I have ranked, objectified, and written about hundreds of sports mascots on this website. A website that I helped to create that ostensibly is about video games most of the time. These sports mascots are just people inside of costumes designed by marketing ghouls, but have somehow captured the imagination of dozens of children dragged to ball games by their sycophantic parents over the past 100 years.
But finally, I have run out of collegiate and major professional sports leagues. I now have to dive into sports played by women, and not men, which leads me to a fascinating crossroads in my writing career. I could continue to just get horny over things that are objectively not horny, not designed to be sexy, and squeeze some more blood out of that stone for comedy’s sake. OR I could rank the WNBA mascots on how much I respect them.
I’m opting for the latter. The criteria? There is none.
Please enjoy responsibly. Don’t take any of this seriously, and if you’re going to venture into the comments, make them civil. Please. This is not the time to get super serious about such a silly and erotic exercise. Just because I took this task on with the weight of the world doesn’t mean anybody wants to read your furry slash fiction.
There are two new franchises just added to the league this season, and another new one coming next year. And the next. And the next. I even tried to guess what name the Philly team would have!
So this will obviously be a rolling list that gets updated as the teams get their shit together and add more mascots for me to rank and admire for their intelligence and not their looks. There’s a Facebook post of Ignis the Phoenix for the Portland Fire, but that is not confirmed. Just a rumor.
And if you want to be the next mascot for them, read this article I found about it! In typical Canadian fashion, the Toronto Tempo have nothing so far. Just dropping the ball yet again, like they did with the Toronto Raptor.
13. Freddy Fever (Indiana Fever) — I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know what the fuck Freddy Fever is. I don’t know what I’m looking at. Some sort of multi-colored abomination meant to scare women and eat children, like Saturn devouring his son. Also, why the fuck is a MAN the mascot for a WOMEN’S basketball team?
“Why such big sharp teeth, grandma?” “Meant for chewing through flesh and bone, my dear,” Freddy whispers into my ear as he nibbles my lobe, licking the side of my neck, drooling his smelly slobber all over my shoulder as we stand on the court waiting for the game to begin. The thousands of fans wearing Caitlin Clark jerseys yell and scream for me to get away, but his siren’s call lures me in closer as I see into the lining of his esophagus.
It is too late. He has swallowed me whole. And not in the good way, the cannibal way. This is what my nightmares entail. Keep me a hundred yards away from this freak.
12. Doppler (Seattle Storm) — Another weirdo, but way more wholesome. I still don’t know what Doppler…is… but I’m willing to have a fun conversation with him as I wait for a ride at the bus stop. Why are his arms like that? Is that an uncircumcised sleeve? Is his skin the yellow stuff or the dark red stuff? Is he smooth or fluffy, dry or wet? Being the Seattle Storm’s mascot and named after a weather doppler radar makes me question things.
Also who is that Oyster lady? Where are her arms?
11. Blaze (Connecticut Sun) — What the fuck is going on with all of these mascots that aren’t like, humans or animals? Hell, even a building can be a mascot because visually everybody knows what a building is, and can identify that from afar. Is Blaze like, the embodiment of a literal sun? Or a bear, or something?
Why is there more than one? You know what, never mind, I don’t want any of these answers. The poorly named Connecticut Sun are moving and turning into the old Houston Comets franchise, which won the first four championships in WNBA history. How did the league let their best team just *go* and vanish into thin air? POOF. Abject failure to let them pack their bags and bolt from the fourth largest city in America.
Anyways Blaze sucks but not as much as the two before. Now we can get into the actually good mascots in our top ten!
10. Star (Atlanta Dream) — Finally, a mascot that makes sense! A respectable, logical, and good mascot. One that people can believe in, identify, not be embarrassed by, and can instill hope and joy in all ages and genders.
Sure, is Star a little shaggy? Rough around the edges? Yeah, so what, who isn’t among us? Has Star been retired from the WNBA since 2020, presumably in a COVID related accident? Also yes, but I’m still going to count Star because I cannot in good faith put Blaze into the top ten. I wish you a speedy recovery Star, get back soon in good health!
9. Sparky the Dog (LA Sparks) — Sparky the Dog looks like the dog van Jeff Daniels drives in “Dumb and Dumber.” The saving grace is Sparky’s rizz, as the kdis say. The purple mohawk, the cool kicks (as the kids say), and the attitude that you’d want in a mascot. I like Sparky, but I’m not in love yet. It’s good that Sparky has muscles that aren’t showy or flashy, like they’re not shoving their gains in the gym in your face.
Also I stumbled into this clip, which I have to show everybody I meet on the street later today because it’s so funny. Poor Sparky.
8. Skye the Lioness (Chicago Sky) — What does a Lion have to do with the city of Chicago or the sky? Or the Sky (proper noun)? Nothing, as far as I can tell. Maybe there’s a famous statue of a lion outside a museum somewhere in the city, like the New York public library (or “Ghostbusters” if you remember that one specific shot).
Skye is a new mascot, a marked improvement over Sky Guy, who stunk out loud. She has the make-up going, the headband, a distinctive look, and I can’t knock her for the style. I just don’t see the connection between the animal and the city or the team, unless there are a ton of lions at the Lincoln Park Zoo I’m not aware of. Keep killing it, Skye, you’re a great new addition to the league.
But don’t literally kill, which is in your nature as a lion, I understand. No mauling opposing fans in the stands, now, girl!
7. Prowl (Minnesota Lynx) — Prowl is the platonic ideal for a mascot. Fun, but not overbearing or obnoxious. Exactly what you’d think a lynx would look like, no more and no less. This video below is great because Prowl clearly loves rookie sensation Olivia Miles (who also wears glasses when she plays) and understands the assignment. Prowl, you rock. I would like to sit down someday and talk about the great women who built this fine nation, in a sophisticated lunch setting where nobody bothers us and we can lift up people and their accomplishments without diminishing them in any way.
6. Pax the Panda (Washington Mystics) — I love a good panda, and Pax is just that. A loveable panda mascot who celebrates gay pride and the (lousy) Washington Mystics. Tough gig to support any DC team at the moment, but I believe in you Pax.
As far as my research tells me, there are only two zoos that house giant pandas. One is the San Diego Zoo, and the other is the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Hence the reason they selected a panda to be the mascot. Two thumbs up from me, Pax rules.
5. Scorch (Phoenix Mercury) — The sun? Hot. Mercury thermometers? Can get pretty hot. Phoenix the city? Gets very hot. Mercury the planet? A scorcher. Scorch the mascot? Hot, but do not objectify Scorch. I gave that game up, no more finding mascots sexy for me!
So fun fact: Scorch is not a dragon. Scorch is an extraterrestrial visitor from the planet Mercury who was sent down in 2002. Scorch has basketball looking antennas, which is either a huge coincidence or that was artificially applied afterwards once Scorch became a fan of the WNBA. I don’t know what gender Scorch is, but its alien race might not have those. Maybe they multiply like single celled organisms through mitosis.
Scorch loves hot dogs, hot chocolate, and the song “Intergalactic” by the Beastie Boys. Just like me, for real, fam.
4. Bucket$ (Las Vegas Aces) — Now we’re in the top five, aka the best of the best. The banger mascots who slap (figuratively). And Buckets (spelled with a dollar sign) is a jack rabbit who I have to imagine tips very well at strip clubs to make sure those ladies pay their rent. Buckets is an ally, a supporter to all, and surely isn’t hiding a massive gambling problem.
Buckets knows how to dance, how to entertain, how to be an attraction without relying on attractiveness, and has the best team in the league to root for. They might win four out of the last five, if nobody can stop A’ja Wilson and the Aces.
3. Lightning (Dallas Wings) — One might say lightning was captured in a bottle with this Pegasus. The Dallas Wings landed some of the best young talent in Azzi Fudd and Paige Bueckers, and we’ll be seeing a lot of Lightening on the sidelines for years to come.
I also like her bangs. But would never approach her in public to tell her this, because handing out compliments to strangers makes my skin crawl. I would never be caught dead bothering another person or their day, no matter the circumstance, so this is my ode to you Lightning. Your wings are dope and women are not to be valued only by their looks or cool ass wings.
2. Violet the Raven (Golden State Valkyries) — In Norse mythology, the Valkyries were fierce warriors who guided the souls of the dead to Valhalla. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Valkyrie is played by the outstandingly excellent Tessa Thompson. And constantly, Odin and the Valkyries were surrounded and accompanied (or turn into) ravens.
So that gets you your explanation of why Golden State picked a purple bird as their mascot.
What they didn’t account for was how lovely she would turn out to be. The glasses, the various outfits, and the charisma; the latest mascot to join the family made a big impression and that’s why she’s ranked number two.
But we all know who number one with a bullet is…
1. Ellie the Elephant (New York Liberty) — My beautiful angel.
My sweet queen.
There was Marie Curie. There was Rosa Parks. Emmeline Pankhurst, Ada Lovelace, Rosalind Franklin, Mary Wollstonecraft, Florence Nightingale, Marie Stopes, Jane Austen, Meryl Streep, Amelia Earhart, Mary Shelley, Vera Atkins, Cleopatra, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sandra Day O’Connor, Michelle Obama, Ketanji Brown Jackson, Madeleine Albright, Elena Kagan, Sally Ride, Sonia Sotomayor, and now Ellie the Elephant.
The way she serves. The way she dresses. Her IDGAF attitude. The purses, the hair, the elegance. She has everything, and desires no one. Ungraspable, a beacon of hope and prosperity, and an icon. An idol amongst her peers. Comparable to no one else.
P.T. Barnum marched a herd of elephants over the Brooklyn Bridge, and that cemented a legacy for Ellie to dominate the WNBA, and mascot kind, forever since. Not only is she by far the best mascot in the league, but she is in the top echelon of all mascots. The Mount Rushmore, alongside Mr. Met, Benny the Bull, and Gritty.
I give my heart to you, Ellie, as you know how to work your charm and create magic. Whether it be with choreographed dance routines, fan interactions, stealing the spotlight away from the players, or just knowing how to play the internet like a fiddle, you clearly are a cut above the rest and I will forever prop you up on a pedestal above us mere mortals. We are in service to you, Ellie, and not the other way around. No one is to mess with you, or face the wrath of all New Yorkers!
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Image Credit:
Video Game Town 
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