I had to spend a good amount of my adolescence being trapped, against my will, in South Florida. My parents moved there and instantly I knew I would hate being cooked to death in the swampy, muggy heat. Surrounded by coastline and bugs, the only real experiences I grew to like were trips to theme parks. And I went to them all.

The Disney parks, Busch Gardens, Universal Studios, Islands of Adventures, and so on. Multiple times, in fact. Many hours of my life were spent in lines, on rides, in stores, and walking about these “happiest” places until my feet ached. So I know my way around a theme park, and let me tell you something, folks: The worst of them all was by far Universal’s brand new addition to the Orlando menagerie: Epic Universe.

It’s a park that is simultaneously spacious and sparse. It’s crowded yet no one is there. There are things to do, but not enough of them, and half the time it didn’t feel like you did anything. All of the attention to detail was done in places nobody should ever care to look. The set dressing is somehow invisible, yet in your face. It was heralded as the second coming, the next best thing, and was very hyped. Over hyped, perhaps, but after spending an entire day there it somehow under delivered. It’s an under cooked theme park that was under… thought. Okay that turn of phrase did not work out, but then again ,neither did Epic Universe!

The central conceit of the park is very much like Islands of Adventure. There are five themed zones that surround a big circle in the middle. A classic spoke and wheel design, it’s meant to funnel you around to go from zone to zone, like how in Magic Kingdom everything revolves around Cinderella’s castle. With Islands of Adventure, Universal partnered with Marvel Comics (pre-Disney sale), Dr. Seuss, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, and newspaper cartoons. Those five “islands” were elaborately themed, had tons of rides, and felt quite massive — like you were actually in the places it was selling. The immersion could be pulled off, and you can have a terrific time there if you buy into it. Or you can just do the thrill rides and be satisfied.

The plan for Universal’s new park was to do this again, but with four new IPs and one area yet to be sold off. The Super Mario section is identical to the one in California, the new Harry Potter area is based on the lackluster “Fantastic Beasts” films, there’s one land that’s all “How to Train Your Dragon” and the last one is dedicated to the monsters Universal owns (Frankenstein, Mummy, Dracula, etc.).

You enter through a portal of sorts to each of the main sections (seen above, and each is unique in its art, like how the way to the Mushroom Kingdom is into a green warp pipe). The intro to the park especially is very elaborate in its design, ushering you into a ‘whole new world’ as if you’re in a space ship taking off.

And some of the visual language seen in these four main areas is very cool. But each of the sections seems cramped like there wasn’t enough room to fit everything. That leads to being packed like sardines with hundreds of people funneling around tight corners being forced to stare up directly at things to appreciate what the engineers installed high up.

Don’t get me wrong, there ARE some good rides in this park. Donkey Kong’s Mine Cart Madness is a great thrill ride that simulates making those jumps off rails from the “Donkey Kong Country” series. The Wing Glider roller coaster with Toothless and Hiccup is also a must, but the standout by far is the Monsters Unchained ride. It mixes movement, motion, screens, animatronics, and fun surprises into a memorable time.

But there are some real clunkers too, like the Yoshi Adventure kiddie ride for babies (a snoozefest), the incredibly short and pointless Fyre Drill water ride, and a carousel. There are only 11 total attractions at Epic Universe, and apart from the big name ones, it feels like a more slight Six Flags but with bigger budget branding.

By far, the worst part of Epic Universe is just how long the lines are. The queues build up real quickly as everybody going in seemingly knows which are worth the wait, and subsequently stand in line at the crack of dawn. I was not willing to wait four hours to go on the Battle at the Ministry, which by all accounts (and a POV YouTube video I saw) is laden with jerky movements and subpar video screens of the original actors. I’m sure they’ll get replaced soon thanks to the new HBO series casting young wizards and witches. However, the rides are NOT worth standing in line for two to four hours for, and that makes for a poor experience spending half your day waiting around for just okay rides like Curse of the Werewolf or Stardust Racers.

The food is all ordered through the app on your phone, and there’s no way to just look at a menu and tell an employee what you want, or a way to hand over money to purchase a meal. It’s maybe my old man coming out, but having to do everything through an app just seems so bizarre to me, as if the millions of tourists from around the world are going to just inherently know that’s the new protocol.

That DK-themed dessert drink was mostly pineapple, and not banana flavored, which was a bummer too.

If you haven’t gone to one of the Universal parks that has the new Mario World, it’s very cool at first, but quickly gives way to its limitations. You can tell legendary creator and artist Shigeru Miyamoto had a heavy say in how that area operates, because it’s the most Nintendo ass thing imaginable. Everything is gamified (mostly for kids), the Mario Kart ride tries to explain itself without saying anything out loud (it’s all cartoon miming how to put on the special glasses and shoot shells to collect coins), and there’s a low-key arrogance about entire vibe that was more corporately mandated than I would have liked.

The Easter eggs are wonderful and all, but compared to a Disney park, there’s a night-and-day difference between the level of care employees take in being around, bringing the fun, and the number of character interactions.

The other big problem is that almost every ride broke down on the day I went while I was in a queue, on the ride, or was walking to the ride. It was impossible to overstate just how regularly this happenedto the point where my time and planning went out the window trying to deal with the maintenance.

I think if Universal were to go back to the drawing board a bit, they could rework some of these issues. Iron out how much room there is, how long the lines are, put more things in the empty spaces, and offer a wider variety of things to eat. But there’s no amount of effort Universal can take to outdo their main competition in Disney when it comes to theme parks. Disney knows how to maintain, operate, theme, and design a god damn park. The sight lines, the flow, the amount of shows and serendipitous magical moments, Universal is a second hand second rate set of parks compared to the House of the Mouse, and it isn’t particularly close.

What makes Islands of Adventures stand out is the number of great rides, and how well it uses the IP. I’m not a fan of J.K. Rowling (understatement of the century) or her vile bigoted views, but the areas that tie directly to the Potter books are so much better than this newer Fantastic Beasts Paris-lite section. It’s too small with not enough to do, so you may as well just skip it entirely and not give any of your money to Warner Bros.

I would much rather go back to Universal Studios, even without attractions like Jaws, Terminator, E.T., Earthquake, or Twister than go back to Epic Universe. Maybe it’s because I have no ties to the “How to Train Your Dragon” property, or that the Dark Universe section was really small and cramped, but I think the entire park is a swing and a miss.