For 108 years, there was a drought in between the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series (from 1908 to 2016). And there was a deep-rooted, well known, and widely agreed upon knowledge amongst society that the Cubs were America’s underdogs. They made movies about it, SNL skits, jokes, and a general pervasiveness that the sports gods had cursed the team to never win. We all knew it, and for a long while, it was still true.

And until the 2000s, not many new teams won their first championship. And then, as leagues expanded and parity grew, more and more franchises got their first chip. But there are still so many other teams to not get a whiff of that trophy. To say they never won the final game of the season. And now there is a wide opening for a new “Cubs” that everyone can make fun of and root for. The most sulking, long suffering, and tragic of all the teams. Who could it be?

10 — Toronto Maple Leafs and Edmonton Oilers

People might argue that these two are way too low on the list. And to that I would say: Shut up. Toronto hasn’t won in 59 seasons but has 13 Stanley Cup banners they hang. I don’t have a lot of sympathy. And the Oilers have the best player in the sport currently, had the best player of all time formerly, and have five banners raised. Again, not too much empathy.

9 — All of the New York teams I root for: Mets, Jets, Knicks, Islanders, and even the Red Bulls, why not

Where to even begin. All of my teams have won at least once, famously so in every case, but haven’t gotten over the hill since 1986. 58 years for the Jets, 53 for the Knicks, 40 for the Mets, and 43 for the Islanders. And a lifetime of misery ever since. Some bad losses for the Mets in the World Series, bad beats in the AFC Championship games for the Jets, one horrible loss for the Islanders in the Eastern Final, and heartbreaking Finals losses for the Knicks. I hate my life.

The only reason me and my fellow New Yorkers, all 12 million of us, aren’t ranked higher on this list is because at least we have trophies in the case. And there are much smaller cities who have not gotten a victory parade down their main streets. Also, I guess, we have the Rangers, Giants, and Yankees, but fuck those teams.

8 — Sad basketball teams: Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, Sacramento Kings, Charlotte Hornets, Atlanta Hawks, Indiana Pacers, San Diego Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, and Orlando Magic

These NBA franchises haven’t been around long enough to get higher on the list, but I can say with certainty that they will never come close to winning a championship. Which should make them and their sad sap fans very upset. The Orlando Magic (37 seasons), Charlotte Hornets (38 seasons), Minnesota Timberwolves (37 seasons), LA Clippers (56 seasons), New Jersey Nets (50 seasons since they won an ABA title), and Indiana Pacers (53 seasons since they won an ABA title) have nothing to complain about.

The Kansas City/Sacramento Kings have gone 75 seasons since they won the “Walter A. Brown Trophy,” and for the Atlanta Hawks, it’s been 68. But there are 30 teams to compete against and these dumb ass teams keep not taking players like Luka Doncic or Tyrese Haliburton, so I have zero empathy for them.

7 — Sad football teams: Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, Atlanta Falcons, Arizona Cardinals, Cleveland Browns, San Diego Chargers

The issue with these sad sack teams is that some of them won NFL championships before the Super Bowl, but nobody counts them anymore. The Lions last won in 1957, before the league merged with the AFL. The Vikings won it in 1969, the Browns in 1964, and the Arizona Cardinals all the way back in 1947! The Atlanta Falcons and the San Diego Chargers (now the LA Chargers) have never won a Super Bowl since being founded in the ’60s.

Ever since, these organizations have been the laughing stock of the league. Truly inept, incompetent, horribly run teams who have no shot. None whatsoever.

6 — Sad baseball teams: Milwaukee Brewers, Colorado Rockies, Cleveland Guardians, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and San Diego Padres

These are the lovable baseball losers who all once got pretty close, but no cigar. Their Word Series losses were not memorable, because only winners are remembered. The Cleveland Guardians haven’t won in 75 seasons, but really, I don’t care because I cannot acknowledge their old and extremely racist name/logo/mascot/fan base.

As for the other teams… Well, they will never win because their ownership groups don’t spend enough or care enough. San Diego Padres (55 seasons), Colorado Rockies (31 seasons), Milwaukee Brewers (55 seasons), and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (26 seasons) all will go another 50 years before they make it.

5 — The Linkin Park award for ‘I tried so hard and got so far:’ Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals, aka the Bungles, were added to the NFL in 1967. They have gone 58 years and came close a few times. But since god hates Ohio, the Bengals are cursed to always be bridesmaids. Truly rough stuff given the amount of talent they have consistently and yet flounder because the owner of the team is the cheapest bastard one can find in professional sports.

4 — The ‘I lost to Michael Jordan’ award: Utah Jazz, Portland Trail Blazers, and Phoenix Suns

These teams ran into the GOAT, a human buzzsaw with no regard for human life. MJ ate them up and spit them back out. The Western Conference had no chance against the greatest to ever do it.

3 — Historic hockey teams who cannot buy luck if they had a trillion dollars: Every Canadian Team Plus Buffalo

I’m counting everything above Yonkers, all of upstate New York, as being in Canada. Which means a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since the Montreal Canadiens did it in 1993. And honestly, some have come close. We already talked about the Oilers, who had the past two seasons to not choke with the best players in the league and yet still blew it late.

The Vancouver Canucks, the Calgary Flames, the Winnipeg Jets, the Ottawa Senators, the Montreal Canadiens, and the Buffalo Sabres are so pathetic and weak willed. Just lazy slobs who disgrace the entire country they represent.

2 — Seattle Mariners

This team has never made the World Series. The only team to not go! It tied the record for most wins in a season with 116 in 2001, and then promptly lost in the playoffs. They almost got to the WS last year but gagged like dogs. And Nintendo once owned them but sold the team because they are LOSERS.

This will be year 50 of the most miserable baseball played by the best players stranded in the furthest reaches of the continental United States. A true tragedy that should be studied, examined, and never replicated. I weep openly for the M’s, but they did it to themselves.

1 — Buffalo Bills

Was there any other choice? They made it to four straight Super Bowls, and lost them all. No team has gone to four in a row, and no one will ever do it again.

Truly snake-bitten. There is no other way to describe it. They had MVPs, DPOYs, OPOYs, Hall-of-Famers, and really staked teams. And it was all for nothing. Josh Allen can marry whoever he wants, but Hailee Steinfeld can’t bring him a Super Bowl trophy. You have to earn it, and they never will.

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Image credit: Blake Guidry