The “Mass Effect” trilogy ranks exceedingly high on my all-timers list, and that’s largely thanks to the interpersonal relationships you build over the course of years. Shepard has countless ride-or-die besties that make the games worth playing, but we’d all be kidding ourselves if we ignored the allure of the romance paths.

Infamously, you can romance a lizard man, a bird man, an immunocompromised baddie, a blue space babe who controls the flow of information across the galaxy, and the most boring man to ever live. That’s a lot of variety, sure, but why stop there?

With so many other characters floating around unkissed, I can’t help but imagine what could have been. Maybe this is my moment to get weirdly into modding Unreal Engine 3 games.

At the very least, let’s talk about my top five missed romances.

5. Urdnot Wrex

Wrex is completely obsessed with the idea of solving the fertility issue inflicted on his species by genocidal madmen. That’s a fairly reasonable thing to get hung up on, but has he even tried putting a baby in Shepard? If AO3 has anything to say about it, yes, he has, but there’s no capacity to romance this gruff so-and-so in the game.

Even if Shepard’s reproductive system is not the solution to solve the genophage, the least that BioWare could do is give us some Iron Bull-like scenes that play on just how huge Wrex is compared to a human. Let us get freaky with Krogans!

4. EDI And Joker (Threesome)

Assuming you’re not a monster, Shepard spends a good deal of time helping this odd duo find love on a battlefield. They get to ride out the end of the world together, and I think that’s very sweet.

Please do not think too hard about the implications of any of the endings on this relationship though.

What I want to know is why EDI and Joker don’t invite a certain ripped space marine to join them in bed. Shepard basically does double duty as Cyrano de Bergerac while teaching these two chumps how to have a reasonable relationship. Why not cut out the middle man by BRINGING IN the middle man, right? RIGHT?!

3. Mysterious Figure

The “Citadel” DLC is excellent for a plethora of reasons, but I’d like to focus in here on a specific sci-fi trope: The evil twin. You end up having to go toe-to-toe with a clone of your very own Shepard, and there’s no reason why that shouldn’t transition directly into smooching.

If you’re gonna lean into pulpy genre moments, lean all the way in. Let the two Shepards have a punching contest for a few minutes before realizing what’s best for everyone: Shepard-on-Shepard action.

2. Karin Chakwas

Dr. Chakwas is a real one. Wherever Shepard goes, she’s ready to follow no matter what. She’s reliable, she has great taste in space booze, and there’s something to be said for experience.

It’s the future now, and our primitive 21st century ideas about age and sexuality shouldn’t hamper this obvious May-December romance. Let the good doctor do some exploratory research, Shep.

1. Aria T’Loak

Dommy Mommy? Check. Voiced by Carrie-Anne Moss? Check. What more do you need? Shepard should be allowed to go to the bone zone with Aria, and it is a crying shame that the “Omega” DLC doesn’t contain a full-fledged dating sim with everyone’s favorite crime mommy.

Aria is going to do freaky shit to Shepard. You know this to be true. What I am asking is that we take that from subtext to text.

---

Image credit: “Mass Effect Legendary Edition,” BioWare