Oh my god this team signed Michael Jordan!

No, not that one. This one!

Welp, they tried, anyways. Can’t blame them for it, I’d do the same thing too.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“Remember when they took Roberto Aguayo in the 2nd round? How did that not come back to bite them in the ass, I’ll never know. But the future doesn’t suck for the Bucs, because they got underrated free agent Baker Mayfield on a good deal and they won a playoff game. Good for them. Mike Evans is a Hall of Famer, and that makes me jealous. Tampa is a cesspool with the most strip clubs in the world, but they know how to win football games at the highest level. If only Jameis Winston weren’t a criminal and totally blind, and I didn’t have to put an asterisk on your Brady years because he probably planted bugs in the opposing team’s locker rooms, then I would respect the Bucs. But I don’t.”

And I still don’t until they can prove they didn’t cheat to win that one year. Which will never happen.

Last Season: You won the worst division in football and then lost a squeaker to the upstart Washington Commanders. I think that’s a borderline disappointment of a season, but also, like, not the worst thing to happen to a team. Man, those three points, that’s rough. You could have been playing and losing in Philadelphia a few weeks later if you’d played your cards right. Which you didn’t.

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5

Owner: Let’s not glaze over this family, it’s the Glazers! Chief among them is Edward Glazer, who donates so much money to the Trump Victory fund that he is personally lodged deep within Barron’s butt cheeks looking for a way out. Anyone who associates themselves with the likes of Satan incarnate Tom Brady and Orange Hitler is so unbelievably evil, it defies logic. Just the most putrid, rancid, foul smelling stench you can never rid yourself of. The debauchery this family has probably paid for, seen, hid, and lied about could fill The Hague. Never let Trumpers off the hook, for as long as their tiny beating hearts pump blood through their racist veins.

GM: Jason Licht, who has a history of working for either the Miami Dolphins (also from Florida, yuck), the Patriots (evil), or the Arizona Cardinals (embarrassingly pathetic). But having been the GM of the Bucs for so long, it’s hard to deny he’s very talented at drafting. Those cheating accusations won’t ever leave my lips, or, in this case, fingertips since I’m typing.

Coach: Failed Jets head coach Todd Bowles is still here, angrily looking up at the scoreboard for some reason. He won a ring under Bruce Arians, I’m assuming they recorded the Chief’s practice ahead of time, and now he takes over a perennial playoff contender and de facto leader of the NFC South. The worst division in the sport. Imagine if my Jets got to play the Falcons, the Panthers, and the Saints over and over. We’d have made Todd Bowles look amazing.

QB: Baker Mayfield is pretty cool. I can’t hate on him, he seems like he’s worked his ass off to outplay the teams that took him on. Felt like yesterday he was grabbing his crotch on the sidelines on Saturday, and now he’s saluting the flag on Sundays. Oh, how time flies. He’s become one hell of a professional, and matured quite a lot. I will be taking him in fantasy if he drops to me a round after he’s suspected to go based on current ADPs.

Line Play: While the injury to Tristan Wirfs is substantial, this line is still very good. Not quite elite, not until Wirfs comes back, but Luke Goedeke, Cody Mauch, and Graham Barton are hard to beat. Also, Bucky Irving plays for the Bucs? You couldn’t write material that funny if you tried! The front seven could use some work though.

2025 Draft: Having watched Ohio State lose year after year to Michigan, I can tell you with certainty two things to be true: Ohio State QBs never work out in the NFL, but they recruit the best WRs in the business. And for years, the guy who never stood out and was always second or third best on the team was Emeka Egbuka. So, naturally, he got drafted to replace Chris Godwin and Mike Evans. He will not replace either man. The Bucs also took two CBs and two edge rushers, which… Okay. Fine. Sure, I guess. But then you also took a guy named Tez Johnson. Tez? What kind of a name is that?

Red State: Do NOT even get me fucking started on this godforsaken state. I could write a novel about every foible, every sack of shit to slither past state lines and crawl into any orifice they can get their sticky, greedy — you know what, I’m not going to do this right now. There are two other teams who play in Florida, so I’ll save the goods for later. Just know this: Fuck that state, and if it fell into the ocean, humanity would be better off in every single imaginable way.

Dumbest Move: Did the Russell Gage deal finish yet? You signed him for years, and he didn’t work out. But unless he’s off the book, I have to say he was still the worst move by far. If not, then… Oh, I don’t know, let’s say the worst move was keeping an aging core both on and off the field to just wither away after Brady left for the booth. Or all the money Glazer donated. I’m still irate about that.

Read more here.

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao