Let’s all focus on the most important thing surrounding the team formerly known as the St. Louis Rams: Sean McVay’s wife!

Okay, now that we all got that out of our systems, us perverts can talk about the team he coaches, which gave the Eagles the best shot of anybody.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“Two teams that play in Missouri, being the two smartest teams? What a red-letter day for the Ozarks. Never in my wildest dreams… hold on (someone whispers in my ear) they moved to where?

The fact that after that Super Bowl win the team didn’t completely collapse into a disaster is a testament to this team’s leadership, strategy, vision, and commitment. They’re also, surprise surprise, terrific at drafting. Whether it be luck or actual skill in scouting (borderline witchcraft), they have a wicked knack for picking up impact guys and coaching them UP and not into the ground (Jared Goff is still good, Tyler Higbee in the 4th, Gerald Everett in the 2nd, Cooper Kupp in the 3rd, Josh Reynolds in the 4th, Darrell Henderson in the 3rd, Cam Akers in the 2nd, Van Jefferson in the 2nd, Tutu Atwell in the 2nd, Kyren Williams in the 5th, Puka Nacua in the 5th, and gave the Jets John Franlin-Myers thank you for that).”

Last Season: They had a great year, right? I’m not misremembering this, am I? They went to the playoffs and then won the division and ten games. Yeah, they were doing really well. Until this happened…

A look back at Saquon Barkley 78-Yard TD in the Rams vs Eagles Divisional Round last season🦅 pic.twitter.com/3HH62pgzt5

— 𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒅 ♛ (@DillyPhilly215) July 23, 2025

What the fuck was that? You blew it! And now I have to hear it from Philly fans. Thanks for that, you stupid assholes. Oh, let’s not cover the best player on the other team. Genius!

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5

Owner: Stan Kroenke, whose first name is Enos, seems like he’s evil. Pretty sure he’s evil. For example, the “hoarding billions of dollars from most of the planet” thing. He owns Arsenal (that’s European soccer, a blind spot for me), the Colorado Rapids in the MLS, and the Colorado Mammoth in the National Lacrosse League. That’s not a real thing, right?

Colorado is a long way from both St. Louis and LA, buddy. And fun fact: his wife technically owns the Denver Nuggets and Avalanche, so he can worm his way out of the NFL rule that disallows owners from having teams in other markets. Asshole. He moved the team from Missouri to California in a case of the rich getting richer before they won that Super Bowl. Haven’t the Ozarks suffered enough, Stanley? What did you do to help the opioid crisis?

Oh, it says here in my research that his wife is also part of Walmart’s Walton family. Okay, that seals it.

GM: The Rams are the rare kind of team that you become jealous of. Their success, their hiring, their savvy, and wise moves — it all makes me puke because that’s what most fans actually want for their teams. Les Snead is the kind of guy who is underrated, cool, respected, flies under the radar, and delivers the goods. It’s so aggravating to talk about this team because it’s lacking in places for ridicule or any real dumb decisions. Fuckers.

Coach: The luckiest man on Earth: Sean McVay. He has a photographic memory, which allows him to sweet talk anybody away from discussing his ’90s boy band haircut.

QB: Matt Stafford — a saint. He shuts his mouth, does his job, doesn’t complain, and has admiration for the hard working blue collar fans… Wait, I’m being told this was him in Detroit, and that so far his tenure in LA is just mostly playing indoors and getting into contract disputes despite him being 37. Might as well be 87. But he’s better than anybody your stupid team has had in years (I’m guessing that whoever is reading this roots for the Bears — that seems like a reasonable guess statistically speaking).

Guess who already has back problemsssssssssssssssssssss! Matt Stafford is the answer, that’s who. Whom? Who? Who.

Line Play: PFF ranks the Rams exactly in the middle of the league in terms of their O-line. Perfectly cromulent, a mediocre group of men doing just okay. Lovely. Ripe for comedy, a totally fine O-line, really giving me tons to work with. God, I hate writing about this Rams team, even their bad qualities are still just whatever, league average. Be bad at something! God damnit, do something idiotic like every other organization!

Your front seven is also middle of the pack, but I will say that Jared Verse is the first celebrity with my first name to actually be good. Do you know how long I’ve waited to have a role model named Jared? With that spelling? I’ve had to endure years of Leto, Fogle, Kushner, Just Jared, the jewelry store, and the director of the Minecraft movie, Jared Hess.

Other athletes include Jared Cook, Jared Dudley, Jared Sullinger, and Jared Allen, who retired forever ago and he wore #69. Nice.

2025 Draft: Your first round selection was… nobody. Oh, Jared Harris! From “Mad Men” he counts, I claim him. He’s incredible.

Your second round is Turd Ferguson? Wait, that cannot be right.

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s Terrance Ferguson — a tight end from Oregon. Sure, he sounds perfect. You also took someone named Chris Paul Jr., and no way that’s the son of NBA star Chris Paul.

Red State? California is maybe the bluest state in the union, and where most of our money is generated, so you get a pass, all twelve Rams fans out there potentially reading this. But this does allow me to drop another “your owner is evil” bombshell because of course Stan Kroenke donated a million fucking dollars to Trump’s inaugural committee.

Go to hell. Or worse yet, go back to St. Louis where people knew you existed. Two teams in LA and nobody cares! What a sin. Nobody is aware there are multiple Los Angeles teams right now going to the playoffs, and that’s because neither are the Raiders.

Dumbest Move: I think the Allen Robinson contract is off your books since you signed him to a three year deal worth $46.5 million back in 2022. Boy, that was a huge mistake. Sucks Odell Beckham Jr.’s entire career ended on the spot in the Super Bowl, but I’m sure he can cry into his ring and wipe away any other tears with his millions of dollars.

Read More Here.

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 – Eagles

2 – Chiefs

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao