Who could have seen this coming? Not me, that’s for sure. And neither did anybody else. You weren’t supposed to be in the NFC Championship Game, and yet you were. Congrats. You will not be back. Your window of time before Daniel’s first big contract for $999 million over four years will cap string the team indefinitely, and you still have to beat either the Rams or the Eagles within the next three seasons.

Good luck, considering your best receiver realized he was worth too much, carrying the team for years, for not nearly enough money, and once everybody noticed that fact he said to himself, “Wow, I should be getting paid much more for this shit job.”

And he was right. Hold out for as long as you can, Terry. I believe in you.

The longer this situation goes, the more I keep dropping the team down in my rankings. They were in the top five, but now they’re barely in the top ten. Because they should just sign him and get it over with because without him they don’t have RBs, WRs, pass rush, defense… Wait, what does this team have other than a quarterback?

What I Wrote Last Year:

“The last time you jabronis were good was back in the Nineties. Remember the Nineties? Greatest decade in human history, shame it had to end with Columbine, Bush v. Gore, September 11th, and the Tuck Rule game. We had a surplus, the internet didn’t suck, movies were saved by indie directors and not ruined by CGI yet, rap music really came into its own, TV evolved from lame sitcoms, and video games became mainstream.

I’m waxing poetic about an America that no longer exists, except I get to do it properly because the tax code wasn’t rigged against the middle class, and I’m not using conservative dog whistles to signify racists to storm the capital. Where was Dan Snyder on January 6th? And why do both NFL fans and insurrectionists paint their faces and dress up in silly costumes? Don’t answer that, they’re the same. Some of those who work forces are the same who burn crosses.”

Never forget, Washington D.C. fans, you all rooted for a racist name and logo for DECADES and no amount of dressing up like a pig with a fun snout can erase that from history, you bigoted bunch of bastards. And now you have to call your team a nickname nobody likes, whose shortened version is “commies.” Ahahahaha. Serves you right for becoming a Christofascist nation, America.

Last Season: How did th-

[Highlight] Saquon Barkley TD on Eagles' first play on offense
byu/nfl innfl

Never mind. I thought Trump’s best friend was supposed to be in Washington D.C. and not playing running back for the Eagles. Strange how that happens.

Never forget: This is the same team and ownership group that traded FOR Carson Wentz. That energy is still intact, despite the over-performance last season because most of Detroit’s defensive starters were on IR. They weren’t supposed to be in that game!

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5 (which is the Las Vegas betting zone for just being lazy and saying a good team might win anywhere between 9 and 10 games, good luck bozos!)

Owner: Last year, I pointed out that your principal owner is Josh Harris — the guy who owns the Philadelphia 76ers. And I joked, at the time:

“RIP to this fanbase lol this team isn’t winning anything ever. Lower leg injury surgeons should move from Philly to DC starting in September, going to be a lot of Achilles and ACL/MCL tears soon enough. Don’t trust this process, folks, it will only lead to heartbreak and breaks of many other kinds. They should replace the field with medical gauze preemptively.”

Since then, they traded for Paul George who himself underwent a litany of injuries. Tyrese Maxey sat out, Jared McCain, your rookie, was donezo soon after, the entire team fell apart, and that’ll happen to the Commanders. Jayden, listen up man, work extra hard on leg day. Just work on your lower half strength because you’re gonna need it. Knees tend to buckle under Josh Harris. And find good health insurance for surgeries too.

GM: Adam Peters: A random guy from Cupertino who thinks he’s smarter than he really is because he’s from Cupertino. It says here that he’s listed as having three Super Bowl rings, but considering he was just a scout until 2017, that’s honestly a stretch. He was the assistant GM to the 49ers for many years, and the first year of that featured the infamous Trey Lance draft day deal.

Coach: Dan Quinn, who will forever have the following image hung around his neck until he dies. And then it will be laid bare on his corpse, in his coffin, around his neck long after he is dead and buried:

Jesus H. Christ, look at that score, the time left, and the perfect visual metaphor for life. Anyways, I cannot explain how or why this team did so well last year, but I’m more inclined to give credit to the man headlining the next section and not the bozo from this one.

QB: Jayden Daniels, the rookie wunderkind who is a prime candidate for regression to the mean this season. He got his team to leapfrog the super injured Detroit Lions and landed his team in the NFC title game. Ahead of schedule? Ahead of expectations? More like ahead of the game! This will not happen next year when defenses figure out how to slow him down.

I have no clue who is running the ball for this team, nor do I know who is catching the ball besides the one guy who is holding out for a new contract. The defense is mid at best, but the fantasy implications for Daniels remain highly important, so the team should go ahead and just sign Scary Terry by now.

Line Play: PFF ranks your offensive line as being one spot above the Kansas City Chiefs which means your ceiling is being destroyed in the Super Bowl. Sam Cosmi suffered a torn ACL six months ago, so build a time machine and go back and prevent that from happening. Or Laremy Tunsil from being old.

By the way, he led the league last year in penalties accepted, so maybe he’s over his skis just a little bit.

You don’t have any pass rush, Chase Young was a Jadaveon Clowney-level bust, your best linebacker is the decrepit Bobby Wagner, and people will figure out Jayden Daniels soon enough. Lamar Jackson 2.0. Or 0.5 to be more exact — he won’t win any MVPs.

2025 Draft: You took some offensive lineman named Josh Conerly, Jr. at the end of the first round, which is good because the Chiefs probably wanted that guy. But then you only had four other picks, and I’ve never heard of them, which means I’ll never have to because they won’t be any good.

Red State: The District of Columbia is not a state, but it should be. I think we should update the American flag with two more stars: One for D.C. and one for Puerto Rico. Each should receive 100 members of the House of Representatives, 15 new Senators, and each should be worth 300 electoral college votes. I am not a crackpot.

And look what King Trump is doing to this city! It’s because the Black population is over 40 percent, and you know he can’t stand to see that. Unspeakable horror, contemptible, vile, and disastrous. He can shove it, fucking zombie-ass President.

Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) police patrolling the National Mall @WUSA9 pic.twitter.com/M6uuFiqBVF

— Lorenzo Hall (@LorenzoHall) August 11, 2025

Genuinely incredible that she's saying this with 2 accused rapists on either side of her

— Kylie Cheung (@kylietcheung.bsky.social) 2025-08-11T17:23:56.854Z

"Crime in DC is at a 30-year low" Doesn't matter. What matters is what the dippiest right-wing Fox viewer is prepared to believe, which is whatever is most politically expedient for their chosen avatar of racial grievance

— Ian Boudreau (@ianboudreau.com) 2025-08-11T18:20:01.891Z

Dumbest Move: Signing Terry McLaurin seems like a good idea, but you clearly don’t want to pay a guy in his 30s any money. Certainly not for past performances. And since below is the list of QBs he’s had to make look decent, he’s owed at least 18 trillion dollars. Take a look at Pro Football Reference!

So other than him wanting to be dealt elsewhere, and hiring Atlanta Falcons implosion architect Dan Quinn as your head coach, the next best thing I can think of is when you drafted Emmanuel Forbes. He was horrible. Not exactly the same brand name value as Forbes the magazine because Emmanuel was cut from the team after sucking too much. Maybe you should have taken Christian Gonzalez, who went one pick after him instead. Keep building that time machine, Commanders!

Read more here!

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

8 – Bucs

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao