The people of Minnesota are nice. They don’t try to throw players or peasants into a boiling vat. They simply root for their team, and leave disappointed come January or February. This is a team of all time with endings that come from a mile away in how obvious they are. It’s so inherent that this team would just never come up clutch when necessary that you can set your watch to it.
I’ve been to Minneapolis — the State Fair, the Mall of America, and around town; these are kindhearted people, and they love their team.
So, I feel bad because this documentary makes you actually genuinely empathetic towards the Vikings. A rare accomplishment for a pro sports team of strangers from a place you’ve never lived.
But unfortunately, you learn the truth: the Minnesota Vikings are a myth. A ruse. They barely exist. They’re so nothing despite the exceptional talent they collect year in and year out.
And to the detriment of everyone in the Twin Cities, this is all that they have: Teams who just do this for decades on end. An infinite portal to oblivion opened in Minneapolis, and it remains there for all the world to see. This year will be no different because you have a core that can win 14 games, but a rookie QB who will not win 14 games in this division. Good luck.
“If having Fran Tarkenton, a Hall of Fame defense, and Bud Grant doesn’t get you over the hump then literally nothing will. The same goes for that Randy Moss-Cris Carter-Randall Cunningham triumvirate. And whatever is coming down the pike for a team with T.J. Hockenson, Jordan Addison, Justin Jefferson, Aaron Jones, J.J. McCarthy, and lol Sam Darnold. It won’t be enough, and we all know it. I remember when Sam Darnold was the hot new USC QB, those were the days, right folks? Just like Mark Sanchez, and Caleb Williams, and Jaxson Dart, and JT Daniels, and Cody Kessler, and Matt Barkley, and on and on and on and on and on. Carson Palmer was good. That’s it.
I really wish there was more to write here because that would make me a much better writer. You all got screwed, plain and simple! Doesn’t help that you all fell into the classic trap of never having a great QB to lead the team, instead just relying on Kirk Cousins who is good but not great. Leslie Frazier and Mike Zimmer as coaches were good but not great. Sam Bradford and Case Keenum were good but not great. The trade for Joshua Dobbs was good but not great. That’s your entire legacy in a nutshell, but instead of HOFers from the ’60 to the ’00s it’s now just pretty okay guys.”
This is where I get to talk about Jordan Addison — the terrific young WR who fell asleep behind the wheel while on the highway, and was arrested for driving under the influence. He pleaded no contest over the summer, was suspended three games by the NFL, and — here is the kicker — only had to pay $390 in fines, and has only 12 months of probation. That would be cut in half if he completes two online courses.
You can read about all the details here, but just know that in the justice system, there are two groups: the rich and the poor, and you don’t get off a DUI while falling asleep in a Rolls-Royce on the I-105 blocking an exit to LAX unless you scored 20 touchdowns in your first two seasons for an NFL team. A lot of men play fantasy football, and let him off the hook for being a legit stud. Trust me when I tell you that is a non-zero percent reason he got off so light.
Last Season: The Vikings won 14 games last year, and no one, for one second, thought this team was as good as its record. Which you could say every year including that one Kirk Cousins year and that one Brett Favre year. Just fool’s gold 24/7/365. The final game of the season, we all smelled a big fat juicy loss because the stakes were too high to win the division. And then we all knew there would be another wet fart in the first round. Of course, they laid a goose egg. Nobody should ever believe in this team, and they will never get that Super Bowl win that they missed back in the ’60s.
Vegas Over/Under: 9.5
Owner: I usually know all of the NFL owners because most of them are scumbags, but I have never heard of Zygmunt “Zygi” Wilf, and cannot call him a dirtbag because I know nothing about this man. There’s mention on Wikipedia about a racketeering charge from over a decade ago, but I otherwise have nothing.
He just seems like another rich guy but at least he stays out of the headlines, his team is usually good, and I enjoyed reading about his parents escaping the Holocaust in Nazi-occupied Poland. That was a nice story.
GM: Kwesi Adofo-Mensah, a man responsible for taking Lewis Cine, Andrew Booth Jr., Ed Ingram, and Brian Asamoah over Jameson Williams, Christian Watson, Kyle Hamilton, and a host of other actual professional NFL players who turned out to be good.
Not the best judgement, but that was only one year. This team drafted Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison, sure, but Dallas Turner is a bust, and nobody knows if J.J. McCarthy can play yet. I cannot name another good player taken since. This is a rotating door of free agents and trades, and not many starters are replaced through the draft who are worth a damn.
Coach: Kevin O’Connell, who will be judged only by how well J.J. McCarthy plays and that’s it. He’s the QB whisperer, the offensive guru, and no amount of regular season wins will amount to a hill of beans until they start winning playoff games. Or if J.J. can prove he’s worth the top 10 draft pick, and there’s a real foundation built to win playoff games in 2026. Otherwise, he will be cast aside just like every other good coach this team has ever had for some other schmuck.
QB: Michigan Wolverines hero J.J. McCarthy. He has played zero NFL games in his life, and won’t until next month. I wish him all the best, but he does not seem ready to put this team on his shoulders and carry the burden of decades of heartache/heartbreak. Good luck, buddy — you’re gonna need it. This team is not going to run the ball 20 times in a row — they’re going to want you to sling it to the other J.J. every other play. Only a handful of QBs worth their salt can pull that off.
Line Play: PFF has your line ranked as the seventh best. That’s extremely good. Reminds me of McCarthy’s former team: the National Champion Michigan Wolverines. Go blue.
This line has Brian O’Neill and Christian Darrisaw, but there will be some new starters. Namely, Ryan Kelly, Will Fries, and rookie Donovan Jackson. These are the names of the men whose sole job is to protect McCarthy.
The Vikings also have the best front seven in the league with an intimidating core including Andrew Van Ginkel, Javon Hargrave, and Jonathan Allen. You’d think this team could compete with the Eagles in terms of talent on both sides of the ball, but they have a rookie signal caller and a 75 year hex, so they will not be doing that. Sorry, not sorry, I only spit facts and deep down every Vikings fan knows this all to be so very, very true.
2025 Draft: Other than starting guard Donovan Jackson, there are a number of fellows with intriguing names: Tai Felton, Tyrion Ingram-Dawkins, Kobe King, and Gavin Bartholomew. Great names, guys. But that’s it. This team didn’t have many draft picks in 2025, so it’ll be veterans handling the majority of snaps.
Red State: It was a close call, but thank goodness for Minnesota, the land of Tim Walz. So I won’t beat a dead horse insulting Midwesterners here — that’ll be for when I write about the Colts. Have you ever been to Gary, Indiana? Westeros post dragon fire looks better than that town.
A tangent: Listen, I know that there are millions who vote for Democrats in every red state, and there is a concerted effort to prevent marginalized groups from even approaching the ballot box: Gerrymandering, a crackdown on voting rolls and registrations, unlawful ID provisions, I get that.
This is not about them. This is about the millions who are brainwashed and incapable of not falling for the BS tactics of the GOP. The racists who cannot be reasoned with. The impossibly greedy who only want tax breaks and simply do not care about the social implications as long as they get what they want.
And to those people, I say: fuck you, wisen up, you’re being lied to and scammed, so change or shove it. Fight back. Vote against tyranny. There is still time to undo some of the damage, but don’t come crying to anybody about the downwards tailspin America is going through. It’ll only get worse.
Dumbest Move: Does being the Minnesota Vikings count? I already listed their awful 2022 draft, and the other drafts that didn’t amount to anything. Remember when they went from Case Keenum to Kirk Cousins to Sam Darnold and nothing changed? Pure dreck.
Read more here!
Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:
1 — Eagles
2 — Chiefs
3 — Rams
Mostly lucky, but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Packers
5 — Ravens
6 — Broncos
7 — Chargers
8 – Bucs
9 – Commanders
Smarter Than the Jets, But That’s Not Saying Much:
10 — Bills
11 — Lions
12 — Bears
13 — Texans
Image credit: Nathan Dumlao
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