The Baltimore Ravens lost the AFC Championship game in 2024 for two reasons: One, they didn’t run the ball nearly enough. And second, but more importantly, they didn’t have anybody to reliably catch the football from their talented quarterback. Again.

In 2023, the Ravens drafted Zay Flowers, who is good. Not great, but good. He sucked in the playoffs when they needed him most. They also signed Odell Beckham Jr. way after his prime. He sucked too. In 2024, the Ravens traded for Diontae Johnson, who sucks. Also, Mark Andrews became an old, unreliable man with buttery, slippery fingers. Just big ol’ wet noodles attached to his wrists. No one can catch the ball, so why bother to have Lamar throw it?

To address this glaring need, the Ravens brought in fellow washed WR DeAndre Hopkins. They’ll also heavily rely on the same backfield, the same TE room, and several men I’ve never heard of (Tylan Wallace, LaJohntay Wester, Malik Cunningham, Keith Kirkwood). Rashod Bateman is still somehow on this roster. This team will not be making the Super Bowl, mark my words. Can Jaire Alexander switch over to WR like an older Travis Hunter?

Every analyst thinks this is a Super Bowl roster because they leveled up in the off-season and drafted well again, but heed my warning, Baltimore: This will be the last year for John Harbaugh if he can’t make this work. If Lamar can’t make it happen, the last straw before they do something drastic is…

… Likely nothing. This franchise is quite stable, and loves continuity and small upgrades over wholesale changes; which is wise.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“Brock Purdy has won more playoff games already than Lamar has. Lamar has two MVP trophies and seems more like Steve Nash than Malone or Barkley, because they at least went to the Finals. It’s frightening that this organization hasn’t won more than it already has. Steve Bisciotti is a hell of an owner, Eric DeCosta is an excellent GM, and John Harbaugh used to be the best coach in the league. But he’s sort of fallen off recently, mainly because they didn’t run the ball on the Chiefs (sorry, I will stop bringing it up, it’s just so stupid I can’t help it).

The team makes the right moves constantly and gets to the edge of success consistently, only for something out of their hands to happen. Or, in the case of earlier this year, it was in their hands, and they refused to rush more than 20 times. Or in the case of Zay Flowers, in his hands and then out of his hands.”

And now it was Mark Andrews who had the ball slip through his hands! Every year it’s a new guy! Unreal.

Last Season: The Baltimore Ravens failed to reach the AFC Championship game because they still didn’t have anyone to reliably catch the football. Again. This has been the problem for the Ravens since 2012: No one can catch the ball when they need to. No one with two hands can hold onto the ball, and then run around afterwards. Which is sort of important — that’s how yards are gained and offenses are run.

Am I beating a dead horse? Maybe the Bengals and Ravens can trade a defensive star for Tee Higgins, just a thought.

Vegas Over/Under: 11.5

Owner: Steve Bisciotti, which is not pronounced with hard consonants like biscotti the food. He’s among the richest Americans alive after founding Aerotek. I have no evidence to prove that Aerotek currently is breaking the law, or is actively supporting any problematic governments, so…

*Does some research*

Oh, god damn it! This is vomit inducing. A disturbing, troubling, shameless, blood boiling read from The Cauldron.

GM: Eric DeCosta, who inserted his foot into his mouth when handling the scandal about GOAT kicker Justin Tucker being an alleged horrible sex pest in the same mold as Deshaun Watson. Tucker allegedly harassed multiple massage therapists, which is fucking abhorrent behavior if true. He’s guilty in the court of public opinion, but I cannot legally say he did those things he’s accused of.

So what did DeCosta do/say (instead of getting somebody to catch the ball)?

I’m a fan of DeCosta as a football mind. This is incredibly tone deaf.

— Mina Kimes (@minakimes.bsky.social) 2025-05-05T21:05:31.629Z

What a weasel. Cowardly. Chicken shit. I’d fire him today if I could. And they should! You have an MVP candidate, so win more games.

Coach: John Harbaugh — the guy that lives in his younger brother Jim’s shaddow. He keeps the Ravens in the midst of things, but has clearly not caught up to speed on how the modern NFL works, which is namely throwing the ball to people who can catch it. I’m not sure he’s a good coach anymore because he clearly isn’t a good judge of character — that is for shit sure. Maybe he’s just comfortable hanging around these people? Trump was found guilty in court, and is a sex criminal, and I can say that because it’s true.

QB: Lamar Jackson. He’s great, yadda yadda, but can’t get it done against Josh Allen or Patrick Mahomes. Maybe get this guy some help — that would lead to more wins in January, I’m sure of it. He’s too talented to just be running around on his own like Michael Vick. Which, by the way, never came close to a Super Bowl because running first is never going to work, throwing will always be the thing that results in rings. Even Mahomes knows that.

Line Play: PFF ranks the Ravens 17th in offensive line ratings — the middle of the pack. Your front seven isn’t much better since the talent on the defense is in the secondary. No pass rush and no pass catchers will lead to problems — just ask the Buffalo Bills because they have the same problem! Notice the zero SB appearances by either MVP-winning player? They can never rely on someone to be there, and the other side can’t stop Mahomes. Why they haven’t figured that out is beyond me.

2025 Draft: You took a safety in the first? I just said what you needed! Fools. You also took a placekicker to replace Tucker, lol. Two offensive tackles, a linebacker, two corners, and a guard. Meh. I’m sure everybody will slobber all over your draft picks like they do every year, and it’ll work out, and yet you won’t win dick. Schmucks.

Red State: Maryland almost doubled up on the Democrats over Republicans in the 2024 election. Good job, Maryland. At least you tried to stave off a plutocracy.

Dumbest Move: Hey, did I mention how nobody on this team can catch?

*Editor pulls my neck off the keyboard with a long pole*

Welp, that’s all folks!

Read more here!

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Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao