I am back for more mascots to be horny over. You may remember reading my ranking of MLB mascots. That had much more of a sexy platter to choose your delights from.
The NBA has no such wealth of choices. The decline falls off harsh, and there’s only a handful of mascots who I would get it up for.
The criteria? There is none.
Please enjoy responsibly. Don’t take any of this seriously, and if you’re going to venture into the comments, make them civil. Please. This is not the time to get super serious about such a silly and erotic exercise. Just because I took this task on with the weight of the world doesn’t mean anybody wants to read your furry slash fiction.
The only real rule is that I am only talking about one mascot per team. None of this multi-mascot nonsense the Tampa Bay Rays were up to. And I got all of my options from the official list here. Without further ado, let’s get horned up!
26. Squatch (Seattle Supersonics) — This team is no more. This mascot is no more. Until they bring the team back, Squatch will be ranked dead last, annd not only because he isn’t around and working anymore. It’s because this stinky motherfucker is way too hairy! Nobody wants to deal with that. Shave, show hole, or stay hidden in the woods of the Pacific Northwest forever. Yuck. Chewbacca-ass looking knockoff. Gross.
25. Pierre the Pelican (New Orleans Pelicans) — What is more nightmare-inducing? This ugly thing, or this other terrifying thing?
Neither. The answer is the King Cake Baby. I present you the most horrifying mascot design to ever grace an NBA court:
Thank goodness the King Cake Baby does not count, and is ineligible. But Pierre sucks too, and I would not like to have sex with any of the mascots from New Orleans. Sorry, not sorry!
24. The Gorilla (Phoenix Suns) — 90 percent of the time, sports mascots are men in suits, but you simply forget that fact. No part of the character or the performance shows off the visible human being underneath the outfit. But the 10 percent of the time where you DO notice? It’s real bad.
Enter the Phoenix Suns’ Gorilla. I’ll give The Gorilla a lot of credit: he’s a hard working, long time fan favorite. The Gorilla put in the time and the work, and this energetic ape can dunk, dance, or anything else that’s asked of him.
Would I have sex with The Gorilla? No. Never. I can see the face paint make-up around the guy’s eyes, not happening.
23. Lucky the Leprechaun (Boston Celtics) — Take what I said above and just remove any pretense of an outfit or costume. This is just a short white man wearing some iconic yet stereotypical Irish attire. I’m out! You can if you want, I’m sure that man has a partner who loves him, but it won’t be me!
22. G-Wiz (Washington Wizards) — The following video attempts to ask the most important question one could ponder when reading this article. What exactly is this fucking thing? A Teletubbie or a Smurf? A blue wizard of some sort? I don’t get it.
Is that better or worse than the muscle suit guy who they used to have? The Washington Wizards have been a bottom tier, basement dwelling, irrelevant, and limp-dicked franchise since the ’80s.
21. Rumble the Bison (Oklahoma City Thunder) — There’s no fooling me — this is just the Sasquatch from Seattle with horns! It makes sense this would be a reused mascot, the Supersonics moved to Oklahoma City, and became the Thunder.
Too hairy for me. Seems like a nice guy, but no thanks.
20. Jazz Bear (Utah Jazz) — Again, are they just recycling this one fur covered costume between the west coast teams? Why are they all just worse versions of Wookiees? The Jazz should be the name of the team that plays in New Orleans again! White people have gone too far. And now they have a new hockey team named the Mammoth. Enough with the brown hair — it’s ridiculous.
19. Boomer (Indiana Pacers) — I hate the Pacers. Fuck Boomer, and not in the good way. No one wants to see this blue and yellow monstrosity.
18. Hugo the Hornet (Charlotte Hornets) — I am so conflicted about Hugo. Because for being a disgusting nasty bug, he’s a good mascot! But I have to draw the line at insects because I’m allergic to them, and they creep me out. The hair on the thorax, the noise, the wings… No thanks.
17. Slamson the Lion (Sacramento Kings) — This is not a great mascot. The Kings should do better, because this is a rancid version of a lion. THIS is a lion mascot! Slamson just looks too weird. Do better, Sacramento.
16. Chuck the Condor (LA Clippers) — Boy, this list is real hard. I don’t want to have sex with any of these mascots. Most of them are bad, and the ones with good design (like Chuck here) aren’t making me horny. He’s not doing it for me. Why are the Clippers, named after an old shipping boat, using a giant bird as their mascot?
15. Harry the Hawk (Atlanta Hawks) — I’ll just say it right up front: Harry the Hawk is mid. Just an average, mediocre bird. As is the Atlanta Hawks, who are disposable, and are the NBA equivalent to fodder that the Ninja Turtles beat up. If Harry the Hawk is a member of the Foot Clan, I would not be shocked.
14. The Raptor (Toronto Raptors) — This is just a bare bones, boring-ass Raptor. No effort was put into this mascot, but that doesn’t stop me from ranking it high because I’ve seen the clips of the Raptor performing. And he has the energy I’m looking for. Not a looker, not a shower, but a grower. Needs a better name, but man can The Raptor make you laugh and maybe, if you’re lucky, make you feel good too.
13. Champ the Horse (Dallas Mavericks) — Most of the mascots above were not trying at all. The Dallas Mavericks went the opposite direction, and tried TOO hard with Champ here. He’s almost too much — too extreme. The bold color, the hair, the massive face. He needs to tone it down like 20 percent, and then you would have a better mascot that doesn’t scare children so often.
But for a weekend? Sure, why not. See what he’s got in store for me. But I’m not booty calling him, that seems like a hassle.
12. Moondog (Cleveland Cavaliers) — This dog is an underrated mascot! A cute, dare I say it, adorable pup. I don’t ever remember seeing Moondog in action before, so I can’t say whether or not Moondog IS a good NBA mascot. But I could easily see some freaks who are into role playing as dogs themselves being super into Moondog. Obedience or submissive kinks are not for me, but if they’re for you, more power to you.
But the Cavs are a terrible franchise, and they do not deserve anything good to happen to them.
And for anyone wondering no I am not going to talk about the muscle daddy himself Sir CC because he is just too sexually powerful for me to handle.
11. Crunch the Wolf (Minnesota Timberwolves) — Hey, finally an okay mascot! He’s fine, Crunch is good but not amazing. I would definitely find Crunch attractive enough after a few shots at the bar, and he almost made the top ten because of it. But at the end of the day, this is just a vanilla wolf costume when the lights are turned on. When they’re off, however, anything goes. And I mean A N Y T H I N G with Crunch.
10. Blaze the Trail Cat (Portland Trail Blazers) — You can tell there was an influence Gritty had when he debuted for the Philadelphia Flyers. Every team wanted the PR boost that came with introducing a big hairy weirdo. So in the case of Douglas Fur the Bigfoot mascot, the Trail Blazers brought in…
NO.
NO DOUGLAS FUR.
Instead, I will only be talking about Blaze the Trail Cat, whose name could really be applied to any animal. Blaze the Trail Axolotl. Blaze the Trail Salamander. Blaze the Trail Hippo. But he’s a cool looking cat, so he makes the top ten. Because the drop off in quality stops here — there is no more falling. This top ten only has real fuckable mascots, thank goodness. Because the NBA has some real stinkers. Way too many.
9. Bango the Buck (Milwaukee Bucks) — This buck fucks. Tall, handsome, and he has some big ol’ antlers. And you know what that means…
8. Franklin the Dog (Philadelphia 76ers) — What a good boy Franklin is. What a big smile he has plastered on 24/7. What does 1776 and our founding fathers have to do with blue dogs? Maybe it’s a reference to how Benjamin Franklin was quite the horn dog for the ladies. But in any case, Franklin the mascot seems chipper, eager to please, and like that young stud who picks you up from the club and then calls you the morning after. What a surprise that is! A gentlemen who can still ravage you for the evening.
7. Burnie (Miami Heat) — You know everybody went nuts over Gritty, and he already existed. His name was Burnie, and he’s been the Miami Heat’s mascot for years now. I don’t know what he is. Is he an anthropomorphized flame? Like an ember from a fire, ala Pixar’s “Elemental?” In any case, his nose is a green basketball or something, and all I know is that Burnie is hot, loves Cuban food, and has a burning passion and smoldering intensity that can only be extinguished by certain human bodily fluids. Do with that what you will.
6. Clutch the Bear (Houston Rockets) — Is Clutch a little thick around the edges? Yeah. Is he rocking a dad bod, seemingly after a lifetime of performing for crowds? Of course. But is he still a power bottom who can also top when needed? You bet your sweet bippy he can. Clutch has shades of an older daddy — a real fierce sexual warrior who has gone grey, but still hasn’t lost the lust in his eyes. And it helps he’s still a looker; I would call him a silver fox, but he isn’t a fox. He’s a fucking BEAR. Every definition of the word, too.
5. Hooper the Horse (Detroit Pistons) — I had legit not heard of this mascot ever before doing this article. The research led me to a character I have never seen with my own eyes, but considering how cool his hair is…
Why the fuck are the Pistons not showcasing him around more? Fucking Gritty got more of a welcoming party, and he’s not even an animal! He’s a furry ball of orange hair with googly eyes! Where is Hooper’s red carpet rollout? Can you imagine how big his horse cock must be? And did I mention that hair? It’s outstanding! Makes me want to grab it real tight.
4. Stuff the Magic Dragon (Orlando Magic) — Why is he named Stuff? What is he stuffing, exactly. The basketball? Or do you stuff him, figuratively I mean? He’s a very cool lookin’ dragon. I love the things that pop out of his nostrils, and the antennas with stars. But the Magic and its lack of magic on the court managed to produce quite the underrated mascot. Plus, he’s got a tail. In both senses. (I move my eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx while holding a cigar)
3. Coyote (San Antonio Spurs) — It’s not a great name. He is just a coyote after all. But no real name, no allusion to the team, nor the sport. Hell, he’s not even the most famous fictional character named ‘Coyote’ because that’s the one who chases the roadrunner!
But if you know about the Spurs, then you KNOW about the San Antonio Coyote. He catches bats. He wears rompers. He acts sexy. He puts on different outfits and costumes ON TOP of the coyote. He acts like the cartoon character he was always meant to be.
And I bet you he’s a real freak in the bedroom. All sorts of weird role play ideas. I know he’s nasty; just has to be.
2. Rocky the Mountain Lion (Denver Nuggets) — You might not know his name. You might not know inherently, off the bat, that he’s a mountain lion. And you might not know the team he represents. But Rocky rocks it. He is all energy, all entertainment, and a one man show. Although he looks like a panther or something, I like his zigzag tail and the effort he puts into his stunts. Plus, he’s not bad on the eyes. Clean lookin’ cat. I wouldn’t mind lifting up his tail…
1. Benny the Bull (Chicago Bulls) — This guy has it. And it, in this day and age, is what is known as rizz. The kids love charisma aka rizz, and Benny is 90 percent rizz and 10 percent a man in a bull outfit. But he’s been the NBA’s best and most well known mascot for decades, and if you were going to sleep with one of these, it should be Benny. Plus, he seems like a monster in the sack.
A real bull, if you know what I mean. Grab him by the horns and HOLD ON for dear life.
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