The momentum is over, and the window is shut. This team was the rare underdog America loved who became Icarus. The Lions flew too close to the sun, choked against the 49ers, and will never come remotely close to that first Super Bowl appearance they’ve been looking for.

I’m not sure Jared Goff is actually that good as a QB despite the résumé, flashy numbers, and incredibly sexy first name. When push comes to shove, it seems very easy to figure him out and unravel him — leaving a disheveled corpse on the ground. A pile of dust left to disintegrate into the wind (if there was any — they play in an indoor arena).

Does this team even make the playoffs this season? Vikings could regress, Bears seem ready to take their place, but the Packers are winning this division and of course the rest of the NFC will fill in the other spots. I would not be shocked to see a 9-8 season out of Detroit, and they end up missing the seven seed.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“If you didn’t know any better, you’d think this team has always been great at drafting (remember Kerryon Johnson?). In 2019 they took future Viking TJ Hockenson and future Jet Ty Johnson. Cool, thanks, I guess. In 2020 they got much better with future Texan Jeff Okudah and future Bear D’Andre Swift. Hey wait a minute, all of those guys are good but play for other teams, what gives? Stop giving away good players like Matt Stafford to other teams!

But 2021 was a real turnaround for the Lions, in a shocking manner (based on the history of this sport). They got Penei ala vodka Sewell, the highest-paid offensive lineman in NFL history. They got Amon-Ra St. Brown in the 4th and he’s now among the highest-paid WRs in the league. 2022 only kept the good times rolling as the Jaguars passed on Michigan Wolverine legend Aidan Hutchinson and other teams passed on Alabama speedster Jameson Williams.”

I do have to state my bias: I love Aidan Hutchinson. Go Blue.

Last Season: A horrible loss against the Commanders, which is bananas because it wasn’t that long ago they beat the Chiefs in the opening game, and everybody thought that their run was coming. It never came. The bloom has come off the rose for this team in general. There’s no more “Sonic & Knuckles,” there’s no more crazy trick plays coming — it’s just do-or-die in maybe the hardest division in the sport. I fear for their odds.

Vegas Over/Under: 10.5

Owner: Sheila Ford Hamp, a descendant of both the Ford family and Firestone family. Gross! I will now state some facts about Henry Ford:

• Loved conspiracy theories
• Hated Jews
• Worked with Nazi Germany and Hitler
• Hated labor unions
• Opposed FDR and his policies
• Didn’t want America to enter World War II
• Hoarded billions of dollars of wealth away from humanity
• Loved greed

Couldn’t somebody else have made the Model T? Goddamn, I love writing about dead people because they can’t sue me for libel. Henry Ford sucked big time.

https://t.co/gVewOCErHh pic.twitter.com/sPQRzpVd4Y

— Poorly Aged Things (@PoorlyAgedStuff) August 4, 2025

GM: Brad Holmes, a somewhat recent hire who won Executive of the Year in 2023 and 2024 despite not making the Super Bowl in either season. He famously took a running back in the top ten, and as much as everybody (including me) loves Jahmyr Gibbs, you can’t be doing that anymore and expect to be a good team. The reason you’re drafting in the top 10 is because you’re a BAD team, and running the ball isn’t the road to success that it was in 1985. It’s 2025, so get better in other areas.

Coach: This fucking guy. Look at him — he appears ready to bite off some kneecaps!

I have no clue if Dan Campbell is merely playing a meathead to rile up his players, or if he genuinely believes the batshit propaganda he spews out of his ugly mouth. I choose to think the latter based on his actions and public comments.

Going for it on fourth down! Being risky! Doing trick plays! Losing in heartbreaking ways each and every year!

QB: Jared Goff is a man who I’m pretty sure is just a hollow puppet for others to manipulate into throwing the ball. Are there any thoughts going through this guy’s head? Unclear. But he has an arm attached to a helpless, impotent, lifeless body. He reminds me of Fredo Corleone.

Line Play: PFF has your line ranked 13th — pretty good. You lost Kevin Zeitler in free agency and Frank Ragnow to retirement. Which means you gotta start Christian Mahogany and some other rookie next to Penei Sewell. Good luck with that!

Your front seven is a top 10 unit, so this will keep the team afloat until it falls apart come January.

2025 Draft: The names of the rookies this year are beyond preposterous. You took Tyleik Williams at DT, I can’t even begin to pronounce that. Tate Ratledge at OG, that’s a walking stereotype if I’ve ever heard one. Ahmed Hassanein has the word “ass” in it, and all I can think about is these guys being disappointing like Jeff Okudah is.

Red State: Fuuuck youuu, Michiganders. That’s a battleground state, and you chose WRONG. Dead wrong. I already thought the people of Detroit were fools, but not like this. The peak of stupidity, and it sucks that the state is turning into one large red hat factory producing Trump bibles and bitcoins, I’m sure.

Dumbest Move: Hey, remember Terrion Arnold? How did that work out? Hey, remember the Darius Slay trade? How did that work out? Hey, remember losing Aaron Glenn and Ben Johnson in one off season? How did that w-

Read more here!

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

8 – Bucs

9 – Commanders

Smarter Than the Jets, But That’s Not Saying Much:

10 — Bills

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao