We here at Video Game Town have a long tradition of ranking the sexiest mascots in every sport. So far, we’ve done the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL. But what about an entire collegiate system? A series of major and minor conferences connected through a thin tissue, with hundreds of schools all playing each other in various sports? How in the world would one person such as myself even begin to rank all of the mascots, sexy or otherwise?
Well, I just made a March Madness bracket. And you can fill out your own and share the results with others or us!
Doing a lot of research, and finding one particularly helpful Reddit post, I personally narrowed down a top 167 on a spreadsheet (no joke, I really did this) to find my top 64. The group of four brackets / 16 team clusters are categorized by very arbitrary distinctions that I care not to explain: the humanoid mascots, the most animalistic animals, couples (two or more paired mascots either by being siblings or they’re clearly dating or married), and one by muscles. Just the most yolked, swole, jacked, and ripped mascots imaginable.
The process of elimination started with this list of college mascots, and an examination of the top college conferences in sports. Out of the many, MANY mascots I found some interesting results.
Mascots by Type
- Animals: 248
- Humans: 78
- Other: 17
- None: 8
Types of Animals
- Anteaters: 1
- Bears: 16
- Bearcats: 3
- Birds: 62 (7 Fowl, 1 Penguin, 41 Birds of Prey, 2 Roadrunners, 9 Songbirds, 2 Waterbirds)
- Canids: 43 (1 Coyote, 34 Dogs, 1 Fox, 7 Wolves)
- Cetaceans: 1
- Elephants: 3
- Felines: 55 (15 Bobcats, 16 Cougars & Panthers, 3 Jaguars, 1 Leopard, 6 Lions, 14 Tigers)
- Insects: 4
- Kangaroos: 3
- Mustelids: 2
- Mythological: 13 ( 3 Dragons, 1 Furry Woodland Creature, 2 Griffins, 1 Jayhawk, 1 Pegasus, 2 Phoenix, 1 Seawolf, 2 Thunderbirds)
- Rabbits: 1
- Reptiles: 5 (2 Crocodilians, 1 Lizard, 1 Snake, 1 Turtle)
- Rodents: 2
- Spiders: 1
- Ungulates: 32 (1 Antelope, 6 Bison, 1 Camel, 5 Cattle, 1 Deer, 12 Horses, 1 Pig, 5 Sheep)
Types of Humans
- Astronauts: 1
- Historical American Figures: 21 (6 from the 18th Century, 13 from the 19th Century, 2 from the 20th Century)
- Historical Warriors: 25 (1 French, 1 Germanic, 9 Greek, 8 European Knights, 3 Scottish, 3 Vikings)
- Matadors: 2
- Military Personnel: 5
- Native Americans: 3
- Nobility: 2
- Persons of Gaelic Descent: 2
- Persons of Local or School Import: 6
- Pirates: 6
- Religious: 3
- Workers: 3
And the Rest
- Plants: 5 (3 Fruit, 1 Grass, 1 Tree)
- Red Cartoon-like Character: 1
- Supernatural: 8 (1 Billiken, 6 Demons or Devils, 1 Leprechaun)
- Train: 1
- Weather Phenomena: 2
No Mascots
- 5 are schools with former Native American mascots who have not chosen a new one.
- 3 traditionally do not have mascots (Michigan, Indiana, and Dartmouth)
A big shout out to the internet for doing a bulk of this work for me. But now, for the important part: the final bracket. The field of 64 is set, and I have gifted you all a blank version of it to check out.
If you’re not a freak, then here is the entire field listed out:
1 seeds – The Duke Blue Devil (Humans), Arizona Wildcats Wilbur and Wilma (Couples), Sebastian the Ibis from Miami (Animals), and Sparty the Michigan State Spartan (Muscles)
2 seeds – ASU Sun Devil, Baylor Bears, Tennessee Volunteers, and UNC Tar Heels
3 seeds – Vanderbilt Commodores, Houston Cougars, Auburn Tigers, and Georgia Bulldogs
4 seeds – OSU Buckeyes, UCLA Bruins, Alabama Crimson Tide, and Nebraska Cornhuskers
5 seeds – Xavier Musketeers, Florida Gators, LSU Tigers, and Cincinnati Bearcats
6 seeds – Rutgers Scarlet Knights, Kentucky Wildcats, SMU Mustangs, and Ole Miss Rebels
7 seeds – UCSD Tritons, Oklahoma Sooners, Oregon Ducks, and Colorado State Rams
8 seeds – UPenn Quakers, NC State Wolfpack, Minnesota Golden Gophers, and Utah Utes
9 seeds – San Fran Dons, Toledo Rockets, Wisconsin Badgers, and Utah State Aggies
10 seeds – San Diego Toreros, New Mexico Lobos, Oregon State Beavers, and USF Bulls
11 seeds – Seton Hall Pirates, Bowling Green Falcons, James Madison Dukes, and Coastal Carolina Chanticleers
12 seeds – ECU Pirates, Arkansas State Red Wolves, Marshall Thundering Herd, and Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns
13 seeds – UTEP Miners, Hofstra Pride, Old Dominion Monarchs, Georgia State Panthers
14 seeds – Wyoming Cowboys, Brown University Bears, ULM Warhawks, and Navy Midshipmen
15 seeds – UMass Minutemen, Cornell Big Red, UAB Blazers, and Buffalo Bulls
16 seeds – Portland Pilots, Nevada Wolf Pack, Army Black Knights, and Charlotte 49ers
Beneath are two images (one of them has a smudge where I dropped some water on the paper) of completed brackets. One was done by me, and the other was done with me and my fiancée. That process of elimination is shared completely in the video below, with photos included of everybody we argued about.
Who did you find to be the winner? Who are the most common Final Four entrants? And how flawed was my seeding? The answers to these questions can never be answered, because I sure as hell am not looking at the comments no matter how sweet or innocent they are.
Image Credit: Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández
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