The geniuses on Park Avenue continue to soil the sport of football with their antics yet again. This time, it’s by introducing even more alternate jerseys that are as unnecessary as they are awful. Who buys this shit?
On top of those “rivalry” examples, there are some other new helmets and wack threads that I have to talk about. I am compelled to complain about fashion because when I tune into these horrible games, my eyes have to witness bad design for hours upon hours. And that makes me mad enough to rank the new shit being hawked to us by the goons led by commissioner Roger Goodell.
#15 — Green Bay Packers
If you’re going to invoke leather helmets from the ’20s, just wear real leather helmets. These are hideous. Pointless. What people wore literally 100 years ago does not need to be preserved if they’re butt ugly. The Packers colors went to green and yellow, and should never go back. I cannot tell you how much this is an eyesore. Total nonsense.
#14 — New England Patriots
Again, these are not really the colors of the team. It’s this ashy cobalt blue. It’s too metallic-looking, and way too glossy. Plus, the NE on their shoulders is stupid, the team sucks, I hate them, and I hope their plane never makes it off the runway before they play the Jets in Week 11 so that I never have to see these worn.
#13 — Arizona Cardinals
Did somebody spray fart on these jerseys? Why did they come pre-stained? I’m not buying that they’re a part of the “desert storm” aesthetic because that brings up either global warming coming to destroy Phoenix or the Gulf War from 1991. Neither are good, so spare me with this hokey dogshit. Even the helmet, the best part, has been tampered with! Pure mulch.
#12 — Pittsburgh Steelers
Woof, throw these back into the dumpster where you found them, am I right, folks? Mustard everything isn’t necessarily a good look to begin with, but the lack of black (except the dumb stripes) really makes this not work. They even fucked with the helmet, an iconic part of the Steelers kit. These are more like soccer uniforms than NFL jerseys, and their pants are akin to khakis. Boo this team when they play in these, Pittsburgh.
#11 — Buffalo Bills
Fuck the Bills and their new eggshell white drip. I mean, fuck them normally too, but in this particular case, you can call Buffalo “Cum Town” because this entire look screams “I wish being a milkman could still be a profession!” The silver logo doesn’t help either — it just reminds the players that they’re always coming in second in the AFC to the Chiefs, a far superior team. Who are you with your snowflake pants? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.
#10 — New York Jets
I’m a Jets fan, but I don’t love these. The helmet has got to go, and the shoulders also need to go. But the dark green is fine. The rest is whatever, but it’s not THE worst one yet. Just regular bad. Not “make a noose” bad.
#9 — Seattle Seahawks
I also don’t like these either, but we’re getting somewhere. The colors and font are similar enough to their regular jerseys. It’s not blindingly horrific — just a stupid idea executed poorly. But I’m not staying up for West Coast times to watch this game anyways — I have better things to do with my life. Like write articles about sports fashion.
#8 — New Orleans Saints
The Saints helmet was perfect. Why would they mess with it? I don’t know, nor can I understand or explain the decision. But this is… fine? It’s fine. I think. I don’t care enough to be upset, but just stick with the golden helmets they had before!
#7 — Miami Dolphins
I think going with a black uniform instead of a white one masks most of the weird new stuff. Like, you can mess with whatever if the jersey is so dark you can’t really tell what’s going on. So this is an inoffensive new design because A) the Dolphins already had perfect uniforms in the ’70s, B) they changed it, and C) nobody cares about this irrelevant franchise. They don’t have any fans. No one shows up to Dolphins games.
#6 — Tennessee Titans
Isn’t this the exact same as their normal uniforms? How is this any different? These are so whatever and forgettable, but since I didn’t notice the difference they barely miss the top five. The Titans need a whole redesign — what a loser franchise.
#5 — San Francisco 49ers
Not horrible! The font is cool, the black is cool, and they still have the traditional colors. I’m a fan; I like what they did here with these.
#4 — Washington Commanders
So these are the old unis from when the team was great, but without all of the racist iconography. So the helmets are new, and maybe a little too shiny, but the rest is slick. Obviously, I wouldn’t have chosen those colors to begin with but I like the red/white/yellow combo.
#3 — LA Rams
Maybe I just have a thing for black jerseys, but these are almost the same as their normal ones. But with more black! The helmets remain cool, I love the swirly yellow ram horn, and the blue shoulders are a nice touch. These are good! They should consider keeping these around.
#2 — LA Chargers
I can do without the all yellow, but otherwise these are perfection. No notes.
#1 — Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Any throwback jerseys that are actually good, well designed, thought out, and colorful gets my vote. The creamsicle! The old school logo! These are the winners.
Image credit: the blowup
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