Writing In An Age Of Authoritarianism, Eroding Rights, American Austerity, And Apartheid: We Are Run By Oligarchs And A Plutocracy

Don’t click away! You’re in the right place, ignore that title, heading, URL, and the name of the website!

A writer, who is much smarter than I’ll ever be, once said that America isn’t red and blue, but is deeply purple all over, like a bruise. It’s impossible to cleanly divide us by state, city, ideology, or belief because people are tangled webs of conflicting and contradictory ideas and beliefs. You could throw a rock at any neighborhood and hit someone who believes in some sort of conspiracy theory; it’s a bleak time to be alive right now.

But the one thing that unites us all is American football. Despite the last few years of political upheaval, racial lines being drawn very plainly for the country to see, protests, death, abortion rights being stripped away from women everywhere, and citizens being deported for insane reasons, we still have the shared love of athletes getting concussions for money. Maybe the U.S., too, is suffering from CTE from too many boneheaded decisions, actions that simulate a brain bouncing around inside of a skull as it crashes into a helmet at full speed, all for the glory and honor of winning a pointless game.

So why do we do this? Why do we watch, care, root, spend our hard-earned dollars in an age of inflation, global warming, the maw of late-stage capitalism closing its jaws around our necks? Why do we have to live in a timeline that allowed the most evil team in the sport to have unrivaled success despite multiple attempts at cheating that were never really punished? Why give a shit when we all live in an unforgiving, amoral, uncaring universe? When will the misery end for the likes of Bills fans and Browns fans everywhere? (The answer is never, by the way.) 

One year ago, I ranked all 32 teams in order from smartest to dumbest, and shockingly, most of the dumb teams stayed dumb and a handful more got dumber. The breakdown of the “have-nots” and the “have-brains” has swung heavily in favor of the idiotic. Clearly, the same direction the country is going is an indicator of the direction its favorite sport is heading too.

There are going to be new categories this year in an attempt to streamline the process. Or, really, just to cut down on how much I write, how much my editor reads, and how much you scroll through to see the final list and complain about your team’s placement. Or celebrate it — I’m sure 31 fan bases out there are lusting for Howie Roseman’s blood.

George C. Scott played General Patton and won an Oscar for his performance in 1970. At the start of that film, he gives a big speech, and in it, unveils the thesis statement that defines how Americans treat both sports and politics:

Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big-league ball players and the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost, and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. The very thought of losing is hateful to America. Battle is the most significant competition in which a man can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.

So now we’re going to discuss some real losers who Americans cannot tolerate anymore. The criteria for my rankings are thus:

Last Year: Unless you’re the Eagles, it didn’t end well.

Vegas Over/Under: What do odds-makers think your record is gonna be this year?

Owner: Who the fuck owns this shit show?

GM: Who the fuck is running this shit show?

Coach: Who doesn’t understand how clock management works?

QB: The most important person on the entire team.

O&D Line Play: The second most important part of the team, often determines Super Bowls.

2025 Draft: You took WHO?

Red State: Does your team play in a state filled with people who voted for fascists to take over the government?

Dumbest Move: Otherwise known as the “49ers Trey Lance trade” section.

I cannot think of a time in our history that’s more poisoned with male toxicity and entitlement than now. Maybe the early 2000s when guys who failed high school joined the Army to get shipped out to Iraq and they watched the rise of the UFC? That might have been worse than now, but without further ado, let us get into the NFL and the mindless schmucks who run it, on a website that’s ostensibly about video games.

Madden. There, I hit the quota.

---

Image credit: Gene Gallin