Having just been to Denver for the first time, I can confirm it’s a lot of dudes with bikes, beards, and fleece long-sleeve shirts. Not quite the rednecks of the West, but plenty of weed dispensaries to make you question things just a little bit.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“Do you know what else grinds my gears? Pretention. Is there anything worse than an allegedly smart man saying “I knew all along, I was right, trust me you have to believe me! I knew this whole time!!!” Because to me, that seems like total horseshit disguised as a pretentious outburst of attention-grabbing. So now I present to you Sean “I was going to take Mahomes I swear I knew he was great” Payton and John “I was going to take Josh Allen I swear I knew he was good” Elway.

I regret not buying Apple stock in the ’80s, I knew it was worth it trust me I swear. Piss off with that revisionist history woe-is-me bullshit, fuck those smug smarmy guys, and fuck half of the US having to root for this team because no one lives in Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, the Dakotas, Nebraska, Utah, and most of Colorado. So much wide open space in our Union that surrounds Colorado with no major cities, so that just means millions automatically root for this team, which is dumb.”

I still hate that too. When the oceans overtake the coastlines, people will flock to the middle of the country despite the tornadoes, wildfires, and earthquakes. Maybe someday there will be more teams in the great plains and Big Sky Country to justify there not being so many Broncos fans. Alas, here we are. Doomed to hear the cries of millions yelling “Broncos country, let’s ride” into the wind, like ignorant assholes.

Last Season: Once, I witnessed a 2-1 Jets team lose horribly to a flimsy, lifeless Broncos team. That’s when I knew two things: Patrick Surtain II is the best corner in the league, not Sauce Gardner, and that my team sucked and your team was good. And that was the case up until the ass whooping the Bills put on you because damn that was a clinic. Maybe next year you’ll get the Chargers or somebody easier. Who knows?

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5

Owner: Samuel Robson Walton, the billionaire heir to the Walmart fortune. This motherfucker is worth $115.3 billion, making him the 13th richest person in the world. He alone hoards so much wealth from the rest of society, he could help feed every human, build shelter for every human, and rescue all of the pets in kennels. He chooses to run the Broncos instead — living the good life of underpaying Walmart greeters, and definitely not using every trick in the book to not pay Walmart’s fair share of taxes thanks to loopholes and a lack of government accountability/oversight. Every company does it, and it makes me sick to my stomach to consider the remote possibility that such a thing could happen to the Walmart corporation. Inconceivable. Nah, impossible!

GM: George Paton, architect of the Russell Wilson deal, gets to retain his job because Sean Payton knows how to coach football. What a scam, this man should have been run out of Colorado with pitchforks and torches years ago, but sits in a beautiful office overlooking a mountain because somebody else does his job better than Paton can run a team. Eat some shit while you’re at it.

Coach: Sean Payton, wizard of all wizards, magician of all magicians. He was gifted a 48-year-old man in Bo Nix who played for 17 years in college, and put his nose to the grindstone on his way to the playoffs. Good job. Congrats. I’m so happy for you.

I think all Broncos fans are in the frame of mind that delusional Yankee fans are: The zone of thinking that it’s their god-given birth right to be good every season and to have the messiah working for their team whether that be John Elway, Tim Tebow, or Peyton Manning. And it just seems to work out for them most of the time, too! Pretentious nonsense, if you ask me.

QB: Bohemian Nicks. RoBOert HeNdrIX. Listen, I got nothing here, he shut me up after the year he had; I thought he’d be a bust for sure. Not many rookies play all the games in their first season and then go on to make the post season the way Nix did. Now, I have to target him in fantasy because the first two rounds are 11 dudes all overreaching for Allen, Hurts, Jackson, and Daniels. Which leaves nobody for the rest of us, and now I have to be familiar with the dregs of that position, like trusting Baker Mayfield or relying on Trevor Lawrence. Disgusting.

Line Play: PFF ranks the Broncos second overall as the best offensive line in all of football. That’s mind blowing to me, considering the Broncos have no run game this year and are relying on a rookie. I’m also reading that Quinn Meinerz is the best right guard in the league, which would be great if Bo Nix had anybody to throw to on that side of the field.

The front seven is maybe the best in the league — this team is fucking loaded on both sides of the ball. The rest of the defense is stacked especially in the secondary. The only way this team loses the division is if they happen to go up against two better QBs and coaches… oh wait. Oops. That’s exactly what’s gonna happen with Herbert and Mahomes from now until eternity.

2025 Draft: Your second and third rounders are now immediate starters, and I know that because I’m having to draft RJ Harvey at RB and Pat Bryant at WR at not insignificant rounds. You couldn’t pay anybody to be a weapon for Bo? Just loading up more on that downright scary defense? I guess so because you took Jahdae Barron in the first round. Good luck, I’m sure these guys will all work out for you and I’ll eat my words (I won’t.)

Red State: Thank goodness Colorado went blue because my sister lives there and I cannot stomach the thought that she has to go on dating apps and swipe through the dregs of MAGA.

Dumbest Move: I still cannot get over the Russell Wilson deal. I can’t get over Sean Payton wanting to come here without a squad or cap space instead of waiting a season for the Cowboys job. Maybe he knew Jerry Jones had totally lost his mind, but I’m stunned this team rebuilt and is a contender only a few years after the worst trade of all time.

Or the second worst — that might actually go to the Browns Watson fiasco. The Broncos gave up Charles Cross, Derick Hall, Boye Mafe, and Devon Witherspoon for the luxury of overpaying for a washed-up Wilson. Absolutely pathetic both then and now. But the geniuses behind that are now in the drivers seat which goes to show there is no reward for good ideas and management, only luck, and the worst people imaginable continue to fail upwards and win at everything in life.

Read more here.

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao