After ranking way too many sports mascots by how sexy they are, I think it’s time to make the next logical leap. If I’m out of costumed characters to rank, objectify, and make googly eyes at, then surely fictional alien races and species are next, right? And which has the greatest plethora of sexy options?
Star Wars.
There is no real criteria to this list, other than 1) this is purely for comedy’s sake 2) please do not go into the comments on this one, do not take this shit seriously and 3) I do not care about accuracy to the made up Star Wars canon and I certainly did not spend half a days worth of research looking up bad fan art just to be told I spelled something wrong. Who cares?
Here are the honorable mentions:
Nautolans, Lasat like Zeb, Pa’lowicks, Besalisks like Dexter Jettster, Wookiees, Ewoks, Clawdites, Rodians, the Bith, and whatever this thing is with teets that shoot out milk.
Okay, let’s get weird and horny!
10. Theelins
Are Theelins a little too scaley for my liking? Yes. Do they come in too many colors that confuses me and my penis? Also yes. Do the Google Images of both live action and animated Theelins really give this species a wide spectrum from bangable to not-bangable? Yeah. Do they still make the list though… Sure, maybe on a lonely night I roll the dice and see what’s going on.
9. Chagrians
I took a look at the purple female Chagrain and thought “yeah, I would have sex with her.” The males have these long horns that I don’t find appealing, but the women are close enough to humans that them being amphibians don’t phase me. Just means they’re extra wet, am I right folks?!
8. Kaminoans
You may know these tall glasses of water from maybe the worst Star Wars film ever made, “Episode II: Attack of the Clones.” What I came away with from this scene is that the lady Kaminoans must be extremely hot, and boy did I get more than I asked for when looking up fan art. An intriguing species of alien, I must say!
7. Pantorans / Chiss / Mirialans / Rattataki / Tholothians / Zeltrons
Now I know what you must be saying to yourself. “Jared, this is cheating! You snuck more than ten entries into this top ten list!” And to that I say: I don’t care. But also, blame the people behind Star Wars for copy pasting the same aliens and slapping different names on them. These are all basically humans with blue or red or green skin. They’re all the same! And I would bang them all, depending on how hot the particular alien person was.
6. Zabraks/Dathomirians
Aha, now I hear you saying “but wait these are just the same as the ones above!!” And to that I say: shut up, nobody cares. But also, these are different and notable enough to be one spot above on this list, because of their horns, distinct face tattoos, and attitude. Darth Maul is hot, let’s admit it everybody. And I want to know if female Dathomirian Zabraks have those cool tattoos all over their bodies.
I will not be watching any YouTube videos to find that information out, though. I’m just going to leave it up to my imagination and call it a day. Don’t actually care enough to find out.
5. Zygerrians
Sexy cat people? Like the Khajiit in Elder Scrolls? Or the Thundercats? Now we are talking, people! It’s too bad most of the ones online are from “The Clone Wars,” I never liked that art or animation style and it does not produce very attractive looking humans, let alone aliens to beat your meat to, ya know? Zygerrians would have been higher if they really leaned into more of the cat or human design, instead of this mix of narrow-faced alien I keep seeing.
4. Rotta the Hutt
They made the slugs sexy now??? Muscles, a tail to suck on, or insert into places, like whaaaaaaaaaa…
Can’t believe they made a Hutt hot. How dare they? He’s shredded!
3. Togrutas like Ahsoka Tano
Is Rosario Dawson doing most of the heavy lifting here? Absolutely. I would be lying my face off if I didn’t think as much. But there is some appeal to a hot human lady with a big ol’ head thing on that replaces her hair. Like, what are those things for? Sex things? Probably not — that would be too good to be true.
2. Devaronians
Oh you get every flavor of weird Halloween with these dudes. Demons, devils, werewolves, literal horny horned-up creatures. This is what knocking boots with monsters is all about, man! These deviants and deranged miscreants all seem ready to fuck, and then maybe kill you afterwards. Hot stuff.
1. Twi’lek
Was there any other choice?
You may remember these sexy singing and dancing aliens from Jabba’s palace. Like Oola in “Return of the Jedi.” I definitely think there needs to be a “Mass Effect” style game where you can date and pork a Twi’lek because that is what the people are asking for. They demand it! Not me, though. Do not get it twisted that I was sexually attractive to fictional aliens from Star Wars. Don’t put in the newspaper that I was horny for them.
Image Credit: “The Mandalorian and Grogu”
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