If I were to create the most horrible disappointment of a franchise, it would look like the Cleveland Browns. But if the Browns were actually successful and smart, but wildly unlucky, then they would be the Buffalo Bills. In fact, if you look up Buffalo, you can find a lot of interesting facts. The land it was built on was colonized from the Erie and Iroquois nation. In 1797, the Treaty of Big Tree was signed between the Seneca Nation and the U.S. — stripping titles of the land west of the Genesee River, and the following words appear over and over in my research: snake-bitten, blighted, foredoomed, bedeviled, and cursed.

I wonder why.

Never forget that for many decades the face of this franchise turned out to be a literal murderer. Double homicide, too, amongst many other crimes he finally got thrown in prison for. This is who we’re talking about, a brain fart turned into an organization. One that is bereft of memorable moments that didn’t immediately turn sour. A team built on a legacy of broken dreams, living nightmares, whiffed draft picks, and legitimately talented players who I find loathsome because they stick around in Buffalo, New York.

I am loath to call this team smart when I truly think they are not. Instead, they just get lucky before their sad, pathetic history turns for the worst just like it always does. The Native American hex that surrounds the city is a nasty, ugly, volatile, abhorrent deity who strikes every January and February for the Bills. It’s like playing for the Bills stains you with an unshakable aura of loserdom — one that you’ll never be able to wash off your body let alone your jersey.

I don’t know who plays for the Bills, but it doesn’t seem to matter until it does. And you’ll know the names of the individuals responsible for such agonizing blunders. Every Sabres fan will have them writing those names down on a hit list like Arya Stark planning on her revenge murders.

This has to be the year, and if it is, you gotta go through the same buzz saw that KC did — albeit with a better offensive line which could actually help. Maybe the Eagles will actually call a blitz instead of just doing literally nothing and still dominating the game.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“The Buffalo Bills are an enigma wrapped in a puzzle inside of a mystery box. They’re the best Rorschach test in sports; either you see what they’re doing and the brilliance within that, and the team just gets unlucky, or you see mediocrity propped up by wishful thinking and a history of being the ultimate underdog. I just have a feeling that Josh Allen is Jim Kelly (but worse,) and there isn’t a Bruce Smith to join him in the pit of misery. Jim Kelly didn’t throw interceptions at every chance he got, so maybe tell Josh to stop throwing picks. I don’t know who he’s going to throw to, but that isn’t my problem.

The Bills are just a glossier version of the Jets, but somehow we are a laughing stock and Buffalo isn’t. But they’re the same, I know what they are underneath all of the admiration and praise lavished upon them. If Buffalo couldn’t win those four straight Super Bowls, they will never win one in my lifetime, and I stand by that.”

Bills fans act like drunken buffoons and hooligans as an act, but deep down they’re also pieces of shit too. Just the most miserable, bleak sack of chuds and duds to wear the same color every Sunday. Imagine making Philly fans look sophisticated by comparison. Buffalo residents are nothing but lazy philistines in upstate New York. I’m sorry, western New York — I apologize. You all don’t like to be called “upstate” from people like me. The only parts of the state that actually matter are NYC and Long Island.

Canada, you can have most of New York state. Go Jets.

Last Season: Please click here to find out what every season for the Bills ends up as.

Or the missed field goal against the Giants.

Or the blown first down to lose against the Chiefs.

Rinse and repeat. Cough cough choke job.

This team went to four straight Super Bowls and lost them all. If that isn’t karma for what they did to the Native Americans, then I don’t know what is. Give the city of Buffalo back to all the displaced and lied-to tribes, and then maybe you will have a snowball’s chance in hell.

Here’s a fun fact for you all. Well, fun for most people. Seven teams have maintained a winning record over the past five seasons: The Chiefs, Rams, Eagles, Bucs, Bengals, 49ers, and Bills. Six of those teams went to a Super Bowl, and those six either won it or almost won it. The lone team who didn’t go?

Buffalo.

Vegas Over/Under: A league-leading 12.5 games because they play in the AFC East. Fucking assholes.

Owner: Terry Pegula, who I can already tell is going to royally piss me off reading about him.

(*a few minutes later*)

He got his money from fracking? Jesus fucking Christ, what a disgusting gremlin. I hope he takes a long walk off a short pier. Which is very much in the same vein as his team which does that when the two minute warning sounds off at Arrowhead Stadium.

And not content to just remain singularly evil, a consortium of private equity firms and athletes own the Bills with him. No wonder they have no idea what the fuck they’re doing — it’s all C-suite executives in suits sitting around a table talking about “growth hacks.” I would not be stunned at all if the people who ran this team throw darts at a board, shrug their shoulders, donate to Andrew Cuomo’s upcoming campaign, and then drink the blood of innocent babies. I’m NOT saying they do that, but I would not be shocked if they did.

He also owns the Sabres, the worst franchise in the history of the NHL. The Bills are the exact same but with a little more sheen to distract everybody with how shiny they are.

Here’s a snippet from a Grantland piece about Pegula back in 2015:

“He compared Buffalo’s potential to Pittsburgh, which went ‘from a dingy, smelly steel town into what is a pretty impressive city’ thanks to the efforts of ‘a bunch of business people and government getting together.’ He said that while a lot of people see him as a Republican, he prefers to consider himself an American.”

Please go away forever, you corny, hokey, washed-up fracking homunculus.

GM: I’ve never heard of this schmo before in my life, but Brandon Beane sounds like he’s related to another guy who only loses and loves to ruin sports: Billy Beane. Yes, the saber-metrics guy from “Moneyball” who is also, fun fact, a noted Mets draft bust and bringer of analytics doom who I hate with the fury of a thousand suns.

I hear a lot of nonsense spewing from the mouth of this guy, and it all results in the same slop. They shuffle the deck chairs around on the Titanic before choking like dogs. Classic Bills. Even Jim Kelly could manage having the two week grace period between the AFC Championship game and the Super Bowl to delay the disappointment from the fans.

Coach: Sean McDermott seemed like a useful idiot, but for some reason, nobody noticed his luck ran out years ago after this happened. They gotta fire this fucking dude, should have forever ago, and maybe they could have won something for once in their miserable lives.

Because as much as I hate the Bills for their shocking and upsetting incompetence, it annoys me more that they can’t put the pieces together, and I have to watch the train wreck happen in slow motion. Again. Year after year after year. Either be bad like everybody else or win. Don’t reheat the nachos, Buffalo!

QB: They taught an all-American, milk-drinking fullback how to throw the ball. Mazel tov. Congrats on Josh Allen, everybody. A guy with a Clark Gable mustache and a smokin’ hot wife to make his life amazing, but man can he choke away the worst of ’em up there with James Harden and Bill Buckner. He will be taken as the first QB off the board in every fantasy league, and none of it will matter in the end. Much like him and Lamar Jackson, they don’t have anybody to throw the ball to and soon their legs will run into a brick wall (or old age) and then what?

Line Play: The third best O-line? How the fuck did this team lose every year in heartbreaking fashion? You keep Allen upright, and that should be enough, unless you either don’t have any offensive weapons, don’t have any real pass rush, or play on the bodies of millions of Native Americans. Probably the first thing I said.

James Cook is not a good running back — the Bills just have a good line that makes his job easy. I could run through those gaps. The team is right in not paying him a small fortune for replacement-level play.

So the same group of losers from last year are back this year, but now the defense is better! Allegedly. They spend a lot of capital on defenders in the draft (see more below) and they have a top 10 defensive front. But will any of this matter in the end? No. We will all die and the universe will slow down its expansion and freeze.

2025 Draft: The anonymous offensive players who score a million points until the second week of January are joined by lots of newcomers on defense. They loaded up this time, and boy, oh boy, it’ll work. I promise! It won’t be like last year. I swear!

Maxwell Hairston at CB, TJ Sanders at DT, Landon Jackson at Edge, Jordan Hancock at CB, and Dorian Strong at CB. I’m sure these chuckleheads will make the difference.

Red State: I know for a certainty that if every county beneath Yonkers was divided from the rest of New York state, the city and long island would remain blue but upstate would be a deep dark red, one that’s so blood red you’d think the confederacy started in Rochester.

Dumbest Move: I could list last year’s Keon Coleman-Xavier Worthy trade, or the trade for Kelvin Benjamin, or the signing of Von Miller to a six-year $120 million deal that ended real quick. I COULD do any of those things, but I will not. I will simply state that every team is a Ship of Theseus replacing parts constantly except for this dumbass squad who just seems to roll out the same group of idiots and then they lose. Like the chumps they are.

I hate them, and will give them no credit for anything they didn’t accomplish yet. Josh Allen won the MVP, but he should just give it to Hailee Steinfeld for her performance in “Sinners” instead.

Read more here!

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

8 – Bucs

9 – Commanders

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao