You read that correctly. I’m ranking all 30 MLB mascots in order from least sexy to most fuckable. There is no criteria. There is no other thing to keep in mind. I just went with my heart and let the words flow through me, down to my fingertips.
Do note that there are some excluded mascots and pseudo-mascots. The Milwaukee Brewers have someone named Beer Barrel Man. I did not include him. The Arizona Diamondbacks officially introduced a guy in a luchador outfit as a secondary mascot. He is also not eligible.
The Toronto Blue Jays gave their mascot, Ace, a younger brother named Junior. Absolutely not. The Cincinnati Reds have like four mascots, which is ridiculous, so I chose to not include the worst of them named Gapper. And any team who holds races between US Presidents or sausages, those are also not making this list.
Please enjoy responsibly. Don’t take any of this seriously, and if you’re going to venture into the comments make them civil. Please. This is not the time to get super serious about such a silly and erotic exercise. Just because I took this task on with the weight of the world doesn’t mean anybody wants to read your furry slash fiction.
30. Blooper (Atlanta Braves) — What a monstrosity this thing is. Ugly doesn’t even begin to explain the look of whatever hideous creature Blooper is. Shame on you Braves! Keep this beast away from me and any children who attend baseball games. Blooper is a total creep. The people of Georgia, keep your kids safe at night, because Blooper is hanging out in the sewers waiting to eat the flesh of the young.
He doesn’t have a mouth, and things come out of his ears. The worst of the worst.
29. Slider (Cleveland Guardians) — Where to start…
Yeah, no. No thanks. Not interested. The tail, the dangling nose hair, the eyebrows, the color scheme not matching the team — it’s all just bad. Cannot tell what you are, don’t care to know or find out where your genitals are located. Next!
28. Southpaw (Chicago White Sox) — Way too much hair. Like a taller Fry Kid — the furry McDonald’s characters. If I have to brush aside your hair to find your holes, then I am already doing too much work for sex. For that reason alone, I’m out.
27. Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays) — Exact same reasoning goes for Raymond. I’m not sure what he is, but I know I don’t want any of that all up in my business.
26. Swinging Friar (San Diego Padres) — A balding man who is super into religion. Not a great start. He is a human, which is great, but the haircut and the outfit isn’t bringing anything to the table. Probably a virgin. Not looking for a “Fleabag” season two-type thing either. Hard pass.
25. Pirate Parrot (Pittsburgh Pirates) — He’s just a parrot without a name. From the clips I’ve seen, he’s not a great mascot, so he can’t make it any higher than this.
24. Mr. Redlegs (Cincinnati Reds) — If this fucking guy didn’t have the crazy eyes and death stare of a serial killer, then only his ridiculous mustache would rule him unworthy of sex appeal. What a nightmare he would be to sleep with, but maybe in the dark it wouldn’t be so bad. Like, you’d never do it again, but it is tempting.
23. Paws (Detroit Tigers) — I don’t like his face. The eyes are too far apart. He has stupid vibes. Worse, he just reminds me of a poor man’s Tony the Tiger. Now he is a sexy-ass mascot.
22. Oriole Bird (Baltimore Orioles) — What a nothing mascot. No name. No clothing. Barely any effort put into this one, but he’s average looking, and not impossible to figure out how to have sex with, so he ranks in the bottom ten. Now we’re getting to the more interesting choices if you NEEDED to fuck an MLB mascot.
21. Stinger (Tampa Bay Rays) — The only actual sting ray to be a mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Stinger is a little too — how do I say this — on the younger side. It’s not worth the risk, but not ugly. Stinger is just not that appealing. It’s the flappy arms — just looks like sagging skin.
20. Bernie (Milwaukee Brewers) — Bernie is just a guy with stupid facial hair. He has nice green eyes, but otherwise this is any man in his 40s at a dive bar. You can throw a rock in Williamsburg and hit a better candidate.
19. Sluggerrr (Kansas City Royals) — Sluggerrr would be a top-five sexiest mascot easily if it wasn’t for one thing. He has muscles, a hot mane, great eyes, a winning smile, but his head is also a crown, and I don’t know if that’s a birth defect or his hair. It’s weird. Not creepy, but also not like Bart Simpson where you understand it’s hair and not his head. Maybe if you give him a hat or a paper bag over his head, the sex would be better because you aren’t thinking about it the whole time. Can I touch it? Does it hurt?
18. Orbit (Houston Astros) — This is a curious case because, on the one hand, I would rule out Orbit for many reasons. He seems like a child stuck in arrested development — perpetually young. And he’s also quite hairy. But on the other, he’s got a big smile and nice, kind eyes. Not the worst choice, but we’re definitely not at the point where the sex is guilt-free.
17. Clark (Chicago Cubs) — Same exact case with Clark as Orbit. Young, vibrant, hairy but cute. Not sure it’s legal to sleep with Clark, but he’s upbeat and silly, so that’s a plus. I would still feel guilty though. He’s just too nice. You don’t want to deal with that — get somebody who is already randy.
16. Wally and Tessie (Boston Red Sox) — Now we are in the territory of “guilt-free sex imminent.” These two are super freaks — no doubt about it. They don’t have huge mouths for nothing, folks. Having a threesome with Wally and Tessie would be smelly, wrong, disgusting, gross, and leave a lot of stains. But it would be a wild time.
15. Fredbird (St. Louis Cardinals) — I don’t know how to explain it, but this is the average. The most okay-to-fine mascot to fuck. There are no upsides but no downsides to Fredbird. He’s just a bird.
14. Rangers Captain (Texas Rangers) — Why the long face, Captain? All jokes aside, I’m sure anyone would have a great time dating Captain. He’s a little too immature for his age, and he’s not the looker he once was, but according to the MLB he has three cars and knows how to drive, so at least he would be responsible, game for purchasing condoms, and then agreeing to a safe word. What a good sport he is.
13. Baxter the Bobcat (Arizona Diamondbacks) — Baxter is known to be the highest-energy mascot on the list, which is good because tantric sex requires stamina. But he gives off “ex-boyfriend you used to date for years and you both had a lot of fun, but it just didn’t work out” written all over him. Great photos, great times, but he just wasn’t the one. And then he marries the next person he dates, and you aren’t mad, but happy for him. Hope they enjoy bungee jumping, paddle boarding, or whatever he’s into now.
12. T.C. Bear (Minnesota Twins) — T.C. Bear, well, bears it all. He’s not shy. Maybe a little too quick to strip and show off his gut, but if you like buns he’s got ’em hot and ready. Now you might be thinking that T.C. is just any ol’ generic looking bear mascot, but he hangs dong, and has energy to spare. Definitely a good, high-tier mascot to fuck, but not the greatest lay of your life.
11. Mariner Moose (Seattle Mariners) — Mariner Moose is the ugliest hot guy you’ve ever seen. Like, it works. You ever see someone with a big nose, or a crooked smile, or something wrong with their ears or forehead or eyebrows… but they’re still kind of hot? That’s Mariner Moose. He’s wild in the sack, but you don’t marry a man for their body because that just leads to problems down the line.
10. Ace (Toronto Blue Jays) — I think Ace tries too hard, and that might come off as goofy, juvenile, or cringe-inducing. But as this video shows, he’s got the moves, the swagger, and the body to rock you for an evening. He’s kind of cute — maybe you’re a drink or three in at the bar and think “how bad can he be?” Definitely a worthy mascot for the top ten, because you don’t look at Ace and immediately think about his looks, like you do with everybody ranked above him. He’s a well designed bird. Not the best, but up there for sure.
9. Stomper (Sacramento/Las Vegas/Oakland A’s) — Stomper the Elephant seems like a responsible adult, a loving husband who’s been in a committed marriage for decades, and is on the back nine of his life. But that doesn’t mean he can’t treat you right, make love to you the right way, and not betray your feelings. The nose still plays, but there are much hotter mascots ranked above him. But his floor, the stability and consistency, proves he’s a caring lover. Major step-daddy vibes, you know?
8. Lou Seal (San Francisco Giants) — Lou is past his prime physically. He’s got a dad bod, which some people are into. But what he lacks in sex appeal (at least initially), he more than makes up with personality, friendliness, humor, and probably a big libido. Lou’s had some wild times, man. The ’60s were wild, and he still knows a thing or two. Three World Series rings in the 21st century — you better believe he’s been in some orgies celebrating. Just don’t call him Lucille, because that’s not his name, god damn it.
7. Screech (Washington Nationals) — A lot of these mascots are poorly designed. They’re too old-fashioned, lack visual interest, or any number of problems. And the select few at the top of this list are the most sensible, straightforward looking, or have tremendous sexy energy. Screech the Eagle is the former, not the latter, but he’s got some guns. He’s built. He also reminds me of the neighbor who could, at any point, have an affair with my wife. And I resent him and his long hair for that, but we would get along if he didn’t threaten my relationship. But if you wanted to have sex with Screech, go for it. More power to you. No kink shaming here.
6. Dinger (Colorado Rockies) — Hatching from an egg in 1994, Dinger is a triceratops entering his 30s. That means he’s both experienced and yet still limber enough to do all the crazy positions without complaining about his back or his knees. Some might argue he’s too kid-like in spirit, but I sense more outdated early ’90s “attitude” and “hipness” when the Colorado Rockies PR/Marketing team designed him.
Listen, he has a shirt and no pants, shows his belly, and is down to clown. Plus, he’s rather colorful with his cute dots on the wide frills of his skull. Or whatever the thing around his head is, I don’t know dinosaur anatomy that well.
5. Rosie Red and Mr. Red (Cincinnati Reds) — These two are a second-rate Mr. and Mrs. Met. I don’t care when they were invented, but they got outclassed in 1962, and are mostly irrelevant as mascots in the popular culture. But, I do have to rank them in the top five, because they’re humanoid, already a couple, and have had sex at least once. I sense their marriage is a troubled one, filled with lapses, infidelity, and a lost lust.
But if you had to fuck a mascot, you could do a lot worse than these two. I think Rosie Red does most of the heavy lifting here, as she puts on make-up, works the skirt, and did her hair nicely. I don’t know what the hell Mr. Red is up to, but he’s dangerously close to fumbling the bag with this ’50s cheerleader rocking the heavy eyeliner.
4. Billy the Marlin (Miami Marlins) — Hear me out: I would suck on his long nose. And I don’t care who knows it. I’ve met Billy the Marlin, and he remains one of the most underrated mascots in all of sports. Billy has charisma, and he would dick you down if you asked him to. Politely, of course. Consent is the sexiest and most important thing here, folks.
3. DJ Kitty (Tampa Bay Rays) — DJ Kitty is the mistake you made in college. You figured “Eh, I’ll do a one night stand with a himbo, I need it.” You have fun, but man, the next morning you find out he’s a DJ. Like, that’s what he does for a living, and you are in his apartment. Oh, the embarrassing walk of shame out of his place — and he’s edgy too?
Nobody needs that attitude, man. Just show me your butthole like every other cat, and then leave me alone. What dead eyes. What bad masculine, almost toxic, energy. But you needed the lay — you had to have the action. And he gave it to you. You don’t regret spending the night with DJ Kitty, but you also won’t forget it. That part of your life is well past you, but when you see a guy with a backwards hat, you’ll think “What ever happened to DJ Kitty?”
2. The Philly Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies) — I don’t know what the Philly Phanatic is. I don’t know what the thing on his face is. Is it a nose? Or a mouth? But I do know you can stick your erect penis into it, and that he is romantic, and interested in knocking boots with hot women. Props to him and his public pelvic thrusting. Without pants, no less!
The Phanatic has rizz, big dick energy, and machismo to spare. He’s suave, randy, horny, and ready to do dirty things at the drop of a hat. This is an easy number two, as he’s not a child, in the mood 24/7, and clearly fun in bed.
1. Mr. Met and Mrs. Met (New York Mets) — Oh these two fuck. They’re humanoid, hot, already married, and if they invite you to a threesome, at least you know how to have sex with these two — unlike MOST of the mascots ranked on this list.
Far and away the easiest choice to make; it’s no contest in my mind. There is a large gap between #1 and #2, and these two put every other baseball mascot to shame. They’re sexy, stylish, energetic, fun, and having met both (pun intended), I can say all of this with confidence. If I were to rank all sports combined, these two would come out on top. Pun intended again.
They kiss! He checks out her ass! Her hips don’t lie, and I know Mr. Met is packing!
Image Credit: Terry Foote, CC BY-SA 4.0
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