NBA “insider” / corporate mouthpiece Shams Charania “reported” / was told to put out a scoop that expansion is set to hit the league within the next few years. Soon there will be a vote by the board of governors, aka the 30 owners, and possibly two new teams will be added to the best and largest pro basketball league in the world. But really, this article states that the Seattle Supersonics are all but guaranteed to return, as well as a new team in Las Vegas.

Which raises the question: What in the world do you call the 32nd and latest team to join The Association — the coolest sports league in the world?

After doing an exhaustive amount of research into this preposterous subject matter, I have come up with a personal ranking of what I think should be the best options for the new nickname, which would complete the quite confusing stretch of Las Vegas sports team additions. The Oakland/LA Raiders moved there with nothing changed, the Oakland/Sacramento A’s (the Athletics) are set to move there, and the Golden Knights are the newish NHL team who picked a sexy Gila Monster as their mascot. Make it make sense.

So when this expansion inevitably happens, the owners will have to decide on a theme, colors, logos, mascots, and a central idea to tie the entire aesthetic/vibe together. Will that be focused on the local wildlife, the desert terrain, the state of Nevada’s history, or the gambling infamy of Sin City itself?

Before the rankings begin, I will have to sort of rule out some good options that were already taken. The new NBA Las Vegas team can’t really (although they could be dicks about it) choose the following nicknames: Thunderbirds (USPHL hockey), Aviators (MiLB baseball), Thunder (IHL hockey), Ramblers (NVA volleyball), Rebels (unlv), or Lights (USL soccer).

So without further ado, let’s get through some of the bad joke ones before getting to the good ones I came up with or stole from people on Reddit!

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60. Any of the leftover ideas from the Washington Commanders: Red Tails, Defenders, Brigade, Armada, Admirals, or Presidents

59. Las Vegas Hangovers — does the movie of the same name already have a trademark? Does this set a good precedent for the kids watching?

58. Las Vegas Buzzards — do they even exist in Nevada?

57. Las Vegas Dams or Hoovers — probably copyrighted.

56. Las Vegas Miners — NOT the minors. Different word.

55. Las Vegas Roulette Wheels — “get ready for Wheels basketball” doesn’t sound good.

54. Las Vegas Desert Storm or Sandstorm or Quicksand — do young people know about Operation Desert Storm anymore?

53. Las Vegas Box Office — it’s showtime!!!

52. Las Vegas Show — they call major league baseball The Show so this wouldn’t really be able to replace that image in people’s minds.

51. Las Vegas Ringleaders or Circus or Clowns or Dancers or Magicians — the Orlando Magic already existing really messes this one up. Because they ARE clowns!

50. Las Vegas Chips — push in your chips all in… on the Chips.

49. Las Vegas Sasquatch’s or Yetis — a real shame the Utah Mammoth didn’t go with Utah Yetis; it just sounds better.

48. Las Vegas Elephants or Tusks or Mastodons — they probably never lived in Nevada but it sounds badass.

47. Las Vegas Desert Hawks or Eagle Hawks — NOT the desert eagles. That’s a different thing.

46. Las Vegas Spheres — will James Dolan’s The Sphere even exist during the 2028-2029 season?

45. Las Vegas Strippers or Hookers — it would bring in quite the crowd for that first game, but leave 50% of the crowd disappointed.

44. Las Vegas Busts — more than one meaning!

43. Las Vegas Jackpot — the ‘Pots?

42. Las Vegas Royal Flushes/Royals/Flush/Straights — I’m really struggling to shoehorn in poker to this list.

41. Las Vegas Mutants — for Mutantkind!

40. Las Vegas Jokers — probably copyrighted.

39. Las Vegas Spiders — it’s generic and boring, but no major sports team has this name yet!

38. Las Vegas Ante — “ante up” is a cool ass catch phrase.

37. Las Vegas Beavers — they build dams…

36. Las Vegas Dealers — this is the point of the list where they go from bad to plausible.

35. Las Vegas Mob/Pit Bosses/Mob Bosses/Pit Bulls/Mobsters — would people confuse the Chicago Bulls with the Vegas Pit Bulls?

34. Las Vegas Rhinos — another cool animal name, no relation to the city of Las Vegas.

33. Las Vegas Nukes — “nuke ’em” the players could say.

32. Las Vegas Crown — not the Netflix show. It relates to queens and kings.

31. Las Vegas 702s — the main area code of the city.

30. Las Vegas Vice/Vices — would be great for Miami, since that’s the real Vice City.

29. Las Vegas Sentinels — has roots to the journalism of the city, but also sounds awesome.

28. Las Vegas Crapshooters or Shooters — but we can’t have the Washington Bullets???

27. Las Vegas Diamonds/Spades/Clubs/Hearts — another stretch but it could work, any of these.

26. Las Vegas Gamblers or Hustlers or Money Makers — this will never happen but should.

25. Las Vegas Newtons (after Wayne Newton) — Sir Isaac Newton could also be honored.

24. Las Vegas Aliens or Invaders — the government would never allow this to happen, but the truth is out there.

23. Las Vegas Outlaws or Bandits — logo is a guy with a cowboy hat on and a bandana covering his mouth. Maybe holding two revolvers.

22. Las Vegas Coyotes — the Arizona hockey team in the NHL doesn’t exist anymore!

21. Las Vegas Atoms or Isotopes — nuclear power is used in both Nevada and the fictional town of Springfield.

20. Las Vegas Mustangs — I considered going with “the Ponies” here because of the gambling connection.

19. Las Vegas Sin/Sinners/Sin Eaters — The Sin. What a brilliant name they’ll never go with.

18. Las Vegas Jackrabbits/Rabbits — Pull ’em out of a magician’s hat!

17. Las Vegas Vultures — Love the alliteration here.

16. Las Vegas U.F.O.s — the Flying Saucers could also work.

15. Las Vegas Reapers — The grim reaper comes for us all, eventually. So would this basketball team if they could get the number one pick.

14. Las Vegas Cactus Jacks — Cactuses doesn’t sound good. The ‘Jacks do, though.

13. Las Vegas Card Sharks — there’s already a San Jose Sharks, but this is better than that.

12. Las Vegas Cobras — not to be confused with the dodgeball team name from “Dodgeball.”

11. Las Vegas Hyenas — “this team is no laughing matter!”

10. Las Vegas Geckos or Lizards or Iguanas — green and mean.

9. Las Vegas Marauders — sort of goes well with the Running Rebels of UNLV.

8. Las Vegas Scorpions — not to be confused with the Spider-Man villain.

7. Las Vegas Blackjacks — maybe too many jokes would be made at any white players’ expense for this to happen.

6. Las Vegas Bighorns — a common online recommendation, because of the bighorn rams that live in Nevada.

5. Las Vegas Rat Pack — the Packers? The Rats?

4. Las Vegas Rattlers/Rattlesnakes — you’ll see a common thread with these top choicesssssssssssssss.

3. Las Vegas Sidewinders — awesome name.

2. Las Vegas Venom — probably copyrighted.

1. Las Vegas Vipers — my personal pick. Just sounds right.

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Image Credit: Grant Cai