As it turns out, the NHL has some great mascots. A very underrated crew of monsters, animals, men, anthropomorphized men, and Biblical figures. But are any of them sexy, horny, and/or fuckable? And how many are super ugly? Where is the line between intriguing and off-putting?
The criteria, as always, is that there is no criteria because none of this makes any sense.
Please enjoy responsibly. Don’t take any of this seriously, and if you’re going to venture into the comments, make them civil. Please. This is not the time to get super serious about such a silly and erotic exercise. Just because I took this task on with the weight of the world doesn’t mean anybody wants to read your furry slash fiction. I sure as hell don’t.
I apologize to the Atlanta Thrashers and to Wally the Whale from the now defunct Hartford Whalers. I was not familiar with your game, you sexy beasts you.
36. Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings) — This is just an octopus they bring down from the rafters. Sometimes the fans throw dead octopus corpses onto the ice. Nah, I’m good. The slime, the little suction cups, the tentacles… not for me. Hentai is nasty in my book.
35. Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames) — OH MY GOD, get that tongue back in your mouth, sir! I’ve never seen a mascot’s eyes be so scary, this guy is clearly going to hunt me down and kill me and then eat me. Stay the fuck away from me, Harvey, you absolute psychopath.
34. Stinger (Columbus Blue Jackets) — So being a bug is one thing (I hate bugs and never want them near me), but having the angry face, big red eyes, and mutant green skin are all unappealing. He seems like a jerk personality-wise, and just a bad vibe to be around.
33. Spartacat (Ottawa Senators) — I’m not sure what lions or cats have to do with Ottawa or senators, but this guy is a weird, dirty, hairy, and ugly looking sicko. He seems like a real freak, and I would rather give him a bath and send him to a shelter than talk to Spartacat. Eww.
32. Thunderbug (Tampa Bay Lightning) — Another bug, which is not great, and his hairy eyes don’t help either. But if you had to say which insect is a better prospect to knock boots with, he definitely beats Stinger.
31. Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets) — Jesus Christ, look at those teeth. Calm down, dude. God damn. He is, like, TOO eager to fuck. Being DTF is one thing, but having this mug plastered to your head forever seems like a cruel joke.
30. Stormy the Ice Hog (Carolina Hurricanes) — I don’t know what animal Stormy is trying to be, but he looks like some sort of mix between a bat, a moose, a pig, and a demon. Something about his face makes me recoil in horror, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this man is deeply evil and is hiding some sort of surprise if he pins me down. I don’t want to be in a room alone with him. He scares me. Maybe it’s the pink nose.
29. Youppi! (Montreal Canadiens) — French for “Hooray,” this Canadian mascot has a beard. And not much else going for him. Just looks like a dude at a bar you would regret going home with but you were too wasted to notice it at the time. I’m sure he’s nice, though.
28. Benny (Winnipeg Jets) — Benny and the Jets… Get it? This rat bastard is no longer the mascot for the Jets, but he looks like Remy from “Ratatouille” except when you notice his chef’s hat is ACTUALLY HIS HAIR JUST STANDING UP. No one’s hair should stick up like that except Major William Guile.
27. Tommy Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks) — My man, that mohawk is not working for you. Your beak is floppy, and your eyes are dead. Also is your name racist? Not willing to lose my reputation being with you. Sorry, not sorry.
26. Iceburgh (Pittsburgh Penguins) — This guy thinks he’s funny, and is the perpetual class clown way after he graduated high school. He’s that jerk at work you put up with but some stupid idiot is going to hook up with him at the Christmas party after too much punch. Wouldn’t be me, though.
25. Chance (Vegas Golden Knights) — Do snakes even have genitals? How do they procreate if snakes don’t hang dong? I’m not willing to Google that, so I don’t care to find out. Ultimately, Chance is ugly as sin, but he makes up for it with acts of service. So if you’re desperate, you can do much worse.
24. Wild Wing (Anaheim Ducks) — I don’t know what he looks like! There’s a Jason Voorhees hockey mask in the way, so he could murder me with a hatchet, dice me up with a machete, or do some strange “Eyes Wide Shut” ritualistic things to me. No way of telling what will happen, so it’s not worth the risk.
23. Howler (Arizona Coyotes) — Another defunct mascot, Howler is… fine. He’s fine. This is where the list starts for me really, since I would reasonably see what these guys have goin’ on, given the chance.
22. Blades (Boston Bruins) — Okay, why do I think Blades would stare at me while I’m asleep? And why do I think that intensity would be a turn on? He is a rip and dip candidate, but would find your phone number and email and address to ask what happened and where did I go. Major red flags (also from Boston — possible racist too).
21. Nordy (Minnesota Wild) — Nordy has the appeal of a very nice boy who you get a crush on in grade school, but then later grow out of it as he matures into a man with an odd look. What are those things around his eyes? He needs to figure himself out, grow into his true self, and maybe we can be friends down the road but this is not your soulmate.
20. Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers) — Puffy face, long legacy of being a great mascot, seems overly nice, but he is gonna gain some weight and have a midlife crisis. And you don’t wanna be anywhere near this dude when it hits rock bottom for him. His glory days are long gone, and that must hurt. Probably has a huge cock, though, so good for him.
19. S.J. Sharkie (San Jose Sharks) — S.J. has a bad name, and very frightening teeth, but he is a master in the sack (I’m guessing). Quite aggressive, possibly randy, and always up to something. This shark has his moments but is way too overbearing, and seems like he has anger issues to iron out. Not my problem; I’m just in it for the rough stuff with him.
18. Fin (Vancouver Canucks) — If you’re into conjugal visit roleplay, or like being choked, Fin is your guy. His face is scary, another killer smile but with some wicked teeth, I would not be surprised in the slightest if you open the newspaper and say to your spouse “oh my goodness, I slept with that guy years ago and now he’s in jail!” Fin is an orca after all, and they will kill you if given the chance in the open water. Scary ass things, man.
17. Gnash (Nashville Predators) — What a fun guy Gnash is. Always willing to try things out sexually, then take you out to different places, wants to go out constantly, and is a real go-getter. But you’re a home body and don’t have the energy to constantly keep up with his outdoors lifestyle and lust for dangerous thrills. Gnash, you will make someone else very happy someday, but it won’t be me. You’re just not the right fit, and also those teeth need work.
16. Viktor E. Ratt (Florida Panthers) — You know that scene in “Jackie Brown” where the blonde chick randomly has sex with Robert de Niro’s criminal character out of nowhere? He’s got this ‘stache, the tats, and this charisma about him that’s indescribable. Viktor has that same rizz. Same exact scenario, too. You don’t wanna know what he does for work but he will wreck you, and you can’t walk the next day — that’s for damn sure.
15. Bernie (Colorado Avalanche) — This dawg is all personality, all slickness, all cute and adorable, but man is he not a looker. The kind of person your partner will say is hot and you go “wait, what, really? Bernie the dog?” and they say “yeah, I don’t know why,” but EVERYBODY shares that opinion.
The most charming, lovable character and you look straight at Bernie and think “what am I not seeing?” But then you fuck and then you say “oh, okay, now I get it” immediately after doing the walk of shame.
14. Howler the Yeti (Colorado Avalanche) — I’m not usually a fan of the hairier mascots, but there is a Steve Martin quality to Howler the Yeti. Just a ball of energy, a ton of fun, and the life of a party. This guy has been the coolest bro on campus but he’s in his 70s now, and it hasn’t slowed him down one bit. He would take you under his wing, and show you a thing or two. That beard alone has so much age and wisdom in it, just years of experience. He would treat you right.
13. Louie (St. Louis Blues) — Just look at that rockin’ bod. He’s got a dad bod for sure.
12. Bailey (LA Kings) — Bailey is the star of the team, but not a jerk about it. He’s the jock who also does his homework, has long flowing hair, a great spirit, and is a leader of men. But his longtime fling is always in the way until one summer where you both step aside at a party and get a little tipsy, then fool around and you think about it every now and again. How is Bailey doing now? Does he have kids? Is he still everyone’s favorite, and how can I live my life like him?
11. Hunter (Edmonton Oilers) — Hunter tries too hard, and he just shouldn’t. If Hunter believed in himself more, he could accomplish a great many things! He has the potential, he has the gusto, but much like his team in the Oilers, he doesn’t always put in his best performance (in bed). Is his mind elsewhere? What is he daydreaming of? And when will he experience his sexual awakening? It could be with me if I had the patience.
10. Carlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs) — Look at those hips. He fucks. He’s got the moves like Jagger. Pantsless like Winnie the Pooh, but hornier. Carlton fucks so hard, I bet.
9. Sabretooth (Buffalo Sabres) — The Aimee Lou Wood of this list, Sabretooth has some big ol’ fangs. Look at those things! Don’t you just wanna suck on ’em until completion? The Sabres are historically one of the worst team in the history of the NHL, so Sabretooth has to put the fans on his back to lift their spirits. And man oh man does he lift my… spirit too. I love his stripes.
8. Victor E. Green (Dallas Stars) — Victor E. is an alien. I don’t know how to describe him or his physical appearance, but I like him anyways. Who knows how many orifices, holes, pairs of genitals, or other doohickeys and gizmos is attached to him. Mr. Green clearly came to Dallas because of their ties to NASA, but let me just suggest very boldly that he could launch me into space anytime. Out of this world bang, ya feel me?
7. Boomer (Columbus Blue Jackets) — Who says retired mascots can’t still be bangable? This mustachio’d geezer is a cannon on wheels, and that means he’s both explosive AND has a giant hole on the top of his shaft. That’s a winner in my book no matter who you are.
6. Slapshot (Washington Capitals) — This is the most traditional of the mascots in the top ten as he is just simply a buff, good looking, and overall attractive eagle. Much like Swoop the Eagle, the appeal is simple here: He will take you under your wing and do things to you, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you can do things to him too. Just a solid-as-hell lay.
5. Buoy the Sea Troll (Seattle Kraken) — Not quite the newest mascot on the block (see the next entry), Buoy has this androgynous quality to them that I find refreshing in a mascot. It’s not every day you run into a sea troll, so it makes me wonder if all sea trolls are this attractive and interesting. The little freckles on the cheeks are a nice plus.
4. Tusky (Utah Mammoth) — Big, strong, and with an edge to him, Tusky is the brand new mascot turning everyone on in the hockey world (if you’re into mascots). This hunk of woolly mammoth is the man of your dreams, but blue and has giant tusks. Hence the name! He probably has a huge hog, and knows how to use it, so good on you, Tusky. I like you and your trunks.
3. Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders) — As an Islanders fan, I love Sparky. It’s hard to objectify him, since he represents my own team, but if you’ve read my previous articles then you’ll know that it doesn’t affect my judgement when it comes to fuckable mascots.
I can be as objective as I possibly can in a subjective effort, and I think Sparky is a dragon who has great sex. And I’m not afraid to say it! What dragons have to do with Long Islanders, I have no clue. Maybe a fisherman, a deli owner, a car mechanic, or an Italian didn’t work as a mascot as well. Who knows?
2. The New Jersey Devil (New Jersey Devils) — How can you refuse sleeping with the literal devil? Satan himself, but he’s from New Jersey, so you know the sex is gonna be sloppy as all… well, hell. His Clark Gable stache, his horns, and HIS FUCK ME EYEBROWS come on how can this guy be topped? Or bottomed? Who in the world can be sexier than the king of the underworld?
1. Gritty (Philadelphia Flyers) — This freak. That’s who.
Image Credit: JF/Unsplash
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