To whom it may concern,
My New York Knicks are the NBA champs. And there were a lot of people who either tried to actively stop them from achieving that lofty goal, didn’t want to be a part of it, chose not to help or be a part of it, and a lot of people who didn’t think they could do it. And this letter is for them, all the haters and doubters and road blocks and people in our way. I say “our” like I’m a part of the team. Which I am. But since nobody who this open letter is intended for will read this, I’m sure there are a lot of Knicks fans and New Yorkers who will like to know which direction my ire is facing right now.
A hearty “fuck you” to Adam Silver
I know what you tried to do, you son of a bitch. You attempted to rig the Finals against us. I know you and the league at large hates James Dolan (we do too! Everybody does) but that’s no excuse. Just because he doesn’t show up to any owners meetings and always votes no on everything AND installs “1984” type surveillance on his enemies does not mean you have to sabotage the Knicks. Your anti-tanking measures will not work, you made the game worse by not cracking down on flopping, and haven’t brought back the SuperSonics. You bald headed capitalist cretin.
A big “fuck you” to the NBA referees, including Scott Foster, Tony Brothers, and everybody listed here
I knew you were told by the commissioner to make sure the series goes long and that for the sake of global growth/money, the Spurs needed to win. But that doesn’t give you the right to LISTEN to that mandate from up high. Every game was horribly officiated. Every time San Antonio did something dirty, you looked the other way. Every time they fouled hard, it was never a flagrant. And every time the Knicks so much as breathed in the wrong direction, it was called and later upgraded.
A shameful performance all around, one that tops the Lakers vs. Kings series from the early 2000s. You are all crooked, corrupt pieces of garbage, and not only do you all collectively need to get your eyes checked, but you should also take a long walk off a short pier. All of you. Quit being refs, because you all suck at it.
A gigantic “fuck you” to LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, and James Harden
I hope you’re all miserable! You all chose not to join the Knicks in free agency at various points, and instead chose other places and especially the Brooklyn fucking Nets as if anybody gives an iota of a shit about a team that’s actually from New Jersey and has no fanbase or history to its name. You declined to play for the team under the brightest lights, with the most pressure, and the most hardcore fans (who are also the smartest) because you’re all cowards. Idiotic cowards! Running from the most difficult task in sports with the most rewards: winning in NY. Just ask Derek Jeter, Eli Manning, Michael Strahan, Mark Messier, and now Jalen Brunson what that does for your life, career, legacy, and bank account.
If you wanted to win, and win here, you could have done that. But you decided to take big paychecks elsewhere to inflate your egos, and now nobody likes you. And none of you have won since the COVID bubble (questionable chip?). Pathetic, the lot of you. We won’t forget what you think of us and I know deep down none of you could have performed at MSG at a high level because you all would rather get a big contract with your buddies than play for New Yorkers and bring a title to the greatest city in the world. Also Harden is the biggest choker in NBA history and just got arrested. LOL
A small “fuck you” to Becky Hammon
You were almost correct in saying small guards can’t win NBA championships. It’s been a while since Isiah Thomas and Steph Curry won rings, but it can be done. Hell, I didn’t think it could be done because there’s a lot of proof that smaller guards can’t be the best player on your team. Defensively, players like Jalen Brunson are on the bottom of all metrics. But when you said Brunson couldn’t be a 1A guy to lead a team to the top, THAT’S where you got it wrong. Because the team was stacked, he scored when it mattered most, was more clutch than anybody else, and was the leader this town needed. You were wrong Becky, now apologize for the bad take.
A tiny “fuck you” to Donovan Mitchell and Giannis Antetokounmpo
I know you both wanted to be here. And you should have told your agents to get you here harder! But now we don’t need you anymore. Sorry. Hope you guys have great careers elsewhere!
An ironic “fuck you” to Tyrese Haliburton
You have no rings. Get fucked. We still should have drafted you when we had the chance, but it’s too late now.
A massive “FUCK YOU” to Reggie Miller, Richard Jefferson, and the Indiana Pacers
I hate the job Miller and Jefferson do on the mic as commentators. Horrible to listen to, and I will just automatically mute you when I’m listening to whatever dumbass shit you have to say. Find new jobs. And for the Pacers, the ones who kept doing the choking taunt to us, well, I have one question. When do you guys put up your championship banner? Oh wait that’s right, you don’t HAVE ONE. Fuck off forever, ABA team roleplaying as an NBA team. Indiana is a shithole and you will forever be losers nobody likes. Reggie Miller is overrated and I never want to hear from him or see him ever again as long as I live.
A “fuck you and I hope you die, motherufcker” to Donald Trump for trying to ruin the vibes and the country
A dumber version of Adolf Hitler, this obese pedophile and rapist tried to ruin the vibes and might have cost us Game 3. I ultimately blame the refs for that, but he interrupted the city and the fans, and cost taxpayers a ton just to sleep in a box with his cronies and then left before the game ended. One of the worst humans to ever be allowed to scam the globe consequence free. Eat shit and die, Trump family.
A decently sized “fuck you” to the Boston Celtics
I hate you, I hate your players, I hate your racist ass city, and I hate your fans. Go to hell, Boston. Eat it.
A healthy “fuck you” to the NBA lottery system, assistant commissioner Mark Tatum, Zion Williamson, and Ja Morant
Since we got Patrick Ewing, the Knicks have never moved up in the lottery. We have either stayed put or moved back. And for a while, it didn’t seem to matter. Until it did. The Knicks under Dolan’s ownership never tanked correctly, never won free agency, and never got the franchise guy in the draft. It took a savvy front office to assemble a team that could win, but I’m so glad Zion, Ja, and RJ Barrett all turned out to be losers who are busts and it didn’t matter anyways. That night was tough, but it was worth the pain.
Also, Mark Tatum, I know you loved smiling when revealing the Knicks didn’t get the number one pick. You’re always smiling like a serial killer admiring his trophies in a sex dungeon or a murder basement or a bunker filled with corpses you’ve just defiled. Wipe that smug smile off your face!
A cheerful “fuck you” to Andrea Bargnani, John Starks, and Tom Thibodeau
I cannot believe we gave up all those picks for Bargnani. He sucks! I can say that, I’m Italian. I hate his guts. As for John Starks, he cost us that 1994 series! He’s a loser. Choke artist. I never liked him, and I’ll never forgive him for being a “hero” now and how everybody just papers over him going 2-for-18 from the field in that game, 0-for-11 from deep, and having just two assists and rebounds. Five fouls, too! Just a complete no-show, and he should have been run out of town.
As for Thibs, he tried to grind his starters’ bones to dust with the amount of time he played them, cost them injuries and personal wear-n-tear, and was generally a bad coach who didn’t know how to sub in the bench. Or trust anybody! He sucked and I was glad he was fired. I’m still astonished we lost that Eastern Conference Finals, and he needed to go for blowing it and being very inflexible and unwilling to adapt to modern basketball tactics like “intentionally fouling” or “coaching.”
A be careful karma isn’t real “fuck you” to Victor Wembanyama, Trae Young, and Joel Embiid
You’re all dirty players who tried to injure various Knicks players. There’s a reason we chant “fuck Trae Young” and “fuck Embiid” at games that don’t have anything to do with your teams! Countless instances of elbows where they shouldn’t be, stepping on feet or legs, and other roughhousing that should only be seen in a UFC ring. And not the kind on the White House lawn, I might add.
A big ol’ “fuck you” to Eric Adams and the NYPD
ACAB. Eric Adams is a horrible human being, an awful Mayor, a criminal, and an idiot. Good riddance. He’s trash and should be in jail. And fuck whatever budget this city is spending on all of those cops to dick around and stare at their phones when they aren’t too busy harassing minorities or the homeless. How DARE YOU prevent all of those watch parties. A deeply evil presence that is unnecessary. Cops don’t prevent crime, they just show up after it and do more harm than good.
Don’t forget to go fuck yourself James Dolan, Scott Perry, Steve Mills, Phil Jackson, Glen Grunwald, Donnie Walsh, Isiah Thomas, and Scott Layden
All of the previous General Managers we’ve had did such a terrible job. All of them contributed to twenty years of losing and embarrassment. We became the laughing stock of the league (besides the Sacramento Kings) due to Dolan’s hirings. Trusting the wrong people. Trading away Kristaps Porzingis. Drafting Kevin Knox and Frank Ntilikina. Just the worst judges of talent! We had to give up half the team for Carmelo Anthony instead of signing him in free agency? We didn’t have a point guard for twenty years? You were all abysmal and I hated each and every single one of you, and I’m glad Leon Rose and his nepotism got the results we so desperately needed.
And as for you James Dolan, you might not be the worst owner in the sport anymore, but man are you still dogshit and need to sell the team. The amount of damning reports on who you are, what you’ve done, and who you align yourself with are beyond appalling, they’re downright evil. Petty. Pitiful. Gross. Anyone with a brainstem still attached has contempt for you because you’re a moron who got gifted generational wealth from your dad and pissed it away on a jazz band and donations to the GOP. He meddles in affairs he knows nothing about (basketball), bans his perceived enemies from Madison Square Garden using surveillance cameras, files frivolous lawsuits, and would rather make shitty music than do anything that helps another human being besides himself and his inflated ego.
The fucking Antonio McDyess trade, jesus fucking christ on a tapdancing cracker does that make my blood boil. I have a fury with the seismic energy of a thousand intense suns beaming down on me for that and the Bargnani deal.
And finally, to myself…
As a lifelong pessimist who has seen nothing but the worst from the Islanders, Jets, and Mets, I never thought this day would come. I myself have posted and tweeted dozens if not hundreds of times saying this team couldn’t win, wouldn’t win, and should give up. They did everything wrong. I hated the KAT trade. I hated the Mikal Bridges trade. And I didn’t think Jalen Brunson would hold up as a defender in a league which hunts the weakest players. Everyone on OKC can dribble, pass, shoot, score, defend, and has length/size.
But they proved me wrong, so take that past me, future me gets to wear championship gear despite all of the words I’ve spewed contrary to what would end up happening!
Image Credit: Maney Imagination
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