morph-O-Ray

44. Pixelizer

43. Killer Bee Mine

42. Pixelizer HD

Let’s Get Wacky Qwaky

Perhaps the most famous (infamous?) guns that’ll either make you say “I want to play those games,” or “those games look like ones for babies” are the weapons that turn enemies into farm animals. A long staple of the R&C games, things like the “Sheepinator” and the “Qwack-O-Ray” remain the most unique and interesting in gaming history. You can even whack the animals with your wrench to save ammo — that’s my favorite technique.

41. Sheepinator

40. Black Sheepinator

39. Mootator

38. Armoogeddon

37. Boar-Zooka

36. Chimp-o-Matic

35. Rift Inducer 5000

34. Killnoids

33. Groovitron

32. Qwack-O-Ray

31. Qwack-O-Blitzer

30. Quantum Deflector

29. Mini-Nuke

28. Lava Gun

27. Lavacitor

26. Meteor Gun

25. Liquid Nitrogen Gun

24. Gravity Bomb

23. Magma Cannon

22. Negatron Collider

The GOATs

Are these all guns that appeal to my inner edgelord? Yes. Would a 12-year-old scoff at these guns attempting to sound intimidating when they could just as easily come off as cringeworthy? Maybe. Listen, I don’t care, “Bomb Voyage” is an excellent pun, and the “Blackhole Storm” clearly is a reference to “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden, a song I love.

21. The Enforcer

20. The Executor

19. Headhunter

18. The Harbinger

17. Thundersmack

16. Blackhole Vortex

15. The Arbiter

14. The Migraine

13. OmegaTech Frost Cannon

12. Temporal Repulsor

11. Large Negatron Collider

10. Peacemaker

9. Void Repulser

8. Void Reactor

7. Ultra Tetrabomb Gun

6. Nightmare Box

5. Spiral of Death

4. Blackhole Storm

3. Tanglevine Carnation

2. Bomb Voyage

1. Darkstar Fission Tether

That’s it — the whole shebang. Was this some fine shootin’ or was I way off target? Let me know, and maybe you’ll be able to convince me to replay the entire series to reconsider.

Image Credit: “Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart,” Insomniac Games