The last two years of Houston Texans football was a thunderous, loud emergence that this was the team of the future. And to be fair, on paper, winning two straight playoff games with a rookie (then sophomore) quarterback in C.J. Stroud and top three pick in Will Anderson Jr. is evidence of this. They have a young receiving core, a young coach who knows what he’s doing, and a bright future. It’s hard to argue against that.

But here I am, doing everything I can to prove these are the last of the glory days before NRG Stadium into a clown show. A circus led by the best pricks, dicks, and chodes in all of Texas. I don’t want to hear any more excuses anymore. Stroud is doing something with nothing, but it isn’t enough. Yet, at the same time, it’s the ceiling after doing too much. This team now has no offensive line, has no running backs, and their WRs keep getting hurt or leaving. It seems like Stroud is regressing despite the record. What is really going on here? Let us dive deeper into the morass, the quagmire of incongruity.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“LMAO what a scam the draft industrial complex is. Who the fuck is John Metchie III? None of that shit mattered at all! Ignore everything and just watch the games from now on, no amount of analysis will ever compensate for the massive amount of randomness and luck involved with life. Not worth it. Go in blind on your fantasy draft, won’t matter. Unless you knew Puka Nacua would be one of the best WRs in the league, then by all means tell me your thoughts on the lottery numbers tomorrow.”

Stefon Diggs cost you a second-round pick, and then got hurt. Worse, he then immediately left for a worse team. Tank Dell is out for the year. Joe Mixon is out for a while. Nick Chubb is also hurt. Dameon Pierce cannot play. You’re relying on an offense to be generated by Nico Collins getting double teamed, the dying husk of journeyman Christian Kirk, a rookie, and the aforementioned John Metchie III who I still do not believe is a real person.

This team is so susceptible to getting their ass beat by better teams in the playoffs — especially since they load up on easy wins in a pathetic and weak AFC South. All of the people who say this team is a Super Bowl contender are liars, and if they had Pinocchio’s nose attached to them, it would be longer than the circumference of the earth.

Last Season: The Texans almost beat the Chiefs? How in the fuck did that happen? This team is currently floundering and they almost beat Patrick Mahomes? I’m so bamboozled — so flabbergasted by that notion. It’s a good thing they won’t come close to doing that again this year because the team is much, much worse. Regression to the mean is a bitch. Hold that L close to your chest, Texans fans.

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5

Owner: The McNair family, led by the late Robert McNair, gave Trump over a million dollars to his inaugural committee. Why these owners feel no shame in having this information be available is beyond me; why not create a shell company to just do this anonymously, or do it through a Super PAC ahead of time? Well, maybe that’s a moot point. You can just give the President a gold brick in exchange for favors in broad daylight and nobody can do a thing because the Democrats don’t know how to govern or win elections.

This country is being sold for parts — strip mined in real time. I could easily go over why I fucking hate the McNair family, member by member, but I would rather not be sued, thank you very much. I’m so irate that we’re being governed by a sentient Yelp review come to life to yell about trivial things that don’t matter. The laws being put on the books now are leading to the further decline of critical thinking and comprehension for the American youth, and millions are are losing their lives to preventable illnesses and a lack of affordable medical care.

Fuck all Republican voters forever. Fuck all Republican donors too. Heck, fuck anybody who wants to debate the merits of trickle down economics as if it wasn’t a scam the entire time. What total horseshit we have to live through.

GM: Anyways, let’s get back to football. The GM is Nick Caserio, and he does his job. He got his start on the dreaded Patriots, and managed to navigate his way through the Deshaun Watson saga on the better end — trading away a guy accused by over 30 women of assault for a draft haul. Now, nobody talks about him because he took Stroud, Anderson, Collins, and Dell. Great job, Nick. Now restock the team without everybody losing their ACLs on a yearly basis.

Coach: I have nothing but positive things to say about DeMeco Ryans. He seems like a great dude and a cool coach. He’s good at his job, and he’s a handsome man. Lucky cat, that Ryans. I really want to keep talking shit about Cal McNair, so can I continue to do that? There is something deeply evil about a society that creates the first trillionaire before it solves hunger or homelessness globally.

This is the danger of conservative groupthink and the GOP hive mind, who lavishly licks the boots of whatever a senile Trump blurts out loud. And now all governing bodies are cowering to vested corporate interests as the economy fizzles out — creating a national appetite for scapegoats over solutions. Those scapegoats will be either windmills, trans people, or immigrants from Central America.

But Ryans is a good coach though.

QB: C.J. Stroud used to have the best rookie season of anybody until Jayden Daniels one-upped him. And now he’s a fantasy pariah who everyone ranks lower on the QB hierarchy just because. He’s not, like, a lumbering oaf or anything, but his team is withering away around him. That leaves Texans fans feeling like dipshits for buying into the hype. The team just ran out of gas, too many guys got hurt, and your offensive line went from great to…

Line Play: DEAD LAST! Sucks to suck, Houston. Let’s all say the line together now: “Houston, we got a problem!” Oh, man, is this going to be your undoing. Laremy Tunsil is gone, Shaq Mason is gone — you cut both of them. I cannot tell you who is playing for you, but C.J. Stroud is not a safe man. Nobody can protect him from the whoopin’ he’s about to get all year round.

On the other hand, this defense is maybe the best in the league — up there with Denver and Philly. The front seven along is a top five unit, so maybe that will buoy the team to a wildcard seed?

2025 Draft: To replace all of the elderly/injured/cut playmakers on the team, here are your rookies you’ll have to really rely on this season: Woody Marks at RB, Jayden Higgins and Jaylin Noel at WR, another Jaylin as a CB, yet another Jaylen but this time at safety, and an OT in the second named Aireontae Ersery.

You are not serious people.

Red State: Oh, I’ll get my chance to eviscerate Texas later with the Cowboys, but two million more red votes than blue is a crime and a shame. This state will never flip for Dems, and now gerrymandering is going to make it so much worse. The power grid won’t be able to handle all of the servers running ChatGPT 5.0 being plugged in for the next few years, and that will lead to America’s intellectual funeral. If it didn’t happen already.

Dumbest Move: Trading DeAndre Hopkins to the Cardinals was horrible, but it’s hard to poke holes in this team’s decision making and draft record because it’s been extremely good. This state does overly use gym coaches for social studies teachers though, so there’s real cause for concern with this fanbase.

Read more here!

Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:

4 – Packers

5 — Ravens

6 — Broncos

7 — Chargers

8 – Bucs

9 – Commanders

Smarter Than the Jets, But That’s Not Saying Much:

10 — Bills

11 — Lions

12 — Bears

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao