Have you ever felt frisky over your couch? No? Okay, that’s fine, but what if there was an anthropomorphic version of your couch with thoughts, fears, and desires of their very own? Now we’re talkin’!

Initially, I became aware of the gijinka trope when a tank dating sim was making the rounds about a decade ago, but I can’t say I was particularly drawn to smooching an M4 Sherman. I just don’t really care for war — even if it involves making love.

However, the recently-released “Date Everything” vibrates more on my frequency. There’s an anti-capitalist framing narrative that pulls no punches regarding the inept and churlish behavior of corporate leadership — doubly so for tech bro assholes. I feel that in my bones.

As your career collapses, you’re quickly given some hot sci-fi glasses that allow you to access the true being-ness of inanimate objects, and the rest is mostly waved away so that you can enjoy the writing without thinking too hard. Notably, there’s a whole segment about a literal suspension of disbelief embedded in the glasses, so they know what they’re doing here.

The overall goal is to chat with every unique entity littered throughout your house, and eventually form a relationship of some kind. That might involve a poly-friendly romance, platonic friendship, or even straight-up hatred. For example, I followed a specific quest chain to its logical conclusion, and I ended up really pissing off my staircase. She simply refuses to speak with me now. A real shame!

You earn SPECS points when you successfully reach certain relationship thresholds with each character, and the game eventually makes it clear why that matters. Sure, there are some dialogue options locked behind these specialized stats, but you’re working on getting the right numbers to accomplish a task that will lead you to the end game.

Last week, Jared and I streamed an hour of the beginning of “Date Everything,” and we had a delightful time. I’d encourage you to watch the stream to get a sense if the writing is really for you, but it became immediately clear that the mix of goofy puns and sincere interpersonal relationships was right up my alley.

As of writing this, I have not completed the end game, but I have spent about 15 hours wining and dining my bed, my globe, and even a dark shadow in the corner of the room. There are characters that rub me the wrong way, but they never force the player to spend much time with anyone they dislike. If you want to start racking up points from pure hatred, that’s a totally functional way to play the game.

Importantly, there’s a “Roomers” app on the in-game phone that lets you keep track of where you might want to explore next to find one of the dozens of objects you might want to smooch. And once you’ve spoken to them once, they’re added to the Date-A-Dex so that you can catch ’em all. Wink, wink.

While the game is rated “M,” and there’s plenty of flirty and outright sexual discussion, this is not explicit in any meaningful way. You can talk about doing kinky stuff with your anthropomorphic personal aid, but you’re definitely not seeing that play out. Gooners must go elsewhere, and that place is Steam, it seems.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t shout out the outrageously-stacked voice cast. Each character has full voice acting, and they’re mostly rock solid. Nerdy favorites like Felicia Day, Dante Basco, Matt Mercer, and Erika Ishii all get their time to shine, and you’re bound to find at least a few more voices you know by heart — especially if you’re as into BioWare games as I am.

This is a wonderful, sexy release with diverse characters, some legitimately hilarious moments, and more than enough writing to keep you engaged through a full play through. Heck, you might even be up for round two with New Game Plus.

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“Date Everything” is available on PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, and PC.

Image credit: “Date Everything,” SassyChap Games