There’s not a single thing written about “Pokémon Legends: Z-A” that can’t be summed up by the following clip:

And there’s not a god damn thing any of us can do about it because “Pokémon” games sell too well and have too much fan devotion for Game Freak to change anything about its development or production.

To say that this monster-hunting franchise is popular is akin to suggesting humans like breathing air. Of course they do. It’s cat nip to children, nerds, and anyone with eyeballs and a heart connected to it.

So to suggest that the people behind the unimpressive games are going to give up the biggest ROI in the history of capitalism is nonsense. Some leaks have suggested that they’re currently spending about $20 million a game. It’s safe to assume that corners are cut, performance isn’t prioritized, and they just treat every installment like they’re still making games for handhelds. Regardless, each one sells like hot cakes.

So yes, this is a reaction to me recently playing “Pokemon Legends Z-A” and mostly enjoying myself. Not loving it, but liking it. I can definitely tell that this trick is wearing thin. Collecting the same group of 200-odd pocket monsters, using the same items, and looking at the same dated aesthetic is dulling my sparkle.

The central conceit, the core of the gameplay is still fun, but that’s almost inherent at this point. It’s the dressing around the edges that remain lacking. Incredibly lacking. Just so, so lacking that it’s pathetic.

This new game runs well on Switch 2, and it isn’t ugly per se, but Jesus Fucking Christ are some of my complaints beyond redundant at this point. Frankly, the game could have been based on GameCube models. It’s like they’ve been using a 20-year-old tech stack. No details, no flair — just basic buildings, characters, trees, and grass.

The baby-esque hand holding, the invisible walls, the restrictive mission design, and the nothing story all just beg to be updated. It needs a fresh, new take, and not even the change to a real-time battle system (which is neat) can shake up such an outdated structure.

This entire franchise should be industry-leading in every sense by now. Game Freak and Nintendo could hire hundreds of more people, pump out more games, and really set a bar for any aspect of game dev, but they choose not to because it is financially in their interest to do the bare minimum, and it’s quite sickening at this point.

Playing this new “Legends” game, a spin-off that requires more dexterity and quick thinking, is treated as if it’s a child’s first time in front of a controller. Can we not do this anymore? The people buying these games are not in it to play “Pokémon Go” or “Wii Sports.” These are mostly adults, and possibly ironic teenagers, who are purchasing an RPG — not a half-way paying attention to F2P slop.

Detach the training wheels already.

Thankfully, there are a handful of good quality-of-life improvements. You now automatically pick up items, only have to tap once to run, can manually choose to evolve from a drop down menu, and the changing moves has been simplified even when picking from eligible TMs.

But being stuck in one city sucks. Being forced to battle in tiny zones sucks. The real-time stuff? It’s barely any different — just faster. Positioning and dodging are afterthoughts. It grinds my gears that this would have been better off with the strong/quick stuff introduced in “Arceus.”

You can tell that the DLCs for “Scarlet and Violet” were a massive influence on this title, as is “Disco Elysium” being an inch wide and a mile deep.

Overall, this is a fine game, but it’s lacking what made “Arceus” so special. That game had open worlds, fun traversal, and a quite different take on the setting.

“Z-A” could have been great if Game Freak honestly tried, but it doesn’t feel like they did. At times, it just seems like they changed the colors on a creaky old roller coaster. This ride needs a lot more than a fresh coat of paint.

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Image Credit: “Pokemon Legends Z-A,” Nintendo and Game Freak