Every NFL Team Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: #12 Chicago Bears

This is going to be the hardest article I write for this series because I am attempting to do a few things that make this particular write-up special. First, no cursing. Second, no insulting. And third, no jokes. Just straight-laced analysis with no extra tomfoolery or shenanigans.

I’m marrying into a family from Chicago, and not only do my in-laws read these, but so do children. So this will be the lone link that can be sent around the dinner table come Thanksgiving when I explain what I do for a living.

Thank the nonexistent lord almighty that the Cubs are good this year, or else this city would riot and burn down the United Center. And I don’t blame them.

What I Wrote Last Year :

“The blame goes towards the second, and main, reason the Bears are this low after having a sensational draft.

And that reason is… drumroll please… TRADING UP TO TAKE MITCHELL TRUBISKY! Congrats, I am going to become the Joker through secondhand embarrassment, reliving one of the dumbest moments in NFL history. Nobody thought this rando was any good, let alone great. Everybody knew the 49ers were not going to take a quarterback at #2 that year, especially one as thoroughly milquetoast and white-bread as Mitch. But you gave up #3, a 2nd rounder (who would become Alvin Kamara), a 4th, and a 3rd. For him? He went to North Carolina, a basketball school, which has produced exactly zero pro NFL QBs ever. But THIS was the guy you traded your souls for? We all saw it coming, but immediately, as soon as they turned the card in, negative one trillion IQ points.

It’s up there on the list of worst moves ever, and I’ve seen the Titans take Jake Locker!”

Last Season: Let’s play the clip for the millionth time. This is the exact millisecond your entire season went up in smoke, and wholesale changes inevitably became undeniable. Wild how they managed to fire a coach when none existed. How do you get rid of someone who isn’t there?

Hard not to come away thinking the entire state of Illinois smelled doom the second this happened. And I don’t blame them.

Last year was an absolute disaster, and the reason Chicago ranks so high on my intelligence rankings is because they completely cleaned house, hired new people, hit the O-line hard, and drafted well. That’s how you move up on these ranks: Tangible improvement. At least before the season starts.

Vegas Over/Under: 8.5

Owner: Up until February, it was Virginia Halas McCaskey, who is football royalty. She passed away at the age of 102, and left her 11 children to go through “Succession” to own the Bears. I exaggerate, but now the team is in the (in)capable hands of George McCaskey, who will attempt to see a Bears quarterback throw for 4,000 yards for the first time in this team’s history. And that history dates back over 100 years, so I doubt we will see that in our lifetimes. And I don’t blame me for being pessimistic; have you spoken to a Bears fan recently?

GM: Ryan Poles, who we will talk about later because of his numerous bad decisions, bad trades, bad draft picks, and bad management. When it comes to the Bears’ success and failures, well, let’s all say it at the same time: I do blame him.

Coach: I want to be able to make fun of a coach in this section, but this is the first time that we’ve reached a rookie HC hire on this series. So, offensive guru and QB brainiac Ben Johnson: You’re off the hook until games start being played. Then I can call you braindead. But until then, you did make the Lions score a lot of points in a flashy, fun style. So I can’t blame you yet!

QB: A few months ago, a bombshell book snippet hit the football world. A smart person noticed that playing QB for the Bears… is a bad idea. Shocking, I know! Here are some of the quotes from ESPN’s report highlighting the drama surrounding hyped first overall pick Caleb Williams:

“Quarterback Caleb Williams was so concerned about being picked by the Chicago Bears in 2024 that he and his family weighed circumventing the entire NFL draft, consulting with lawyers to figure out a way around the league’s collective bargaining agreement while considering signing with the United Football League, details from a forthcoming book reveal.

“Chicago is the place quarterbacks go to die,” Carl Williams, Caleb’s father, told Seth Wickersham, author of “American Kings: A Biography of the Quarterback,” in the months before the 2024 draft.

Caleb Williams wondered aloud to confidants: “Do I want to go there? I don’t think I can do it with [former Bears offensive coordinator Shane] Waldron.”

And I don’t blame him! He’s 100% right — of course I wouldn’t want to be playing the most cursed position on the most cursed team for a bunch of schmucks. It’s upsetting that somebody so talented had to deal with a rookie season where all he did was get sacked. Williams got knocked around like someone shrunk him down real tiny, and sent him flying inside of a pinball machine.

If there was a living, breathing head coach he would have done something about this team’s struggles.

Line Play: What a glow up for the Bears! This is the most amount of optimism one can receive knowing that they’re going from one of the worst lines in the league to PFF’s 4th ranked unit. The improvements start with Darnell Wright and Braxton Jones returning, Jonah Jackson being healthy, Drew Dalman being signed, and the team trading for stud Joe Thuney.

Well done, Poles! But I still remember you giving up a second rounder for Chase Claypool. Shame on you sir for that travesty.

2025 Draft: The best tight end I’ve ever seen in college, Colston Loveland was the most reliable man for the Michigan Wolverines, and now he’s become Caleb’s security blanket. You better believe I’m taking this guy in every fantasy league I’m in because the upside is tremendous. There’s also a lot of hype buzzing around Missouri WR Luther Burden III, but none for any of the creative names they took in other rounds: Ozzy Trapilo, Ruben Hyppolite II, Shemar Turner, Zah Frazier, and Kyle Monangai.

Red State: Illinois remains the crown jewel of the Midwest because enough sane people live in Chicago to carry that state. The chills I’m getting thinking of writing about the Indianapolis Colts later on — it’s just unnatural. Eerie. Confounding. I better make sure I know how to spell the word “ignoramus” for that one.

But let’s just check in real quick with US Senator Tammy Duckworth from Illinois to see how things are going in “blue state” land…

An absolutely epic thread from Aidan Moher — I highly recommend you read the replies he added to this post. I could go on and on insulting all the voters I want, but it won’t amount to anything if we let capitalists call every shot. They will never have anything else in mind as a goal except money. Not rights, not people, not community, not progress, not long term health, not the future. Nothing but more money right now at the expense of everything, and that’s apocalyptic.

Dumbest Move: Listen, I know you hired a new coach, but still — taking Justin Fields and not coaching him at all, then surrounding Caleb Williams with zero coaching. Honestly, that’s malpractice. From the top down, it’s just a bunch of stinky doo-doo heads and smelly pee-pee heads. I told you I couldn’t curse, so this is my only G-rated post going up. I went so easy on you Chicagoans — all greasy and full of sausage without any ketchup.

You dirty lint lickers. Sons of biscuit eating bulldogs. Stinky McStinkFace.

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

8 – Bucs

9 – Commanders

Smarter Than the Jets, But That’s Not Saying Much:

10 — Bills

11 — Lions

Image credit: Nathan Dumlao