Is it me, or are platformers that come out now just… weird?

Not bad! Not bad, that’s not what I’m saying. But it’s like they’re all trying something very bizarre and just not executing on the ideas. The fundamentals aren’t there, and these things come out not quite half baked, but three-quarters baked. For example, we got the quite better “Demon Tides” from the quite not-as-good “Demon Turf.” Do I love either game? No. The same devs are going to tackle the floaty jumping shenanigans of “Bubsy 4D” and to that I say: God speed.

I wanted to love “A Hat in Time” like it was the second coming of “Super Mario Sunshine,” but I didn’t. It was rough around the edges and felt like it was missing a cohesive solid foundation that Nintendo games usually have. That or the physics. But there doesn’t seem to be any games where I can run around and just collect stuff in the same way I used to, and the ones that try to emulate those fall flat. “Big Hops” was interesting, but not polished. Things get kind of close, but never stick the landing. Nothing wows me anymore. Have my standards been set too high?

In the big Konami resurgence, we got gifted a quirky puzzle platformer in “Darwin’s Paradox!” It looks great, plays fine, but continuously hits a wall with its level design. On the surface, a game with little to no dialogue sounds like an intriguing hang, if it can successfully pull it off. This game can’t quite carry the torch through the entire (short) runtime.

The biggest dagger in the heart of indie platformers was the tepid reaction to “Super Meat Boy 3D.” Which, on paper, sounds risky, especially since it’s not from the original Team Meat. And in practice, it’s exactly that; a gamble that almost paid off. I can appreciate what they did with the stated goal (bring a beloved classic, genre defining, and industry shaking game into the third dimension). But it’s not as tight to control, it’s not quite up to par on its level or its music, and the veneer of the original is there but not the magic that made it sing.

While playing, it seems a lot of the levels are designed to be cheated in some way. Like, entire segments skipped thanks to the big floaty jump and dash spin move added this time around. It takes a bit to get used to, but just like the first, you have to hold down R to sprint in order to pull off most of the big running jumps. Everything else is back, like the dark world, the stages, the band-aids, the unlockable characters, the teeth gnashing difficulty, and the speed run thresholds to get the A+. And while the music is close and the vibe is there, it’s just a little off when compared to the original which was pitch perfect in almost every single way. And that difference is glaring.

I don’t know if it’s been years of watching Game Maker’s Toolkit or “Mario Maker” being so prevalent, but noticing when a new set of levels introduces a new mechanic has soured me on game design. I don’t know why I cynically think that, but when I have to now use big fans to blow me past obstacles and traps, I now think “oh here we go, the big fan levels!”

There’s an old Alan Moore quote that I’m going to paraphrase poorly, but he said that there was a time when comic book creators made up the entire medium, thinking of brand new ideas for characters and the art style, and then a generation of fans who grew up reading them started making their own. But after the generation that grew up reading THOSE comics started, it was just regurgitating. The post modern interpretation and twisting of the space had already happened. The pivot to darker stories and more mature themes and explicit images had been done. And according to Moore, what came after his heights in the ’80s was all shit.

Now do I agree with what he’s saying? No, not at all. Alan Moore is a genius who has a lot of bananas thoughts he says into microphones, of course I don’t agree with everything he blurts out. But I do understand where he’s coming from. Is every idea already done with platformers? Have we already reached perfection with both 2D and 3D controls? Are all of the different aesthetics that levels can have been invented already (ice, lava, etc.)? I’d have to go all the way back to either “Stray” or “Neon White” for truly revolutionary and exceptional platformers but those are all mixtures of other genres, where the platforming is the most pedestrian part of those experiences. And something like “Snake Pass” is so out of the ordinary, how anyone could replicate that or follow it up is beyond me.

Looking back to 2016, we got “Celeste,” “Inside,” and “Grow Up.” I would argue we haven’t seen anything close to those three, and now that I’m thinking about it, god, I am old as fuck. That’s my entire professional career summed up essentially. Ten years just whizzed by, and now an elderly decrepit loser is asking “Why aren’t new things as good as old things?” as if there isn’t an obvious answer. Hell, I’ll admit it… I only thought “Super Mario Wonder” was good, and not the second coming. Maybe I am such an old, crotchety man shaking my fist up in the sky.

Like, when is the next Astro Bot game or 3D Mario? That’s what I’m essentially asking for. A few mediocre indies and I’m already panicking that we’ll never see the likes of “Boy Boy” or “Shovel Knight” as long as we live. Or an “Ape Escape” — I would literally kill someone in cold blood to get a new one of those.

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Image Credit: “Super Meat Boy 3D”