Because I am but a measly human, I believe in two contradictory things at the same time:
- Making a live-action “Street Fighter” film has never worked, will never work, and cannot ever be good. The fluidity of the moves, the exaggerated nature of the characters, the racially insensitive depictions we’ve all grown accustomed to — none of it works with real people. It’s all far too ridiculous.
- That 1994 “Street Fighter” movie is so bad that it’s kind of good. You know what I mean? It was a disaster while they were writing it and while they were filming it, and it’s even worse when you watch it — just a total clusterfuck on screen at all times. But there’s a cheesy nostalgic enjoyment you can get out of Raul Julia acting his ass off — hamming it up and you just want to root for it.
So when news drops that this game or that game is getting a movie, most of the time we all roll our eyes because it typically doesn’t happen. “Metal Gear,” “Shadow of the Colossus,” “Space Invaders,” and on and on. It’s all bogus. But Legendary hired director Kitao Sakurai and they’re sticking to it, and they’re really going to make this piece of shit just like Warner Bros. did a few years ago with “MK.” It’s a bad idea turned worse under terrible circumstances; this isn’t the arcade boom of the early ’90s. Kids today do not give a shit about fighting game IPs.
I’m glad Kitao Sakurai gets a big bag of money because he worked on “The Eric Andre Show” and “Bad Trip” — two endeavors close to my heart. He does have a lot of experience with stunt work and wild fights, but those are done for comedy, not for super serious martial arts with a plot thrown in about global domination, ancient Japanese demonic evil, and science experiments gone wrong.
In spite of our protests, they have already started casting this film. So who did they get? Mostly no-names, but there are some shockers mixed in there too.
- Andrew Koji as Ryu – He could look the part, but Ryu has no character, he is just a Japanese protagonist who fights.
- Noah Centineo as Ken – He isn’t even blonde. C’mon!
- Jason Momoa as Blanka – What in the fuck? Blanka is Brazilian, and a monster with electricity coursing through his veins. He’s a wacky, weird character who doesn’t translate to live action. As a cartoon? Perfect. Eating fruit, doing flips, going nuts? I love it. As Jason Momoa? No. Just no. Sorry, Jason, you’ve done good work before,but this is a mistake dude.
- Roman Reigns as Akuma – Roman Reigns is not a Japanese demon, he is a wrestler. I’m not sure he can act, but he can do an angry scowl. I don’t buy it.
- Callina Liang as Chun-Li – ACAB includes Chun-Li because she is a Chinese cop. Yes, she’s avenging her father’s death at the hands of M. Bison but no one will care because she’s hot and has those legs. Remember the American spin-off movie about her? Neither do I, but I know it didn’t work!
- 50 Cent as Balrog – 50 Cent cannot act, and he also isn’t even a boxer. He might be too old to be properly jacked. Why not just hire a real boxer? Is 50 selling tickets at this stage in his career?
- Orville Peck as Vega – Not from Spain, but he wears a mask professionally. Did they just hire him because he wears a mask? Is that the best the producers could do?
- Andrew Schulz as Dan – Apparently, this guy has been cancelled for saying some shit he shouldn’t have said? Pass.
- David Dastmalchian as M. Bison – Okay, they definitely cooked with this one. He’s a wonderful actor, super underrated, and a total weirdo committed to his roles. If you can’t have the dearly departed Raul Julia, then you might as well give it to someone with slick, black hair.
Please do not make this movie. Cancel it. Stop trying to make these things! Use the money to fund original ideas by writers and artists who haven’t had the chance to create yet. Not this filth — this junk. I beg of you, Hollywood, leave “Street Fighter” the brand alone. Find your blood money somewhere else.
Image credit: Capcom, Gwendolyn Lee
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