Despite being the most popular sport in America for some time now, the NFL has very weak mascots. None are memorable, nobody cares, and it doesn’t seem to matter. Many teams elect to not even have a mascot — namely both New York teams and the Green Bay Packers.
I think we should investigate by looking at how hideous these mascots truly are if they’re so invisible and not at all in the consciousness of fans. Me included! I never see these things on sidelines or during timeouts. Maybe some of them have some sex appeal, who knows?
As always, the criteria is nothing because none of this makes any sense. Please enjoy responsibly. Don’t take any of this seriously, and if you’re going to venture into the comments, make them civil. Please.
This is not the time to get super serious about such a silly and erotic exercise. Just because I took this task on with the weight of the world doesn’t mean anybody wants to read your furry slash fiction. I sure as hell don’t.
31. Bolt Man (LA Chargers) — You know the Jack Nicholson picture that Dril uses online? The one of him smoking a joint? That’s this mascot, but real. With this face on 24/7. A true abomination.
30. Pat the Patriot (New England Patriots) — What the fuck is this thing? Why is his face like that? Why is it so big? What is he wearing? Fuck this guy and I hope he dies soon.
29. Raider Rusher (Las Vegas Raiders) — No. Just, no. The less said the better.
28. Sir Saint (New Orleans Saints) — The gigantic chin may seem like it’s a plus if you’re really into ball sacks or non-wrinkly scrotums. But it looks like he was irradiated and mutated in a post apocalyptic wasteland after the bombs fell. Never in a million years.
27. Captain Fear (Tampa Bay Bucs) — An ugly pirate mascot with a bad beard and furry sideburns? Yawn. Try harder, Tampa Bay.
26. T-Rac (Tennessee Titans) — I don’t know why the Titans, formerly Oilers, have a raccoon for a mascot. I don’t know why he has crazy eyes that make him seem like he just licked a toad and is hallucinating. He is high as fuck. He scares me, but if you’re a real freak, maybe you can shoot up with him and have magical drug-feuled sex. Won’t be me, though. All yours.
25. Staley Da Bear (Chicago Bears) — Staley Da Bear is very, very similar to the average Chicago Bears fan. A big guy who likes to eat, sit on the sofa, and watch da game. There is no real appeal unless you’re into the literal and figurative bear. I’ll let people google that — I’m not explaining anything here.
24. T.D. (Miami Dolphins) — He’s an old school mascot with an old school design in an old school outfit. Even his helmet is from the ’60s. Back when you could make a TV show called “Flipper” about a dolphin. He isn’t bad on the eyes, but I would feel bad for some reason. Just guilty taking time out of his day. Leave him alone, and his odd arms with no hands. How does he jack himself off?
23. Gumbo (New Orleans Saints) — He’s a dog. No more. No less. Not exactly sexy. Not unfriendly. I would feel guilty trying to do anything but have a beer with him.
22. Viktor (Minnesota Vikings) — He’s a normal man. So that’s good, I guess. He is a viking however, so he has probably done some truly vile things in pillaging Europe. If you’re into his hair, good on you, but I’m steering clear and just trying my best to not piss this guy off.
21. Brownie the Elf (Cleveland Browns) — Here is the problem with Brownie: I would have sex with him, but I will not be doing so. I don’t know how old elves are, and I can’t take that risk. Sure, he says he’s hundreds of years old, but he looks a little too young and innocent. So I will not be taking the plunge. Not going to jail over him, sorry.
20. Jaxson De Ville (Jacksonville Jaguars) — Jaxson’s name is a horrible attempt at humor. But I’ll give it to him: Ge does really exude sexuality. He is clearly down to clown. And for all I know, those teal spots all over him are some sort of a mascot venereal disease he picked up. And I ain’t catching that, so I have to deduct points.
19. Blue (Indianapolis Colts) — A merry ol’ happy fat horse who is blue. Named Blue. Maybe after the ox Paul Bunyan had around. But he’s a little too ‘kids birthday party’ energy for me. I’ve seen stuff shoot out of his nose. His eyes are offset so it seems like he’s either cockeyed or nuts.
18. KC Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs) — What is with these dad bod mascots who are round in the waist and wacky up top with the eyes? I am more compelled to sleep with him over the previous few, but this is still the cutoff point. I’m not willing to stick my dick in any of these fools…yet. I think the couple of mascots above and below are very good mascots but are not sexy. And I stand by that assertion.
17. Poe (Baltimore Ravens) — I think, as a mascot, Poe is very good. He does his job. He shows up on time. Has a haircut you can set your watch to. Is he good in the sack? I don’t know. Seems like he has sad vibes, based on his namesake, and cries after sex. Just what I gather based on his body of work. Also, not a great body either! Sometimes I want my mascots to be in shape. Sue me.
16. Sir Purr (Carolina Panthers) — As this post suggests, he is cute. But being cute isn’t everything I’m looking for. There’s no perversion here, no sense of degeneracy. Just a cute li’l guy being a big cat. With a dump truck he’s hauling around back there.
15. Big Red (Arizona Cardinals) — This guy would be the perfect lay! But………………….. is that a neck beard? This is obviously a mistake you wake up to and realize “oh my goodness I got so wasted last night, did I suck on his neck beard?” And then you throw up in your mouth a little bit. But I like his tail feathers! Those are hot.
14. Who Dey (Cincinnati Bengals) — This is where I would start to not feel regret fucking an NFL mascot. I think the list of legitimately sexy guys and gals starts here. Of the most average and normal you can find is Who Dey, who has a horrible name, but you could do a LOT worse. So much worse than a tall, fit tiger with groomed hair.
13. Major Tuddy (Washington Commanders) — I would never have a relationship with a member of the military industrial complex, especially one so high ranking. But a secret love affair, that’s steamy and dirty and sloppy? The correct man for the job of love makin’ is Major Tuddy. Got that corkscrew tail — that thang is crazy.
12. Steely McBeam (Pittsburgh Steelers) — Strong chin. Good jawline. Nice eyebrows. Great job. Strong. Can lift. Has a dick. Not getting any complaints from me, that’s for shit sure. Do I like his outfit? No, but that won’t be staying on for long.
11. Freddie Falcon (Atlanta Falcons) — Is he doing too much to impress me? Yeah. Do I appreciate the effort? I guess so. I’m not immune to his charms. The athletic, sporty guy you date in your 20s, break up with because he’s immature, but man is he the guy your parents won’t shut up about. “Remember Freddie? We loved him!” Yeah, Pop, so did I.
10. Rowdy (Dallas Cowboys) — A cartoon character come to life. He is a real fuckable man, and the only reason we stopped having intense, passionate cowboy sex is that we had a big fight over something that is a non-negotiable. I have a feeling it was about human rights, or the government, or something that would show his true beliefs, and I just can’t be with a right wing person. Sorry Rowdy, but you take that hog you’re slingin’ and mosey on down to another cowpoke. Ya hear?
9. Sourdough Sam (San Francisco 49ers) — Another rugged, mountain man. A gold panner. A fuckin’ guy rocking a mean beard and some muscles. He will hit it and quit it, I fear. You wake up after an amazing night and he’s already gone, left to find his next adventure. Off into the woods, I imagine. But his spirit will never leave your lips. “Sourdough Sam, where did you go?” you’ll think to yourself. He knew how to treat you right.
8. Roary (Detroit Lions) — A terrible name! That’s first off. Secondly, and more importantly though, is that he is fit. He has an ass. He has the guns. He has the hair. The attitude. He can be fun! He can also throw you around the bedroom. I had to move him up higher on the list after my fiancée threatened to leave me for him.
7. Toro (Houston Texans) — You mess with the bull, and you get the HORNS, amirite ladies? I know this beast FUCKS.
6. Chomps (Cleveland Browns) — I didn’t think a dog mascot from the Cleveland Browns would rank this high. But the big smile? And the flex? I’m afraid this dawg could easily come steal yo gurl, as the kids say online. A real contender for the top spot, but a few more mascots were more fuckable, in my perverted eyes.
5. Billy Buffalo (Buffalo Bills) — Let me make this very clear: Billy is eight feet tall. Let me say that again. EIGHT FEET TALL. I cannot stress that enough, folks. Eight foot buffalo. That, and his face, catapult him over some very bulky and smokin’ hot mascots. Because you KNOW his entire body is huge…
4. Swoop (Philadelphia Eagles) — The Philly mascots always represent on these lists because they’re well designed, good humored, smart, reflect the city’s history, and are usually very horny looking. Swoop is swole, aggressive, nasty, and clean. A hot ass eagle, if I say so myself.
3. Rampage (LA Rams) — What an attractive, fierce, strong, sexy mascot Rampage is. A shame this team is so far away from most people’s consciousness because he doesn’t get a lot of air time and no one really knows anything about him. But he’s just a cool ram with devilish horns and good looks. He can ram me any day, and plow me any time.
2. Miles (Denver Broncos) — (Fans myself off from sweating) they have to put him out to stud, because what are we doing otherwise here, folks. He was made to be fuckable. Very cut and dry.
1. Blitz and Boom (Seattle Seahawks) — You know they be fuckin. Two sexy birds going at it? Yeah add me in, I’ll be the third. Terrific mascots, from head to talon.
Image Credit: Casey Murphy
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