After a lifetime of going to Walt Disney’s four main theme parks (sans the water parks), I have now gathered enough personal experiences and anecdotes to properly rank them all. Or most of them. I think I got them all, because some people consider the Wildlife Express Train or the monorail to be a ride (I do not, that’s just transportation). Maybe, in all of my research, I skipped over something. I think these are the only actual attractions where you move, on a ride, and not just watching a show.

So if you’ve been to Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, or (the best of them) EPCOT, then you might have an opinion. Share them below! Or don’t — do whatever you want; I’m a writer, not a cop.

The Bad, Skippable Rides

47 – Transit Authority Peoplemover
46 – Living with the Land
45 – Spaceship Earth
44 – Tomorrowland Speedway
43 – It’s A Small World

These are the worst of the worst. Just boring, pathetic, slow, and not very memorable rides that you can easily skip. No matter how short the lines are, I don’t think they’re worth doing at all! This tier is mostly EPCOT stuff made decades ago to teach children about science and history. There’s also the world’s dullest car ride, and the most infectious song that you will come to hate quite quickly.

The jokes about this one are all true. It truly is that annoying.

Rides For Babies (They Just Spin Around)

42 – Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin
41 – Prince Charming’s Regal Carousel
40 – Astro Orbiter
39 – Dumbo the Flying Elephant
38 – Magic Carpets of Aladdin
37 – Mad Tea Party
36 – Alien Swirling Saucers

Every single one of these are rides that go around and around either quite slowly (they’re for children) or quite fast (like the one below).

The amount you’ll like these will depend heavily on whether or not you’re familiar or nostalgic for any one ride. Or the movie they’re themed after. I, myself, have no attachments to any of these rides, so they all in essence do the same thing, just mildly better than the last one.

Dark Rides (They Go So Slow)

35 – The Seas with Nemo & Friends
34 – Gran Fiesta Tour
33 – Na’vi River Journey
32 – The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
31 – Journey Into Imagination with Figment
30 – Under the Sea
29 – Peter Pan’s Flight
28 – Pirates of the Caribbean
27 – Frozen Ever After
26 – Haunted Mansion

The bread and butter of Disney World are the dark rides — the ones that go slowly through a track while displaying animatronics and other things that either take you through an adventure (like Pirates and Haunted Mansion) or the plot of a film (like Peter Pan).

The degree to which these rides thrill, inspire laughter, or are based on actually good movies directly impact where they are ranked. For instance, Journey Into Imagination is very outdated, but has a ton of charm and idiosyncrasies that make it memorable, whereas the Na’vi River Journey has a lot of trees and singing but not much else (and it’s over far too soon).

♫ Take Your Kiddies, Take Your Wife ♫

25 – Barnstormer
24 – Jungle Cruise
23 – Kali River Rapids
22 – Millennium Falcon – Smuggler’s Run
21 – Dinosaur

I didn’t really know what to do with these other than group them together. They’re solid, worthy rides, but not in the upper class of fun attraction. The Barnstormer is a really short kiddy coaster, Jungle Cruise is a corny way to sit and relax to break up all the walking, Kali River Rapids gets you wet, and they’re perfectly cromulent.

Millennium Falcon is super disappointing, depending on who you’re with and which position you get on the crew. Dinosaur is closing soon but is so ridiculous it’s worth checking out. Old, dated, cheesy, and full of scary dinos trying to eat you while a narrative plays around you. It’s so wonderfully horrible that you HAVE to go on it before it’s gone.

The ‘All Bangers’ Tier

20 – Kilimanjaro Safaris
19 – Star Tours
18 – Mission: Space
17 – Avatar Flight of Passage
16 – Soarin’
15 – Mickey and Minnie Runaway Railway
14 – Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure
13 – Toy Story Mania!

You simply cannot miss when going on these rides unless you opt for the orange Mission: Space instead of the green Mission: Space. But all in all, these are reasons why people come to these parks. To see wild animals roaming around them on the Safari at Animal Kingdom. To feel like they’re flying through the air or outer space at EPCOT. To see Mickey and Minnie and Goofy at Hollywood Studios. And to beat off to the blue people on the Avatar ride where you bend over and like hump the flying dragon creature thing. That one hurt my back a little bit.

I would say the standouts are the trackless rides that use new-fangled magnet technology. You seamlessly glide around on Remy’s Adventure (thank goodness they’re removing the 3D from that ride), and that’s pretty neat. And Toy Story Mania is the best ride that isn’t a roller coaster you can enjoy with your entire family.

Actual Roller Coasters, What A Concept!

12 – Seven Dwarf’s Mine Train
11 – Slinky Dog Dash
10 – Expedition Everest
9 – Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
8 – Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster

As far as coasters go, Disney parks are not the place for thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. However, the ones available are still quite good. Only one goes upside down at full speed (the video below shows that off quite early on).

And once the Aerosmith part of this ride goes away and it’s replaced by the Muppets, this could easily be in the top five of this list. But for now, these are just outside the top tier, but some of them still make the top ten. Is that combination of rankings and tier system confusing? My answer: Who cares? Make your own list.

The Top Tier Can’t Miss Stuff

7 – The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror
6 – Tiana’s Bayou Adventure
5 – Test Track
4 – Space Mountain
3 – TRON Lightcycle/Run
2 – Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind
1 – Rise of the Resistance

The falls on Tower of Terror and Tiana (formerly Splash Mountain) are legendary. Test Track still rips as it shoots you out for the final lap at a crazy speed. Space Mountain is the original roller coaster in the dark. These are iconic, beloved, and top-tier rides.

As for my top three, they’re all relatively new compared to the likes of Space Mountain and Splash Mountain (now Tiana’s Bayou Adventure). That’s because theme park attraction tech and theming has come a long way from the ’80s. The Daft Punk/Nine Inch Nails soundtracks and laser light show within the TRON ride is bananas.

I would have put Guardians Rewind first if not for the fact that it doesn’t play “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire every single time. Any other songs don’t work as well, so you have to be lucky to get the perfect ride for that one.

Rise of the Resistance is the culmination of decades of work by Disney Imagineers — a perfect ride, as far as I’m concerned. Screens, robots, animatronics, drops, spins, dashes, and story; this thing has it all, and does it better than I could have dreamed of.

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Image Credit: Brian McGowan