This guest post is written by Jack Thomas Lawson.
Nintendo is about to ask a lot of adults to hum at a game console. In front of other people. On purpose.
The “Ocarina of Time” remake lands on Switch 2 on November 5, and it plays back any melody you hum into the console’s mic. I have not played it (to my dismay). This ranking comes from the original songs and from my long history of embarrassing myself in public — mostly in elevators.
All the songs get a Train Score out of ten, built from volume, recognizability, and the seconds you would spend explaining yourself to a stranger. Higher is worse. I did the math on a receipt (I am not a math person) and I am standing by it.
The obvious pick for worst song is wrong. I will get there.
1. Zelda’s Lullaby: 1/10
It is a lullaby, slow and soft. Nobody has ever been asked to leave a bus for it. The worst outcome is a stranger nodding at you, which is more eye contact than I want before 9am.
2. Song of Time: 2/10
Low and slow enough to pass for a hymn. Say it is a hymn if anyone asks. (I last attended church for a cousin’s wedding, so please skip the follow-up questions.)
3. Prelude of Light: 2.5/10
I have played it hundreds of times and could not hum it for you now without a reference. Neither will anyone around you, which makes it the closest thing to a perfect crime here.
4. Epona’s Song: 3.5/10
Bouncy, with a horse-trot rhythm. Your head is the risk. You will start bobbing along to a song nobody asked for, with no headphones in.
5. Minuet of Forest: 4/10
Jaunty, and meaningless to anyone who never owned the cartridge. A stranger will assume it is a ringtone. Pat your pocket like your phone is going off and commit to the lie until your stop.
6. Serenade of Water: 4.5/10
Pretty and a little sad. You will hum it staring out the window like a man who lost a boat. I have been that man (the boat was the 8:15 bus).
7. Nocturne of Shadow: 5/10
Low and moody, so the volume stays down. The explanation costs you: “It’s from a game about a haunted temple” ends conversations. I have watched it end a few of mine.
8. Requiem of Spirit: 6/10
It has swagger it has not earned. You will hum it with your shoulders back, like someone who has never missed a deadline. The carriage will clock it.
9. Bolero of Fire: 6.5/10
This one gets your feet tapping. Eight seconds in, you are a one-person percussion section. I would guess the mic wants a firm hum, which means you will push harder than feels natural.
10. Sun’s Song: 7.5/10
Nobody remembers learning this one, and that is the danger. You will hum it wrong with total confidence, and a stranger who played in 1998 will correct you aloud. I would pay money to skip that conversation.
11. Song of Storms: 8.5/10
Humming it sounds like you are trying to start a lawnmower. It is a fast, wobbly loop, and if the mic is picky (my guess), you will try again. And again. By pass three you are a small engine in distress, and “it makes it rain” does not help as an explanation.
12. Saria’s Song: 9.5/10
Worst on the list. The reason takes a few paragraphs.
Why the lawnmower song loses. Most people will guess Song of Storms for the top spot. They are wrong. You know it sounds ridiculous, so you hum it low and fast and hope nobody looks up. Saria’s Song is cheerful and catchy. The bright, bouncing notes make you smile before you decide to, and you will hum it three times louder than you think. (Same reason I sing in the car, to the ongoing concern of nearby drivers.)
But: you are not in the car. You are on the 7:42 with forty strangers, and a grown adult is humming a forest child’s theme song at full, joyful volume. It scores high on recognizability too, and that hurts. Half the carriage knows it, and those people will want to talk. I have survived a lot of things. A stranger shouting “Saria!” at me across a platform is not one I am built for.
Note: I have not touched the remake, and I hum in a register best described as “confused cat.” The mic may be forgiving. Nintendo may have solved this whole problem, in which case I look foolish (a normal Saturday). On November 5, a commuter will try Song of Storms on the way to work, fail, and try again. Someone across the aisle will lower their newspaper. I hope it is not me. It will be me.
Hum the songs you are embarrassed by. The ones you love will give you away.
Image Credit: “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”
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