Let’s see what the Iggles were up to this year post-Super Bowl hangover! Oh. Yikes.

Well you stepped in it now, which lets me go off on you chumps. What in the hell is “wudder ice?” And while I’m at it, Pennsylvania is not a commonwealth. It’s a state — you’re a state in the union. Shut up. I didn’t know that we lived in the 46 United States plus four commonwealths. Get the fuck out of here with that pedantic horseshit. You voted for the most obvious con man to ever run for elected office, who also happens to be the absolute dumbest and most evil man alive.

You lost Josh Sweat, Darius Slay, CJ Gardner-Johnson, and Milton Williams. Nobody thinks Jalen Hurts is a top ten quarterback, and nobody will respect anyone involved in this organization besides Howie Roseman. And for good reason!

I hope Joel Embiid’s legs rip clean off and the entire Phillies roster stages a second January 6th insurrection so we can all truly see who they are on the inside. Which is just a collection of white men with beards who should be avoided at all costs.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“But Jesus Christ, have the past handful of years had some draft day success stories. Can people stop trading with Howie? You’re never going to get the better end of him! You can out-coach the Eagles, but you can’t out-draft them. Put the phone down, don’t pick it up if there’s a number from 215, 267, or 445. If I ran a team, I’d rather listen to the girl from “The Ring” tell me I’m going to die in seven days than have Howie fleece me. Please stop making deals with the Eagles because they will get the better of you. They sign their players to deals before the market sets, and they know how to construct a roster.”

The rest of this article is going to sound harsh. Well, more specifically about the actual football of it all, but just know that this is the smartest team! By a lot. They’re number one on my rankings for a reason, they earned it, and, SPOILER WARNING, play the dumbest team in the league in the opening game of the season. So adjust your outrage accordingly, especially any editors from Delaware reading this. People from Philly need to be angry year round at something and cannot feel joy, only pain and the absence of it. So you might as well be angry at what I write, because you can’t blame Sirianni anymore.

Delaware is a myth. It’s all just either Philadelphia suburbs or extended Maryland. Convince me otherwise. Take that, Grant.

Last Year: You won it all, congrats! And I was right. You all got fleeced by Howie and co., and he drafted exceptionally well these last few years, which let an okay QB and a mediocre coach beat the brains out of the former Smartest Team in football five years running. Preventing a three-peat is easier than preventing the previous two title runs — just ask the Toronto Raptors who benefited from Kevin Durant’s tendons falling off his bones.

People might say the Eagles won because they signed Saquon, but we all know running backs are never worth it, and don’t lead to success. The line play is why, and if Kansas City had better linemen it would have won that game.

Vegas Over/Under: 11.5

Owner: Jeffrey Lurie, a Hollywood producer who turned into one of the wealthiest men in the world. He knows how to run a good team, so you’re off the hook, Jeff!

GM: The best General Manager in the business, the aforementioned Howie Roseman, a man who won every trade he ever conjured in his mind and who only drafts Georgia players (and it works out spectacularly, in his favor every single time). No jokes are going his way either, the man knows how to win and has an eye for talent, something most fans cannot say unless you’re one of the dozens of LA Rams fans out there reading this.

Coach: Nick Sirianni, a complete weirdo who has a hulking anger issue, a Bruce Banner-sized sensitivity issue, an ego complex, and yet simultaneously an inferiority complex.

AJ Brown says Nick Sirianni gave a speech about watching his neighbor pick up her dog’s poop: “I’m watching her, the dog goes. She gets the bag out first, scoops the s**t with 4 fingers together, her whole technique.. ITS IN THE DETAILS GUYS. THATS WHAT WE GOTTA DO”

(@Raw__Room) pic.twitter.com/Iefsffnh7A

— Eagles Nation (@PHLEaglesNation) February 21, 2023

Sirianni got an extension that I can already foresee going poorly once the league overturns the tush push, and the Eagles don’t manage to win the Super Bowl every year of Nick’s new deal. People will begin screaming for him to leave town soon enough, which is great news for Sirianni because he loves to yell back at the fans. Just shut up and coach, you raging jerk.

QB: A very sexy man — a hunk indeed. The internet loves to thirst over this extremely hot man who wins a lot of ugly dudes’ fantasy championships because he takes away touchdowns from the skill players.

Line Play: This right here, THIS is the reason why you won it all. The line of scrimmage, you dominated it and the rest came super easy. Football is just a game of “knock the other QB down, keep yours upright” and everything else is gravy. You barely needed to put together a coherent game plan because you just had four guys rush Mahomes down until he threw awful picks. Didn’t even have to blitz! Just put everyone in coverage and let a few guys manhandle the Chiefs’ awful offensive linemen.

The entire fate of every franchise rests in the line of scrimmage allowing the quarterback to do his job, and if the line play isn’t even then the disparity in QBs doesn’t matter. Jordan Mailata, Landon Dickerson, Cam Jurgens, Lane Johnson, and Jets bust Mekhi Becton (who is gone now) were 1,000,000 times better than whoever Kansas City had.

But where things fell apart for KC was not being able to defend a championship defense at every level. I could list the names here, congrats to Howie Roseman (derogatory) but how did we allow him to roster Jalen Carter, Jordan Davis, Zack Baun, Quinyon Mitchell, Darius Slay, CJ Gardner-Johnson, Cooper DeJean, and Bryce Huff on one squad under the salary cap. What bullshit, the league should be ashamed to let this happen to such a red-blooded, headstrong fan base. So cocksure of themselves, I hate it.

PFF ranks your O-line as the best in the sport, and that’s without draft bust Mekhi Becton. Your front seven is a top ten unit as well. I have never been more jealous of a team that wears green, and I say that as a disgruntled, cursed Jets fan.

2025 Draft: Everybody in the know creamed their pants over Jihaad Campbell falling to them at the end of the first round. The reason he fell was given as “medical concerns,” but I read that as “off the field issues” which actually means “he probably did something, but can play so nobody in the league offices give a shit.”

You took a safety from Texas, a defense that couldn’t stop a baby from crawling into the end zone. Another guy from Georgia, shocker, and then Kyle McCord from Syracuse lol okay yeah sure he’ll work out great soon. Maybe as a sandwich artist at Subway but not as a back-up QB.

Red State: You bet ya! The most recent swing state to flip elections to gigantic pieces of shit in all branches of government we get to vote for (lucky you, Supreme Court) has been Pennsylvania. Not quite as loathsome or infamous as Florida in 2000, but nonetheless I will never forgive you Penn voters, you rotten corpses who shamble to empower the likes of Josh Shapiro, John Fetterman, and Dave McCormick.

Dumbest move: You gave Sirianni an extension? I guess that might be it, but honestly he’s technically the most successful coach in your teams history, which is astonishing because you ran Andy Reid and Doug Pederson out of town with pitchforks. Soon, you’ll turn on Coach Nick, which is close to happening because he’s already known to yell at fans on the sidelines in retribution for mild hazing. Just ignore them, and keep coaching you wacko!

But really, the worst move is from the handful of owners who voted to keep the tush push in the game, you dolts. You fools, why would you let an opposing team keep beating you? Punish them! Vote that stupid play out, no one can stop it, and they’ve won too much. It’s a rugby play — no one should be pushing each other. That shit is ridiculous.

Anything that has like a 100% success rate needs to be regulated out of sports. Get rid of it. So I blame you, losing franchises who don’t win anything: Baltimore Ravens (losers), Miami Dolphins (biggest losers), Lions, Browns, and Jaguars (never been to a Super Bowl), Patriots (evil), Saints (cooked), Jets (don’t get me started), and the Titans (losers). All just voted to let a smarter, better team perpetually beat them more forever. Idiots.

pic.twitter.com/bQh1wDWhTN

— Philadelphia Eagles (@Eagles) May 21, 2025

Fuck you. Smug assholes. Fuck off with this targeted marketing they scheduled ahead of time. Next year, Goodell will put his thumb on the scales for two more teams and axe this shit.

Honestly, what’s worse might just be exposing Saquon to the fascists who squat in the White House, and then gloating about the two votes you managed to weasel from other dumb owners to save your precious tush push play which should be illegal.

Sorry, I meant to say the worst move was signing James Bradberry to a three year deal. But all that other stuff still applies too.

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao