The hosts of the 2025 NFL Draft, the chilly people of Lambeau, devouring their beer and cheese, got to enjoy the best moment of the entire night. What an entrance for your first rounder!

Maybe he’ll be an actual star, which your team has none of. When Aaron Rodgers was “good” famous and not “bad” famous, he lifted his teammates around him into name recognition. Clay Matthews, Randall Cobb, BJ Raji — I could go on and on.

The Packers now are anonymous. Nobody knows anybody. It’s as if this team doesn’t exist. Just a ghost team, floating around in the NFC, winning games and then disappearing come January. So lame. Boring competence.

What I Wrote Last Year:

“Do you think this team has been good for 100+ years because they don’t have an owner? Like, no billionaire with brain worms to make horrible decisions, a group of people calling the shots, and no one around to override them with sheer stupidity and greed? I think that might be it.

Make all the jokes you want about them never taking a WR in the first round for Rodgers, or really any offensive help, the team won a playoff game against the vaunted Dallas Cowboys and should top the Detroit Lions for the NFC North crown soon, as is their god given birthright. And last time I checked, they have legit weapons too! Every time I do a fantasy mock draft, I keep seeing names ranked high like “Jayden Reed” and “Dontayvion Wicks” and “Bo Melton” and “Malik Heath.” Who the fuck are these people, why do I have to assume already that they’re good, and why the fuck can’t my Jets pull this effortless shit off and not just get Green Bay’s washed-up old detritus?”

That detritus is Allen Lazard. He still hasn’t left our facility, somehow, and now he’s playing a significant part of our offense? The fuck?

Anyways, now that the prophecy has been fulfilled with the Packers taking Matthew Golden, all those blood sacrifices and satanic rituals can cease in Wisconsin. And the jokes. The people demanded a first round WR, and my goodness did they get one (barring that he’s good and not a bust).

Last Season: You made the playoffs as a seven-seed, and got smoked by the Eagles. It happens. Otherwise, I cannot for the life of me tell you anything about this season other than Love got hurt, replacements filled in admirably, and everyone I took in fantasy on this team SUCKED out loud, and that pissed me off royally.

Vegas Over/Under: 9.5

Owner: No one. Maybe no teams should have owners, and we should just all co-op own these franchises as a public good — a service to the fans and not the shareholders. Unite, comrades, and let us take back our sport from those capitalist pigs!

Your chairman, CEO, and President is Ed Policy, which sounds like a placeholder name. Like John Q. Public, or Jane Doe. What a fake ass name — that cannot be real.

GM: There were so many think pieces surrounding the hiring of Brian Gutekunst — a former Patriots executive. The Aaron Rodgers bullshit, the Jordan Love bullshit, on and on it went. Never ending, incessantly annoying, obnoxious, and oh so boring. He did just fine fleecing the Jets for Rodgers and does just fine keeping a team in contention without any real expectations. Just winning and smiles from the cheeseheads.

Coach: Matt LaFleur. He seems fine, but not in a threatening way. He’s too good looking to be one of the best head coaches, which makes all of those NFC title game appearances that much more confusing.

QB: A lot of jag-offs and dick-weeds spent years riling up sports fans on the radio, TV, and online with their nonstop bellyaching and event-izing of the Rodgers-to-Love pipeline storyline. “Oh my goodness he won the MVP so late in his career!” “Oh my goodness they traded up to draft his replacement!” “Oh my goodness this is just like him and Favre!” “Oh my goodness is Jordan Love even any good?” “Oh my goodness can he win more playoff games?”

Shut up. He’s fine. All of this was overblown, and I’m sick of hearing about it.

Line Play: It’s alright. Good even, but the crux of the issue is in last year’s first rounder Jordan Morgan. He’s bad! Not great at run blocking or pass blocking, can’t shut down edge rushers, and he got shuffled around on the line only to be possibly replaced by Aaron Banks and second round pick Anthony Walker. Does he even start this year?

Your front seven is bad. Fix that.

2025 Draft: Besides Golden, you took a tackle, a linebacker, a corner, and another WR to add to the nine other guys in the locker room who catch passes from Jordan Love. It’s madness that there are so many of these guys who I’ve heard of, but have no clue why exactly I know them. Christian Watson, Mecole Hardman, Cornelius Johnson, Dontayvion Wicks, Sam Brown Jr., Savion Williams… Can you trade in all of these guys for just one dude like a Tee Higgins? That might help your case.

Red State: If every person who voted for a third party candidate voted for Kamala, this state would have flipped blue. And we all know, the dumbest people on earth are undecided/third-party voters. But it didn’t flip blue, so I blame all of you drunk Brewers fans for being right-wing freaks, gullible losers, incels, and disgraced podcasters.

Dumbest Move: You gave away Rasul Douglas for nothing, lost Jaire Alexander, drafted Quay Walker and Devonte Wyatt, and I still don’t know any of your WRs besides Jayden Reed WHO DID NOT LIVE UP TO FANTASY EXPECTATIONS LAST SEASON.

Read more here.

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Smartest Teams with Recent Rings to Show For It:

1 — Eagles

2 — Chiefs

3 — Rams

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Image credit: Nathan Dumlao