Let’s ask some basic questions up front to set the stage for all the sad KC fanboys and all the other fans who smell blood in the water.

Is Patrick Mahomes still the quarterback of the team?

Yes.

Is Andy Reid still the head coach of the team?

Yup.

Is Travis Kelce still there for the vibes?

Yeah.

Did the team draft an offensive lineman in the first round?

Aye aye.

Then everybody in the AFC is still fucked until the answers to those questions change! As long as no one touches Mahomes, nobody knocks him down (he was upright for his three SB wins) then he will outduel your quarterback, guaranteed. Losing Justin Reed hurts, but everybody loses good players and finds good ones halfway through the year, it’s the natural evolution of sports, the circle of liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife. It moves us alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“I’ll end by asking a simple question that should sort of indicate to you what my criteria will be for these teams: what did Kansas City give up in the trade for taking Patrick Mahomes tenth overall? The answer: doesn’t matter. Irrelevant. Nobody remembers, no one. Not a single soul gives a hoot because they got it right. Now, if you ask a 49ers fan, or a Panthers fan, or a Bears fan what THEIR teams gave up for bad QBs, they will remember exactly what the draft capital was, who was taken with those picks, and never forgive the people involved in setting the franchise back years.”

Last Year: I read a lot about the luckiest team in the history of the league, and I know, I saw all those games and moments where the other team shit the bed in front of Mahomes. But isn’t intimidation a factor in evaluating a team? Willpower, being clutch, staying cool under pressure? I’m willing to give KC the benefit of the doubt when it comes to winning so many close ones — especially over so many good opponents…

…until they got to the Super Bowl, and we found out that no team in the AFC had a pass rush. And the Eagles did, didn’t blitz once, and won easily. Oh well.

I’m sure they’ll be back in contention KNOWING that their one weakness is being unable to keep Patrick upright. It cost them that one Super Bowl against Tampa, and it’ll cost them again. The ones against the 49ers he didn’t get touched once, and they won, so go figure. Very easy formula to figure out, this team.

Vegas Over/Under: 11.5

Owner: The Hunt family owns the team, and that means it’s harder to make fun of a group of people than just one old white man. They’re all from Texas (too easy), own the Hunt Oil and Petroleum Companies (way too easy), and are worth $24.8 billion (they hit the trifecta for things to ridicule). Why can’t these evil people be bad at running a football team like most of the other owners?

GM: Brett Veach, who gets to dine out for free at every Kansas City BBQ joint forever (lucky man) for being a part of the brain trust who traded up for Patrick Mahomes. I’ve been to KC, and that BBQ is the best in the world. I’d be 900 pounds easily if I worked for the team, and won all those championships. I’d show up every day and just get free meals while I wore my Mahomes jersey. What a life that must be. Maybe I should go back, and ask everyone who lives there what that must be like.

Coach: The mustached maestro: Andy motherfucking Reid. Unimpeachable, lifetime pass, guy has proven he’s the best coach in the NFL for years now. I can’t say anything about him that hasn’t already been said. He seems like a good hang — he seems cool.

QB: The greatest quarterback to ever play professional football who also hasn’t ever been caught/suspended for cheating multiple times. Which makes him the best in my eyes. No one goes around defending Barry Bonds as the best hitter because he cheated, so why would that be any different here? Pat isn’t the fantasy god he once was, but I would murder somebody in cold blood to get him on my team, so I can finally watch a Jets game for the first time in over a decade.

Line Play: (Pretends to be a mechanic looking under the hood) Well HERE’S yer problem, right here! Your offensive line sucks, and cost you another Super Bowl! They fell over at the slightest bit of a breeze, a hint of air gusting past them made them buckle and freeze, then they fell down. Not great when you’re trying to win a football game, I think.

I would have loved to see more of Chris Jones, Nick Bolton, and even Trent McDuffie harass Hurts more in that game, but alas, they did not do a great job. Might be time to rejigger the roster, and not rely on such old players (*cough Travis cough*) to block, but I trust the front office to course correct. Or just rely on their first rounder Josh Simmons to fix things and wait for their hurt receivers to be healthy!

PFF has the Chiefs ranked 20th in terms of their O-line, which does not bode well for your chances to go to a fourth straight Super Bowl. They traded Joe Thuney, signed Jaylon Moore, drafted Josh Simmons, and still have the duo of Trey Smith and Creed Humphrey chugging along. Might be the worst unit in years, honestly, which would spell doom if you can’t patch that up by the time January arrives.

Your front seven is mediocre — barely better but still not that threatening. Yick. Putting everything on Mahomes again with the same group of pass catchers and running backs is super gross. Not going to lie.

2025 Draft: Outside of the tackle who everyone mocked to go to KC, the team also hit the line in other ways with DT Omarr Norman-Lott and TE Ashton Gillotte. Can either of those men protect Patrick Mahomes? No! Seems off to take guys who can’t do that, but what do I know?

Red State? You twerps went for Trump by almost 20 points, but that’s to be expected. Missouri is part of the flyover states, and funnily enough, your personal Jesus, Donald, thought the team played in Kansas. And you let him off the hook because you were too racist to care! Rest assured, at least New Yorkers know their teams play in New Jersey. And since they’re trash, that’s where they belong.

Dumbest Move: Has to be this moment that almost caused my fiancée to end up in jail. She was so angry. She was ready to MURDER somebody on the behalf of Taylor Swift. Just tempting the football gods to have a bad game in SB LIX.

Otherwise it might be thinking Rashee Rice can become the second coming of Tyreek Hill. Yikes times infinity.

Read More Here!

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 – Eagles

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao